The last time I told you about my 25 latest, favoritest ear-worms was way back in August of last year. You can do the math, but I won't make you. That is 9 months ago (and really almost 10, since tomorrow is June already!). It has taken me that long to find 25 new songs worthy enough to be placed on a playlist of music that will be played on repeat, ad nauseam, for almost a year. But I think I got some good ones.
Again, I must stress that the criteria to be placed on the list at #25, thus bumping off song #1, is not quality. At least not any sort of measurable quality. No, all I ask is that the song is catchy enough to get me back and forth to any number of places in my car without me ever really growing tired of hearing it. Total ear candy. Last August I was getting into "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall" by Coldplay. Yesterday, it finally got taken out. By what? Read on and find out.
1) Moves Like Jagger, by Maroon 5 (featuring Christina Aguilera)
Adam Levine Sings Songs About Old Things That No One Uses Much Anymore Part 1
This is a good song. This is a catchy song. Yes, Ruby thought it was called "Moves Like Jacket," but she was 4 at the time, so that's forgivable. Also, this is a super fun song to whistle. Try it. You will like it. Even though this song has been on the list the longest, I am not tired of it yet.
2) Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.), by Katy Perry
This song finally made me realize that I can no longer let Ruby listen to whatever song I feel like, because she actually learns all the words to them now, and has some questions. For instance, during one listen Ruby laughed at the first line and said "There's a stranger in her bed!? She should have locked her doors!" Now I skip this one a lot so I don't have to explain to my 5-year-old what a ménage à trois is.
3) Party Rock Anthem, by LMFAO
This is the perfect dance number for kids. It is super catchy and dancey, and there aren't really any bad words. We have plenty of dance parties with this song on repeat, and even when they yell "get naked now," the worst that is going to happen is that someone's diaper is going to come off, and it's better than explaining to the kids why Katy Perry took too many shots (which is clearly a basketball reference).
4) Shake It Out, by Florence + The Machine
I really do like this song, and most of the album actually, but every time it finishes I kind of just want to go put on "Dog Days Are Over." Does that make me a bad person?
5) Stereo Hearts, by Gym Class Heroes (featuring Adam Levine)
Adam Levine Sings Songs About Old Things That No One Uses Much Anymore Part 2
Having finished singing about aging rock stars, Adam Levine moves on to singing about stereos and records and such. I know that vinyl is having something of a hipster resurgence and it is super cool to like it and all, but when Tricky Travie is singing about turning up his boom box of a heart in front of the cops, while also singing that the last girl who played him left a couple of cracks, it is very hard to tell what sort of stereo he is singing about. I am envisioning a giant 80's ghetto blaster with a record player on the top and cassettes that transform into Frenzy, Rumble, and Laserbeak, but I could be wrong.
6) Without You, by David Guetta (featuring Usher)
I refer to this as "The Pirate Song," because during the climactic chorus section, when he is singing "You-oo-oo!" it sounds to me like he is singing "Yo Ho Ho!" Go ahead. Try and listen to it that way and sing along as lustily as you can, like a good pirate. Now try to UN-hear it. You're welcome.
7) Man or Muppet, by Jason Segal and Walter the Muppet
This song won an academy award, so don't give me any crap about putting on my playlist. It's a good song.
8) Me Party, by Amy Adams and Miss Piggy
Okay, so this song did not win any Oscars, but it was Ruby's favorite song from the movie, and since we were going to listen to it 3,000 times anyway, it might as well be on the list. Pair this with some LMFAO and you have a nigh-perfect kids' dance party.
9) Life's a Happy Song, by Amy Adams, Jason Segal, and Walter Muppet
Last Muppet track, I promise. But this song just makes me happy whenever I listen to it. If I am having a bad day, I just put it on and suddenly I feel better. And if I am having a good day, it makes it a great day! A song that makes life happy.
10) Love You Like a Love Song, by Selena Gomez
I like the part that goes "beep beep beep beep beep beep."
11) Honey Bee, by Blake Shelton
I swear to you that I do not like country music, but when I was working at the pizza place, at some point my evil overlords decided that we should switch from awesome music, like oldies, classic rock, and 90's swing revival, to lame and horrible music, like the country station. And after suffering through all the "Red Solo Cup"s and other such nonsense, I did find solace in a sweet song about bees, which I enjoyed despite the rhyming of Mississippi with Conway Twitty.
12) Stuck Like Glue, by Sugarland
Yes, this is also a country song, but I first heard Pentatonix do it on "The Sing Off" and they did it so well that I wanted to hear the original, and so I looked up the video on youtube. Holy hamsters, that is one of the funniest videos I have ever seen. And by that time I was hooked on the song as well.
13) Super Bass, by Nicki Minaj
I like the part that goes "boom ba doom doom, boom ba doom doom."
14) Domino, by Jessie J
I love this song way more than I should, probably. This was the first song that I had heard in a while that just made me want to roll down my windows, blast the radio, and sing at the top of my lungs, and then put it on repeat and do it again.
15) Single Ladies, by Sarah Bareilles
Good covers are kind of hard to come by. Either somebody basically just redoes the song again, but with a techno beat behind it, or they change it so much that you can't tell it's the same song. What I love about Sarah's version of Beyonce's hit is that it sounds like a Sarah Bareilles song. I mean, it's clearly the same song, but you would have thought that Sarah had written it. It's a great arrangement, although I don't know if it quite has the same replayability as the original. Sometimes you just need that techno beat behind it!
16) Stand, by Lenny Kravitz
Does it sound like he is saying "You will see Hawaiian friends" to anyone else? Is it just me? Anyway, this is a good steering-wheel-tapper, and not a cover of the R.E.M. song, just so you're not confused.
17) Glad You Came, by The Wanted
What is it about this song that I like so much? Well I'll tell you. Listening to it. What sets it apart from the rest of the songs out there today? Well I'll tell you. I like listening to this one more than the others. Also, if you rearrange the letters in the song title, you can spell Gaudy O'Camel, which I think would be an excellent title for a children's book.
18) You Make Me Feel..., by Cobra Starship (featuring Sabi)
Ruby calls this the "la la la" song and requests it frequently. Edward also likes to sing along to the "la la la" part from the backseat. And he is surprisingly in-tune for a two-year-old.
19) Drive By, by Train
When I first heard this song I was so excited to hear Sublime back on the radio with another hit. Then the chorus started and I realized that this could not be Sublime, but I was equally happy to discover that Fall Out Boy had returned with another great song. After it was finished and the DJ told me that it was actually Train, I got very confused and sad, but I still like the song.
20) Fine By Me, by Andy Grammer
I like the part that goes "Oo-ee-oo-ee-oo-ee-oo."
21) Somebody That I Used To Know, by Gotye
The first time I ever heard this song was via the crazy/awesome "Walk Off the Earth" video in which the entire band plays the song on one single guitar at the same time. Then I heard Pentatonix do it, and suddenly it was all over the radio, and I realized that it needed to go on the list, even though all the cool people who used to like it don't like it anymore, because it is popular now.
22) Call Me Maybe, by Carly Rae Jepsen
So I have a weakness for teenybopper music. What are you going to do about it? Anybody that says they need more than four chords to have a good time is lying. And James Franco loves this song, so you know it is good.
23) Dementia, by Owl City (featuring Mark Hoppus)
If you have read my previous lists you know that I have a soft spot for Owl City, who fill me with such a sense of melancholic hope that I can barely exist, so it should come as no surprise that the latest track would be on my new list. What is a surprise is how different this track is from other Owl City tracks. Is it the influence of Mark Hoppus, from Blink 182? Maybe. He sounds a lot like Adam Young, so the vocals do not seem out of place, but there is a definite rock feel that I never got from his earlier electronic-pop records. Anyway, it is good. Check it out.
24) Payphone, by Maroon 5 (featuring Wiz Khalifa)
Adam Levine Sings Songs About Old Things That No One Uses Much Anymore Part 3
Man, what is it with this Levine fellow?! He has moved on from stereos to payphones, of all things. Can't he find something new to sing about? I like this song, but he could have just as easily sung that he was on his cell phone. His friend Whiz Urethra uses a cell phone, since he is rapping about it in the middle of the payphone song. And speaking of Whiz's random rap, why are so many songs these days "featuring" somebody? Remember when singers used to just sing their songs? They didn't need all their friends to come over and help them. They would only get together to sing "We Are The World" and stuff, and dammit it meant something when they did! Now it's not exciting to see that a track features somebody else, because ALL the tracks feature somebody else! Back in my day we listened to the Stones on vinyl and used payphones, and we liked it!
25) Brighter Than The Sun, by Colbie Callait
I finally figured out what song this was! For some reason, I kept listening to other songs, like "Good Life" by One Republic, expecting to hear "Ohhhhhh, this is how it starts!" Except I never did. And I was going crazy, thinking, "Did I imagine the song that goes like that?! Is it only in my head?!" But no, I did not make it up. I heard it again and was so excited to find out what it was, that I put it on my list, bumping off Coldplay and completing another 25 song cycle.
Thanks for letting me talk about pop music for a minute. I promise to get back to opera and dad stuff tomorrow, but it's nice to take a moment, every 9 or 10 months, to let you know about my terrible taste in music. See you next time!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
A Debilitating Love of Semantics
Hello. My name is Tenor Dad, and I am addicted to semantics. The problem is so bad that I didn't even realize that it was a problem until my wife pointed it out to me. I went through life thinking that people wanted to know correct word usage and wished to be clear when speaking. This is apparently not the case.
In all fairness, I do it to myself all the time, although I am told that even then it is super annoying. I will often, mid-sentence, correct myself and substitute what I feel is a clearer word or phrase, because I want to make sure I am understood. And I know I do this to other people as well (mostly my wife), but I don't mean any harm by it. I don't want to imply that I am smarter or better than anyone else, I only want to know exactly what people mean.
Random person: "See you tomorrow night!"
Me: "Wait, what time are we meeting?"
Person: "4:00."
Me: "Oh, okay, because you said 'night' so I wasn't sure if the time had been changed to later."
Person: "You know what I meant."
Me: "No, I legitimately thought for a second that I had the time wrong, because 4:00 is not night."
Person: "Actually, let's not meet, because I hate you."
This has happened to me many times. But honestly, I often think that perhaps I have some sort of info wrong because of something someone says. And it is very hard for me to resist correcting people when they commit egregious crimes of semantics, even though I know it is rude and makes people hate me or feel that I am condescending.
But the worst part of all is that I have passed this on to Ruby. Never have I understood more clearly how annoying I can be, than when I am receiving it all back to me from my children.
Me: "Ruby, can you put your bowl in the dishwasher please?"
Ruby: "No! This is a plate!"
Me: "Well, it has a pretty high lip. I would call it more of a bowl."
Ruby: "No Dad! It's a plate!"
Me: "Well, just put it in the dishwasher! And your glass too."
Ruby: "This is a cup!"
Me: "What have I done?!"
I can't tell you how many conversations we have had to this effect. But the person I feel most badly for is my wife, for not only do I drive her crazy on a daily basis, I have now created little clones to go around bothering her when I am not available. Edward can't really talk yet, but when he can...
And so I am trying to let things go. I will not correct people online when they make some comment in which they are clearly not using the correct terminology. I will try and guess at people's intended meaning during conversations, and only ask for clarification if I am super-super-unclear. And I will try my hardest to get my kids to be less obnoxious. But I can't really blame them. They learned it from watching me.
In all fairness, I do it to myself all the time, although I am told that even then it is super annoying. I will often, mid-sentence, correct myself and substitute what I feel is a clearer word or phrase, because I want to make sure I am understood. And I know I do this to other people as well (mostly my wife), but I don't mean any harm by it. I don't want to imply that I am smarter or better than anyone else, I only want to know exactly what people mean.
Random person: "See you tomorrow night!"
Me: "Wait, what time are we meeting?"
Person: "4:00."
Me: "Oh, okay, because you said 'night' so I wasn't sure if the time had been changed to later."
Person: "You know what I meant."
Me: "No, I legitimately thought for a second that I had the time wrong, because 4:00 is not night."
Person: "Actually, let's not meet, because I hate you."
This has happened to me many times. But honestly, I often think that perhaps I have some sort of info wrong because of something someone says. And it is very hard for me to resist correcting people when they commit egregious crimes of semantics, even though I know it is rude and makes people hate me or feel that I am condescending.
But the worst part of all is that I have passed this on to Ruby. Never have I understood more clearly how annoying I can be, than when I am receiving it all back to me from my children.
Me: "Ruby, can you put your bowl in the dishwasher please?"
Ruby: "No! This is a plate!"
Me: "Well, it has a pretty high lip. I would call it more of a bowl."
Ruby: "No Dad! It's a plate!"
Me: "Well, just put it in the dishwasher! And your glass too."
Ruby: "This is a cup!"
Me: "What have I done?!"
I can't tell you how many conversations we have had to this effect. But the person I feel most badly for is my wife, for not only do I drive her crazy on a daily basis, I have now created little clones to go around bothering her when I am not available. Edward can't really talk yet, but when he can...
And so I am trying to let things go. I will not correct people online when they make some comment in which they are clearly not using the correct terminology. I will try and guess at people's intended meaning during conversations, and only ask for clarification if I am super-super-unclear. And I will try my hardest to get my kids to be less obnoxious. But I can't really blame them. They learned it from watching me.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Who You May and May Not Marry
Last week I had to tell my daughter that she was not legally allowed to marry the person of her choice, the person that she loved more than anyone else, because society would not permit it. You see, my 5-year-old daughter Ruby wanted to marry her 2-year-old brother Edward. Not now, obviously. She was quite content to wait until they were grown-ups, but it was my duty as Dad to break the news to her that she could never marry her brother.
This actually got me thinking quite a bit about the issue of gay marriage, which I have to tell you before I launch into this that I have no problem with. But here's the thing: many types of people are not legally allowed to get married, and I'll bet that even the staunchest gay marriage supporter thinks that this is okay.
One of the main arguments I hear from the anti-gay marriage groups is that gay marriage will destroy "traditional" marriage, and that if we allow same-sex couples to marry, that eventually people will be marrying their toasters and chihuahuas and whatnot. This argument is insane, and not at all rational. "Traditional" marriage previously included trading daughters for land and/or livestock, having multiple wives and/or concubines, and now includes such fun provisions as annulment and/or divorce. Traditional marriage is a mess, and not only that, but it has changed repeatedly over the years. Some cultures have arranged marriage. Some countries allow marriage between people as young as 15, while others require you to be 21. There are a lot of rules regarding marriage, and they are definitely not the same in all places. And they change.
Then there is the matter of marrying your toaster. The pro-gay marriage camp will tell you that this is absurd, because a toaster cannot give consent. Marriage should be between two consenting adults, no matter their gender, and your dog cannot give consent, nor can any of your major appliances (depending on the warranty). But if marriage is between two consenting adults, why can't Ruby marry Edward someday? What if a brother and a sister really are in love with each other? And why can't cousins get married in most places? For that matter, why can't you marry your mother if you see fit? Oedipus did it, and the Targaryens have been inbreeding for generations! Clearly, the issue is not just about two consenting adults.
Let's be honest. The real reason we don't want gay people to get married is because we think it is yucky and unnatural. We also think marrying our siblings is yucky and unnatural. Birth defects and genetic variation aside, there is just something wrong with marrying members of your immediate family. Wrong because as a society, we say that it is wrong. But society changes too.
Interracial marriage was once banned, but enough people were upset about it that they got together, formed a movement, and demanded their rights. It was slightly more complicated than that, but it worked. Now, we have a similar movement happening in the gay community. Why is this at the forefront of our news cycle and our election debates? Because enough people are upset about it and are making a fuss. And nothing ever changed in this world without somebody making a fuss, and that's the truth. So now we have to talk about it, and we have to think about it, and a lot of folks out there still think it is yucky and don't want to think about it, and want to vote it out of their heads. Except it's not going to go away. The definition of marriage is changing yet again.
And the thing is, those things you are all upset about? They are happening anyway. Members of the same sex are still living together. They are still having sex. They are adopting children. They are having fights. They are breaking up. They are staying together for 50+ years. They are having relationships. Whether we "allow" them to get married or not, it doesn't stop them from doing what you want to stop them from doing. All we are doing is punishing them for it, which is just mean. Preventing gay people from visiting each other in the hospital doesn't prevent them from loving each other.
But my point, really, is this: let's not pretend that we all think that marriage should be between any two consenting adults, because we don't really think that. And if you do think that, well, you are certainly on the fringes of society, which is cool with me, but be careful what you say to certain people. I don't know how many close relatives out there actually want to get married. I'm sure some of them do, somewhere, but there don't seem to be enough of them out in the public eye to form any sort of movement. Maybe someday there will be. Maybe someday the George-Michael Bluths and the Jaime Lannisters of the world will get together and demand that their love be legally recognized, but until that time, incest is still a pretty dirty word, even between consenting adults/
I have a lot of gay friends who love each other and I don't see a problem with their marriages. I don't know any siblings who want to get married, but what would I say if I did? It's a complicated issue. As far as I know, the reason we do not allow close relatives to marry is because their children would have a high chance for having a variety of genetic problems, but is marriage only about children these days? Certainly not for the gay community. There are plenty of ways for two people to have a child without both of them providing genetic material, right?
And again, just so we're clear, I have no problem with gay marriage, and I am not a huge incest supporter. But how can I tell Ruby that marriage is between any two consenting adults in the same conversation that I tell her she can't marry her brother? I just want people to be able to make clear arguments and have thoughtful discussions without resorting to tired party lines and rhetoric that doesn't make any sense. And that goes for both sides. Say what you believe. Take a stand. But know what you are saying, and know exactly where you are standing.
This actually got me thinking quite a bit about the issue of gay marriage, which I have to tell you before I launch into this that I have no problem with. But here's the thing: many types of people are not legally allowed to get married, and I'll bet that even the staunchest gay marriage supporter thinks that this is okay.
One of the main arguments I hear from the anti-gay marriage groups is that gay marriage will destroy "traditional" marriage, and that if we allow same-sex couples to marry, that eventually people will be marrying their toasters and chihuahuas and whatnot. This argument is insane, and not at all rational. "Traditional" marriage previously included trading daughters for land and/or livestock, having multiple wives and/or concubines, and now includes such fun provisions as annulment and/or divorce. Traditional marriage is a mess, and not only that, but it has changed repeatedly over the years. Some cultures have arranged marriage. Some countries allow marriage between people as young as 15, while others require you to be 21. There are a lot of rules regarding marriage, and they are definitely not the same in all places. And they change.
Then there is the matter of marrying your toaster. The pro-gay marriage camp will tell you that this is absurd, because a toaster cannot give consent. Marriage should be between two consenting adults, no matter their gender, and your dog cannot give consent, nor can any of your major appliances (depending on the warranty). But if marriage is between two consenting adults, why can't Ruby marry Edward someday? What if a brother and a sister really are in love with each other? And why can't cousins get married in most places? For that matter, why can't you marry your mother if you see fit? Oedipus did it, and the Targaryens have been inbreeding for generations! Clearly, the issue is not just about two consenting adults.
Let's be honest. The real reason we don't want gay people to get married is because we think it is yucky and unnatural. We also think marrying our siblings is yucky and unnatural. Birth defects and genetic variation aside, there is just something wrong with marrying members of your immediate family. Wrong because as a society, we say that it is wrong. But society changes too.
Interracial marriage was once banned, but enough people were upset about it that they got together, formed a movement, and demanded their rights. It was slightly more complicated than that, but it worked. Now, we have a similar movement happening in the gay community. Why is this at the forefront of our news cycle and our election debates? Because enough people are upset about it and are making a fuss. And nothing ever changed in this world without somebody making a fuss, and that's the truth. So now we have to talk about it, and we have to think about it, and a lot of folks out there still think it is yucky and don't want to think about it, and want to vote it out of their heads. Except it's not going to go away. The definition of marriage is changing yet again.
And the thing is, those things you are all upset about? They are happening anyway. Members of the same sex are still living together. They are still having sex. They are adopting children. They are having fights. They are breaking up. They are staying together for 50+ years. They are having relationships. Whether we "allow" them to get married or not, it doesn't stop them from doing what you want to stop them from doing. All we are doing is punishing them for it, which is just mean. Preventing gay people from visiting each other in the hospital doesn't prevent them from loving each other.
But my point, really, is this: let's not pretend that we all think that marriage should be between any two consenting adults, because we don't really think that. And if you do think that, well, you are certainly on the fringes of society, which is cool with me, but be careful what you say to certain people. I don't know how many close relatives out there actually want to get married. I'm sure some of them do, somewhere, but there don't seem to be enough of them out in the public eye to form any sort of movement. Maybe someday there will be. Maybe someday the George-Michael Bluths and the Jaime Lannisters of the world will get together and demand that their love be legally recognized, but until that time, incest is still a pretty dirty word, even between consenting adults/
I have a lot of gay friends who love each other and I don't see a problem with their marriages. I don't know any siblings who want to get married, but what would I say if I did? It's a complicated issue. As far as I know, the reason we do not allow close relatives to marry is because their children would have a high chance for having a variety of genetic problems, but is marriage only about children these days? Certainly not for the gay community. There are plenty of ways for two people to have a child without both of them providing genetic material, right?
And again, just so we're clear, I have no problem with gay marriage, and I am not a huge incest supporter. But how can I tell Ruby that marriage is between any two consenting adults in the same conversation that I tell her she can't marry her brother? I just want people to be able to make clear arguments and have thoughtful discussions without resorting to tired party lines and rhetoric that doesn't make any sense. And that goes for both sides. Say what you believe. Take a stand. But know what you are saying, and know exactly where you are standing.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Words Edward Learned This Week
On Monday, Edward's speech pathologist came over and explained to me the ways in which I should be communicating with Edward in order to help him get on pace with his speech development. Due to Edward's crazy number of ear infections, we believe that he had trouble hearing for his first year+ of life and so now has a language delay. Luckily he is learning new words every day!
One of the main strategies is just to repeat words three times whenever you say them. I was able to get him to say HELP when I asked him over and over if he wanted help putting his shoes on. He did, in fact, want help putting his shoes on, and so he said help to me, and I was very excited.
Then Ruby got in on the fun, and as we were driving home the other day she decided to play a rhyming game with him. She started rhyming things with sock, and she repeated each one three times, not because the speech therapist had said so, but because that's what kids do. Edward listened to many of the rhyming words, like clock, block, and wock, but the one he decided to learn was COCK. "Cock! Cock! Cock!" he shouted out the window as loudly as possible as we drove by our neighbors with the windows rolled down.
Another thing the guy told me was that kids learn words if you use a sing-songy voice. This is why nursery rhymes and other little songs have lasted through the ages. They are super easy to remember. Music can make anything easier to remember, which is why in college I used to make up songs to help me on astronomy and economics exams. Edward already sings along to a lot of songs, for instance he always sings the word "baby" during Ruby's favorite song. This week he added a new word during the song "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye, which I though contained only kid-friendly words, but at the end of the line "Like when you said you felt so happy you could die," Edward decided to start shouting DIE, over and over again.
So when we see the speech fellow again on Monday, I will happily report that Edward can now say help, cock, and die, and maybe he can give me some tips on how to get children to not say so many words in the future.
One of the main strategies is just to repeat words three times whenever you say them. I was able to get him to say HELP when I asked him over and over if he wanted help putting his shoes on. He did, in fact, want help putting his shoes on, and so he said help to me, and I was very excited.
Then Ruby got in on the fun, and as we were driving home the other day she decided to play a rhyming game with him. She started rhyming things with sock, and she repeated each one three times, not because the speech therapist had said so, but because that's what kids do. Edward listened to many of the rhyming words, like clock, block, and wock, but the one he decided to learn was COCK. "Cock! Cock! Cock!" he shouted out the window as loudly as possible as we drove by our neighbors with the windows rolled down.
Another thing the guy told me was that kids learn words if you use a sing-songy voice. This is why nursery rhymes and other little songs have lasted through the ages. They are super easy to remember. Music can make anything easier to remember, which is why in college I used to make up songs to help me on astronomy and economics exams. Edward already sings along to a lot of songs, for instance he always sings the word "baby" during Ruby's favorite song. This week he added a new word during the song "Somebody That I Used to Know" by Gotye, which I though contained only kid-friendly words, but at the end of the line "Like when you said you felt so happy you could die," Edward decided to start shouting DIE, over and over again.
So when we see the speech fellow again on Monday, I will happily report that Edward can now say help, cock, and die, and maybe he can give me some tips on how to get children to not say so many words in the future.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Common Things I Have Never Seen
As I was walking to the park last night, I saw somebody carrying something long and flat that I thought looked like a surfboard. As I got closer, I saw that it was much too thick to be a surfboard, and was maybe a kayak of some sort. And then it occurred to me that I have never actually seen a surfboard and have no idea how thick or thin they might be. I have certainly seen them on television and in movies, and everybody knows what a surfboard looks like, right? I guess. I mean, I pretty much know what one looks like. Or maybe not.
That got me to thinking: how many things are out there that I unreasonably believe I know all about, even though I have never actually seen, heard, touched, smelled, or tasted one? Here is what I'm sure is an extremely partial list.
Common(ish) Things I Have Never Seen
A Surfboard
A Gun (that is not in a policeman's holster from a distance)
A Kilt
An Anvil
A Scorpion
A Submarine
A Desert
Gone With the Wind
A Broadsword
A Taser
A Go-Kart
Scuba Gear
A Harpoon
A Sheepdog
I would, at this time, like to point out how difficult it is to make a list of things that you have not seen. When making lists, my first instinct is to look around me for things that might go on it, but that will clearly not work here, and my second instinct is to search my memory for things that might fit, but that will not work either. And not only am I looking for things I have not seen, but I am looking for things that I think I've seen, but haven't. Maddening!
It is funny, though, how an object can feel so familiar just because one has heard songs about it, or seen videos of it, or read stories about it. Even though I have never seen a desert with my own eyes, I have seen countless films and programs that feature deserts and so I feel that I know pretty well what a desert is like. But do I? If someone were to question me deeply about kilts, I would say that they are plaid and Scottish. But are they more wraps, or skirts? How long are they, really? Having never examined one, I honestly couldn't say.
I'm sure there are things that could go on the list that would be far more surprising than what I was able to come up with using instinct alone. My real list is probably huge, and would have to include places I think I know well that I have never been to, Paris for instance, or San Francisco. And I would have to put foods on it that I have never eaten, like seabass and portabella mushrooms. All in all, a good percentage of my knowledge comes from books, movies, television, and music. Which means second-hand. So is it good that my horizons are expanded greatly beyond what I would have otherwise experienced? Or am I just a cocky son-of-a-gun who thinks he knows way more than he actually does?
Probably a little of both.
That got me to thinking: how many things are out there that I unreasonably believe I know all about, even though I have never actually seen, heard, touched, smelled, or tasted one? Here is what I'm sure is an extremely partial list.
Common(ish) Things I Have Never Seen
A Surfboard
A Gun (that is not in a policeman's holster from a distance)
A Kilt
An Anvil
A Scorpion
A Submarine
A Desert
Gone With the Wind
A Broadsword
A Taser
A Go-Kart
Scuba Gear
A Harpoon
A Sheepdog
I would, at this time, like to point out how difficult it is to make a list of things that you have not seen. When making lists, my first instinct is to look around me for things that might go on it, but that will clearly not work here, and my second instinct is to search my memory for things that might fit, but that will not work either. And not only am I looking for things I have not seen, but I am looking for things that I think I've seen, but haven't. Maddening!
It is funny, though, how an object can feel so familiar just because one has heard songs about it, or seen videos of it, or read stories about it. Even though I have never seen a desert with my own eyes, I have seen countless films and programs that feature deserts and so I feel that I know pretty well what a desert is like. But do I? If someone were to question me deeply about kilts, I would say that they are plaid and Scottish. But are they more wraps, or skirts? How long are they, really? Having never examined one, I honestly couldn't say.
I'm sure there are things that could go on the list that would be far more surprising than what I was able to come up with using instinct alone. My real list is probably huge, and would have to include places I think I know well that I have never been to, Paris for instance, or San Francisco. And I would have to put foods on it that I have never eaten, like seabass and portabella mushrooms. All in all, a good percentage of my knowledge comes from books, movies, television, and music. Which means second-hand. So is it good that my horizons are expanded greatly beyond what I would have otherwise experienced? Or am I just a cocky son-of-a-gun who thinks he knows way more than he actually does?
Probably a little of both.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
The Pump House
For those of you not in the know, The Pump House is an indoor water park located at the top of a mountain in the middle of a ski resort. And it is awesome. Vermont has a lot of things, ski resorts and mountains being most of them, but one thing Vermont does not generally have is water parks, so naturally we had to go check this place out.
Since I spent most of actual Mother's Day on a bus coming home from New York City, I decided to give Simone a second Mother's Day a week later, and so this past Sunday, after she got her breakfast in bed, we loaded into the car and headed for Jay Peak, a place so far north that AT&T texted me that I was being charged international rates for traveling to Canada. True story.
The drive took us 90 minutes from Burlington, which is sadly the least amount of time one can ever drive to get somewhere awesome from Burlington. I mean, Burlington is awesome too, but not in a water parky sort of way. After you leave the highway you spend about half an hour driving through sleepy little towns and charming New England hamlets (yeah, those are the same thing), until suddenly, and without warning, you are on your first ride.
The first ride was called "driving up the mountain" and it was terrifying. The ride starts off fine, but suddenly you get the feeling that your car is not going to make it to the top, so you find yourself in 2nd gear, struggling to maintain 25-30 mph up what feels like a 45 degree angle. And just when you think you can't go up anymore, the bottom drops out and you are braking as hard as you can while zipping around rocky, dirty, maniacal s-curves at 70 mph or more. You do survive though, and eventually you arrive at a gigantic complex nestled way up among the highest peaks, ready for aquatic adventure.
Families, the first thing you should know is that your kids are free until they turn 4, and there is plenty for your under-4s to do, so take advantage! Also very important, if you buy tickets online in advance, you save $5/ticket. Do this. For the four of us we spent $80 on tickets, which is about how much ONE ticket costs to a lot of other amusements parks, so it's really a great deal.
We started our day on the lazy river, which is actually not that lazy. Everyone loved it, and by the seventeenth time we rode it, Ruby had abandoned her tube and was practicing her swimming, while Edward loved splashing and riding in the tube with Mommy or Daddy. We then moved on to the kids' area, which was pretty awesome as well. The area has a structure with water squirters, a giant dumping bucket, and two water slides for kids, and if your kid is too little for that, there is also a tiny little water slide that stands alone for the toddlers. It's the size of something you might have in your backyard, and Edward went down it constantly.
Ruby definitely got the best deal of the day, because she was tall enough to ride all but one of the big water slides, so Simone and I would take turns sitting with Edward while the other one went on big slides with Ruby. You can do the math, but this means Ruby went down twice as many slides as anyone else, and she loved it. The green and blue slides are tube slides, but Ruby's favorite was the orange slide, which you go down solo, no tube, no parent. Obviously we were terrified for her, but she was fine and went down several times.
The biggest, scariest slide is the red slide, also called "La Chute." If you have ever seen Wipeout then you are familiar with "La Chute." You climb five or six stories of stairs and then step into a small capsule, and as you hear the computer counting you down, your terror rises until the floor just drops out from under you and you shoot downward at 60 ft/second, then back UP, do a loop and come back down, shaking and checking to make sure all of your parts are still there. I did it. Once. That was enough for me. Simone did it twice. It was certainly exhilarating.
There is also a pretty big hot tub that we all enjoyed, and a big swimming pool with basketball nets and a climbing wall, although Ruby tried the wall and it was clearly made for people eight feet tall. The only thing we didn't do was the surfing, which did look pretty cool, but probably not for 2 and 5 year olds.
The biggest criticism I have heard from people about The Pump House is that it is crowded. I would like to address that here and let you all know that it is not crowded. It is "Vermont crowded." It is the same as when people in Vermont say that there is bad traffic. What they mean is that they saw another car on the road. And when they say "bumper-to-bumper traffic," what they mean is that there are many cars on the road, and they may have had to slow down to slightly under the speed limit. But they have clearly never seen actual traffic. In the same way, anyone who has ever been to an amusement park or a water park will be expecting huge crowds and long lines. When I rode "La Chute" I was horrified to learn that there was no one else up there. I was winded from climbing all those stairs and was hoping for a few minutes to catch my breath. No dice. I got right into the human-sized canister and was immediately rocketed to my doom. The longest I ever waited for a slide was probably eight minutes, but most of the time there were only 1-3 people ahead of us in the line. Vermont crowded. Meaning more crowded than the slip-n-slide in your backyard.
We were there for 4-5 hours and came home exhausted but happy. The whole place is made of glass and they opened the roof for us because it was a hot day, but that place must look awesome in the winter, surrounded by snow and with a full view of the ski slopes. We are definitely going back at some point (I know this because Ruby asks me every day when we are going back), and you honestly are not going to find a better deal or more fun anywhere else in the state. Check it out.
Since I spent most of actual Mother's Day on a bus coming home from New York City, I decided to give Simone a second Mother's Day a week later, and so this past Sunday, after she got her breakfast in bed, we loaded into the car and headed for Jay Peak, a place so far north that AT&T texted me that I was being charged international rates for traveling to Canada. True story.
The drive took us 90 minutes from Burlington, which is sadly the least amount of time one can ever drive to get somewhere awesome from Burlington. I mean, Burlington is awesome too, but not in a water parky sort of way. After you leave the highway you spend about half an hour driving through sleepy little towns and charming New England hamlets (yeah, those are the same thing), until suddenly, and without warning, you are on your first ride.
The first ride was called "driving up the mountain" and it was terrifying. The ride starts off fine, but suddenly you get the feeling that your car is not going to make it to the top, so you find yourself in 2nd gear, struggling to maintain 25-30 mph up what feels like a 45 degree angle. And just when you think you can't go up anymore, the bottom drops out and you are braking as hard as you can while zipping around rocky, dirty, maniacal s-curves at 70 mph or more. You do survive though, and eventually you arrive at a gigantic complex nestled way up among the highest peaks, ready for aquatic adventure.
Families, the first thing you should know is that your kids are free until they turn 4, and there is plenty for your under-4s to do, so take advantage! Also very important, if you buy tickets online in advance, you save $5/ticket. Do this. For the four of us we spent $80 on tickets, which is about how much ONE ticket costs to a lot of other amusements parks, so it's really a great deal.
We started our day on the lazy river, which is actually not that lazy. Everyone loved it, and by the seventeenth time we rode it, Ruby had abandoned her tube and was practicing her swimming, while Edward loved splashing and riding in the tube with Mommy or Daddy. We then moved on to the kids' area, which was pretty awesome as well. The area has a structure with water squirters, a giant dumping bucket, and two water slides for kids, and if your kid is too little for that, there is also a tiny little water slide that stands alone for the toddlers. It's the size of something you might have in your backyard, and Edward went down it constantly.
Ruby definitely got the best deal of the day, because she was tall enough to ride all but one of the big water slides, so Simone and I would take turns sitting with Edward while the other one went on big slides with Ruby. You can do the math, but this means Ruby went down twice as many slides as anyone else, and she loved it. The green and blue slides are tube slides, but Ruby's favorite was the orange slide, which you go down solo, no tube, no parent. Obviously we were terrified for her, but she was fine and went down several times.
The biggest, scariest slide is the red slide, also called "La Chute." If you have ever seen Wipeout then you are familiar with "La Chute." You climb five or six stories of stairs and then step into a small capsule, and as you hear the computer counting you down, your terror rises until the floor just drops out from under you and you shoot downward at 60 ft/second, then back UP, do a loop and come back down, shaking and checking to make sure all of your parts are still there. I did it. Once. That was enough for me. Simone did it twice. It was certainly exhilarating.
There is also a pretty big hot tub that we all enjoyed, and a big swimming pool with basketball nets and a climbing wall, although Ruby tried the wall and it was clearly made for people eight feet tall. The only thing we didn't do was the surfing, which did look pretty cool, but probably not for 2 and 5 year olds.
The biggest criticism I have heard from people about The Pump House is that it is crowded. I would like to address that here and let you all know that it is not crowded. It is "Vermont crowded." It is the same as when people in Vermont say that there is bad traffic. What they mean is that they saw another car on the road. And when they say "bumper-to-bumper traffic," what they mean is that there are many cars on the road, and they may have had to slow down to slightly under the speed limit. But they have clearly never seen actual traffic. In the same way, anyone who has ever been to an amusement park or a water park will be expecting huge crowds and long lines. When I rode "La Chute" I was horrified to learn that there was no one else up there. I was winded from climbing all those stairs and was hoping for a few minutes to catch my breath. No dice. I got right into the human-sized canister and was immediately rocketed to my doom. The longest I ever waited for a slide was probably eight minutes, but most of the time there were only 1-3 people ahead of us in the line. Vermont crowded. Meaning more crowded than the slip-n-slide in your backyard.
We were there for 4-5 hours and came home exhausted but happy. The whole place is made of glass and they opened the roof for us because it was a hot day, but that place must look awesome in the winter, surrounded by snow and with a full view of the ski slopes. We are definitely going back at some point (I know this because Ruby asks me every day when we are going back), and you honestly are not going to find a better deal or more fun anywhere else in the state. Check it out.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Portable Dishwasher
Our new place does not have a dishwasher. I suppose that for many people, and historically most humans, this is not a problem, but I have never lived in a house without a dishwasher. I mean, I probably did growing up at some point, but ever since I can remember, I have done the dishes by placing them into a magic box that cleans them for me. In fact, I don't even think I remember how to do dishes the old way. Do I fill the sink with water? Both sinks? Or do I rinse dishes from the faucet? Do I need a drying rack? And my sink is already filled with dirty dishes. Where should I put them? How can I fill the sink with water? Wait, am I supposed to fill the sink with water? No, this is not going to work. I need a dishwasher.
Sadly, we do not have enough cabinet space to give up a bunch of it for a dishwasher. Happily, we do have a big space at the end of the counter that would nicely fit a portable dishwasher. I have only recently become aware of portable dishwashers, but back before every house and apartment came with an installed dishwasher I guess these were fairly popular. You plug them in and hook them to the faucet on your sink and presto! Instant dishwasher!
My first stop on the portable dishwasher world tour was Sears. They did have a couple of models available, but this was when I first discovered the horrifying fact that portable dishwashers are twice as expensive as the built in kind. Seriously?! I could get a regular dishwasher for $300 (or more if I wanted a crazy one that also made dinner, cleaned the house, and drove the kids to school), but the least expensive portable one was $600. This made me sad, because I could not somehow justify spending $600 that I do not have, just to avoid touching yucky dishes.
I had no choice but to turn to that bastion of all things cheap and/or sketchy: Craigslist. I found one for only $75, and when I wrote to the guy, he said I could come pick it right up! So I did. And it was super heavy. And my wife did not seem to think the 400-year-old dishwasher that I was dragging out of the car was my best idea ever, although she did finally help me lug it up the stairs.
Once inside I rolled it into the kitchen, loaded it up with dishes, plugged it into the wall, and then hooked it up to the sink. Or I tried. As it turns out, the sink-hose-faucet device did not fit onto my particular sink. Fail on me. But I was not to be stopped! This morning I headed over to the Home Depot after dropping Ruby off at school and I got an adapter that will connect my sink to the dishwasher, according to the store. And when I got home I attached the adapter to my faucet. Or I tried. It did not fit.
Luckily, using deductive reasoning (read: the internet), I managed to figure out that by removing a large washer from the device I could, in fact, get it to attach. And so I attached it. For realsies this time. And I hooked the portable dishwasher to the device. And I turned the water on. And it did not spray everywhere! In fact, it seemed to work very well. And now I have clean dishes. Win.
Now can anyone sell me a portable dish-putter-awayer?
Sadly, we do not have enough cabinet space to give up a bunch of it for a dishwasher. Happily, we do have a big space at the end of the counter that would nicely fit a portable dishwasher. I have only recently become aware of portable dishwashers, but back before every house and apartment came with an installed dishwasher I guess these were fairly popular. You plug them in and hook them to the faucet on your sink and presto! Instant dishwasher!
My first stop on the portable dishwasher world tour was Sears. They did have a couple of models available, but this was when I first discovered the horrifying fact that portable dishwashers are twice as expensive as the built in kind. Seriously?! I could get a regular dishwasher for $300 (or more if I wanted a crazy one that also made dinner, cleaned the house, and drove the kids to school), but the least expensive portable one was $600. This made me sad, because I could not somehow justify spending $600 that I do not have, just to avoid touching yucky dishes.
I had no choice but to turn to that bastion of all things cheap and/or sketchy: Craigslist. I found one for only $75, and when I wrote to the guy, he said I could come pick it right up! So I did. And it was super heavy. And my wife did not seem to think the 400-year-old dishwasher that I was dragging out of the car was my best idea ever, although she did finally help me lug it up the stairs.
Once inside I rolled it into the kitchen, loaded it up with dishes, plugged it into the wall, and then hooked it up to the sink. Or I tried. As it turns out, the sink-hose-faucet device did not fit onto my particular sink. Fail on me. But I was not to be stopped! This morning I headed over to the Home Depot after dropping Ruby off at school and I got an adapter that will connect my sink to the dishwasher, according to the store. And when I got home I attached the adapter to my faucet. Or I tried. It did not fit.
Luckily, using deductive reasoning (read: the internet), I managed to figure out that by removing a large washer from the device I could, in fact, get it to attach. And so I attached it. For realsies this time. And I hooked the portable dishwasher to the device. And I turned the water on. And it did not spray everywhere! In fact, it seemed to work very well. And now I have clean dishes. Win.
Now can anyone sell me a portable dish-putter-awayer?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Burger Night at Bread and Butter Farm
I would like to take this opportunity to tell you about something awesome and local. Unless you do not live in Vermont, in which case I would like to tell you about something awesome and far away that you will probably never experience. What is this exciting thing?! Why, it is my new place of employment run by my friends and serving up food and fun all summer long!
Now that I am back from New York I have agreed to help out as the grill cook at Bread and Butter Farm for their weekly (soon to be twice weekly!) Burger Nights! The owners of the farm have a son who is in Ruby's class at school, and I cannot say enough nice things about them. First of all, they own a farm. That is awesome in and of itself. And they are also musicians! Well, at least one of them is. I have never heard the other one sing anything, so I can't vouch for her. But the point is, they have put together a really fun event that I will now tell you about in greater detail.
Every Friday evening from 4:30-7:30 the farm (located off of Cheesefactory Road) hosts a Burger Night, with live local music, homegrown organic food, and an old-timey sense of community and fun. They probably don't need any free advertising, as last Friday we ran out of parking and, eventually, food, but I wanted to let all of my friends in on the awesomeness.
Kids climbing on hay bales. Cows roaming the fields, mooing left and right. A live band playing off to one side, people sitting at picnic tables eating grass-fed beef on fresh baked bread off to the other. A flash mob dancing in the middle of it all. Could there be a better way to spend a Friday night? Admittedly the flash mob was probably a one time thing, but it was pretty cool. Oh, and did I mention that I will be at the grill serving up food? There's the best part right there! You get to see me!
Anyway, I'm having a lot of fun and I wanted to share that fun with all of you. I love the food. I love the people. I love that it's local. And most of all, it beats standing next to a hot pizza oven all summer in a small kitchen with no windows. I'll be at the farm again on Friday, and in a few weeks they'll start hosting them on Mondays as well. But get there early if you want a parking spot and some food. Maybe I'll see you there.
Now that I am back from New York I have agreed to help out as the grill cook at Bread and Butter Farm for their weekly (soon to be twice weekly!) Burger Nights! The owners of the farm have a son who is in Ruby's class at school, and I cannot say enough nice things about them. First of all, they own a farm. That is awesome in and of itself. And they are also musicians! Well, at least one of them is. I have never heard the other one sing anything, so I can't vouch for her. But the point is, they have put together a really fun event that I will now tell you about in greater detail.
Every Friday evening from 4:30-7:30 the farm (located off of Cheesefactory Road) hosts a Burger Night, with live local music, homegrown organic food, and an old-timey sense of community and fun. They probably don't need any free advertising, as last Friday we ran out of parking and, eventually, food, but I wanted to let all of my friends in on the awesomeness.
Kids climbing on hay bales. Cows roaming the fields, mooing left and right. A live band playing off to one side, people sitting at picnic tables eating grass-fed beef on fresh baked bread off to the other. A flash mob dancing in the middle of it all. Could there be a better way to spend a Friday night? Admittedly the flash mob was probably a one time thing, but it was pretty cool. Oh, and did I mention that I will be at the grill serving up food? There's the best part right there! You get to see me!
Anyway, I'm having a lot of fun and I wanted to share that fun with all of you. I love the food. I love the people. I love that it's local. And most of all, it beats standing next to a hot pizza oven all summer in a small kitchen with no windows. I'll be at the farm again on Friday, and in a few weeks they'll start hosting them on Mondays as well. But get there early if you want a parking spot and some food. Maybe I'll see you there.
Friday, May 18, 2012
The Incarceration of Cats
When we first got our original cat, he was strictly an indoor cat. He came from being an indoor car and continued his indoor existence without much of a problem. Mr. J did not seem to be all that interested in going outside, occasional mad dash into the hallway notwithstanding.
At the time that we got our second cat, nothing had changed. We lived in the same apartment and we didn't want them running off into the busy roads that we lived on. Over time we did experiment with taking them outside on a tether (not a success) and letting them roam near the back door within eyesight (or further if they ran off), but mostly they were indoor cats.
When we moved into the quiet neighborhood in Baltimore and settled into the house with the big yard, the cats began to transition to outdoor animals. They stayed inside at night and most of the day too, but they certainly were free to come and go as they pleased. The cats seemed to enjoy this freedom, and when we moved to Vermont they definitely spent a lot of time outside, becoming one with nature and chasing snakes and that sort of thing.
So now that the cats are used to having free reign of their territory (which they define as "one day's walking distance from the house in all directions"), we have moved into a townhouse that is a part of a community that does not allow outdoor pets. It is right there in the papers we signed. No cats allowed outside except on leashes. And if you had seen my cat on the tether you would know that the leash thing was never going to work out.
The problem with this is that the cats, having been given a taste of the great outdoors, no longer wish to remain inside all the time. They spend their days skulking around near the front door, scowling, plotting my death, and trying to slip by whoever is coming in or going out. This is very annoying, but we thought we had a solution. We have a deck on the second floor that overlooks the courtyard, and the cats could go onto said deck without having any way to get down to the ground level. A perfect compromise! And it would have worked out perfectly too, if the cats weren't so ridiculous.
I guess the second story is not high enough that the cats find it to be a jumping deterrent. Since they always land on their feet, what's the big deal, right? And the wooden bars running around the deck are just exactly the right size to let a cat squish through them. Mr. J is not crazy enough to attempt this, but Mousey thought she would give it a try today. The only problem is, the slats are exactly far enough apart to let a cat squeeze through, but Mousey needed to make a big jump to get down, so she would squeeze halfway through, hunch up her back legs to prepare her big leap, start to spring forward, and then remain completely stuck, because she cannot fit through with her hind legs in jumping position. This caused a lot of meowling and whining, so I had to grab her by the scruff of her neck and pull her forward through the slats and put her back onto the deck. And then the stupid cat goes and tries it again! And again!
Three times I had to yank that cat through the bars of my deck because she had gotten stuck, and finally I just put her back into the house. Deck privileges revoked! This caused hissing and glaring, and finally some more skulking, but what was I supposed to do?! I am not going to spend my day pulling my cat out of the deck. I have unpacking to do!
I don't know if the cats will ever get used to the fact that they are once again indoor cats, or if they will seethe and hate me forever, but believe me, I wish they would go outside and leave me alone just as much as they do. And I don't think walking them around the perimeter of the building on a leash is going to make them any happier. So for now they are stuck here with me. I guess we'll have to wait and see how their parole hearing goes.
At the time that we got our second cat, nothing had changed. We lived in the same apartment and we didn't want them running off into the busy roads that we lived on. Over time we did experiment with taking them outside on a tether (not a success) and letting them roam near the back door within eyesight (or further if they ran off), but mostly they were indoor cats.
When we moved into the quiet neighborhood in Baltimore and settled into the house with the big yard, the cats began to transition to outdoor animals. They stayed inside at night and most of the day too, but they certainly were free to come and go as they pleased. The cats seemed to enjoy this freedom, and when we moved to Vermont they definitely spent a lot of time outside, becoming one with nature and chasing snakes and that sort of thing.
So now that the cats are used to having free reign of their territory (which they define as "one day's walking distance from the house in all directions"), we have moved into a townhouse that is a part of a community that does not allow outdoor pets. It is right there in the papers we signed. No cats allowed outside except on leashes. And if you had seen my cat on the tether you would know that the leash thing was never going to work out.
The problem with this is that the cats, having been given a taste of the great outdoors, no longer wish to remain inside all the time. They spend their days skulking around near the front door, scowling, plotting my death, and trying to slip by whoever is coming in or going out. This is very annoying, but we thought we had a solution. We have a deck on the second floor that overlooks the courtyard, and the cats could go onto said deck without having any way to get down to the ground level. A perfect compromise! And it would have worked out perfectly too, if the cats weren't so ridiculous.
I guess the second story is not high enough that the cats find it to be a jumping deterrent. Since they always land on their feet, what's the big deal, right? And the wooden bars running around the deck are just exactly the right size to let a cat squish through them. Mr. J is not crazy enough to attempt this, but Mousey thought she would give it a try today. The only problem is, the slats are exactly far enough apart to let a cat squeeze through, but Mousey needed to make a big jump to get down, so she would squeeze halfway through, hunch up her back legs to prepare her big leap, start to spring forward, and then remain completely stuck, because she cannot fit through with her hind legs in jumping position. This caused a lot of meowling and whining, so I had to grab her by the scruff of her neck and pull her forward through the slats and put her back onto the deck. And then the stupid cat goes and tries it again! And again!
Three times I had to yank that cat through the bars of my deck because she had gotten stuck, and finally I just put her back into the house. Deck privileges revoked! This caused hissing and glaring, and finally some more skulking, but what was I supposed to do?! I am not going to spend my day pulling my cat out of the deck. I have unpacking to do!
I don't know if the cats will ever get used to the fact that they are once again indoor cats, or if they will seethe and hate me forever, but believe me, I wish they would go outside and leave me alone just as much as they do. And I don't think walking them around the perimeter of the building on a leash is going to make them any happier. So for now they are stuck here with me. I guess we'll have to wait and see how their parole hearing goes.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
The Brotherhood of Brother-In-Laws
My wife is one of three sisters. She is married to me, her younger sister is married to Uncle Tall Dave, and her older sister is not married at all. Uncle Tall Dave and I get along very well, which is good since we have to spend all major holidays together as the only two adult males in the room. But now it seems that my wife's older sister is interested in dating and maybe finding a husband and settling down as well. If only it were that simple.
What she may or may not know is that any potential husband of hers will have to be fully vetted and approved by the Brotherhood of Brother-In-Laws, the founding members of which are myself and Uncle Tall Dave. We formed the BOBILs the day he married my wife's younger sister and we became BILs. The brotherhood has been going strong for years now, and we can't have just any random guy showing up and messing with our awesome dynamic.
Any potential suitor must first undergo a series of tests, including, but not limited to, paintball, family game night, gift giving drills, nerd trivia, and turkey carving. If he should pass this rigorous and thorough preliminary phase, we would move on to the surprise two hour oral exams. These would consist of us just asking him tons of pointed questions, such as "what are your intentions with our sister-in-law," and "list three major ways in which the second season of Game of Thrones differs from the book."
I will be the first to admit that it is going to be tough for my sister-in-law to find a man that meets our requirements, because many of our required traits are exactly opposite of the traits that might make a man an attractive potential spouse. For instance, is he better looking than us? If so, forget about it. We don't need some hot shot fancy pants Brad Clooney showing us up all the time. Does he get along well with our mother-in-law? Well then he is out. The last thing we need is for the two of them to become best friends and then team up on us in the future and make us do the dishes. No, we are looking for a kind of nerdy, pudgy, milquetoasty guy who occasionally annoys our mother-in-law.
If anyone fitting this description is interested in joining team BOBIL, you may submit an application to us directly. If we do approve you, we would be happy to introduce you to our sister-in-law, although that is really more of a formality. Plenty of time to get acquainted at the wedding, right?! Of course right. So don't be shy! There is only one spot left in the BOBILs, so time is of the essence. Preference given to candidates with Xbox 360s or PS3s.
What she may or may not know is that any potential husband of hers will have to be fully vetted and approved by the Brotherhood of Brother-In-Laws, the founding members of which are myself and Uncle Tall Dave. We formed the BOBILs the day he married my wife's younger sister and we became BILs. The brotherhood has been going strong for years now, and we can't have just any random guy showing up and messing with our awesome dynamic.
Any potential suitor must first undergo a series of tests, including, but not limited to, paintball, family game night, gift giving drills, nerd trivia, and turkey carving. If he should pass this rigorous and thorough preliminary phase, we would move on to the surprise two hour oral exams. These would consist of us just asking him tons of pointed questions, such as "what are your intentions with our sister-in-law," and "list three major ways in which the second season of Game of Thrones differs from the book."
I will be the first to admit that it is going to be tough for my sister-in-law to find a man that meets our requirements, because many of our required traits are exactly opposite of the traits that might make a man an attractive potential spouse. For instance, is he better looking than us? If so, forget about it. We don't need some hot shot fancy pants Brad Clooney showing us up all the time. Does he get along well with our mother-in-law? Well then he is out. The last thing we need is for the two of them to become best friends and then team up on us in the future and make us do the dishes. No, we are looking for a kind of nerdy, pudgy, milquetoasty guy who occasionally annoys our mother-in-law.
If anyone fitting this description is interested in joining team BOBIL, you may submit an application to us directly. If we do approve you, we would be happy to introduce you to our sister-in-law, although that is really more of a formality. Plenty of time to get acquainted at the wedding, right?! Of course right. So don't be shy! There is only one spot left in the BOBILs, so time is of the essence. Preference given to candidates with Xbox 360s or PS3s.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Injuries Sustained While Moving
Scraped and Bruised Shins
Although we had previously moved last weekend, we still had a ton of stuff left at the old place, so yesterday I rented a truck and moved the rest of it out, either to the new house, or my sister's basement. On the very first box I tried to move off the truck, I slipped and fell backwards, first hitting the truck's step with my shins, and then landing on my back in a puddle. Oh yeah, and it was raining too, which may have been why I slipped. I think it aches worse today than it did yesterday.
Banged Elbow
It hurts to bend my right elbow now. It also hurts to straighten it out. So there you go. This happened when I tried to push a door closed, but my unfamiliarity with the new house caused me to not realize that the door would slow down on the carpet and not actually close all the way, so as I swung back around with a box in my hands, I smashed my elbow pretty freaking hard on the half-open door.
Deep Scratches on My Left Arm
This happened because I moved a box onto a cat and the cat objected into my arm.
Sore Throat and Sniffles
Okay, okay, this is not technically an injury, but I did spend the entire day outside in the rain, and now I am sick. Now, just to be clear, standing out in the cold and rain will not directly cause you to catch a cold, but this conventional wisdom has lasted through the years for a reason. For one thing, water does carry germs, but a more likely scenario is that my body was spending so much energy trying to keep me warm and dry, that it did not have the resources necessary to fight off any colds that might be wandering by. Also, Edward has a cold. So that might be it too.
Strained Back
I know; I should have lifted with my knees, but my knees were sore from the shin smashing, and also from going up and down a long flight of stairs approximately seventeen million times.
Sore Knees
See: Strained Back
The good news is, we are done moving. All that is left to do is to go back and give the old place the old once-over and make sure it is all clean and good. And then I am going to take a bath for the next three days. And after that I guess I will have to start unpacking all the junk I just moved in here, but let's not rush anything.
Although we had previously moved last weekend, we still had a ton of stuff left at the old place, so yesterday I rented a truck and moved the rest of it out, either to the new house, or my sister's basement. On the very first box I tried to move off the truck, I slipped and fell backwards, first hitting the truck's step with my shins, and then landing on my back in a puddle. Oh yeah, and it was raining too, which may have been why I slipped. I think it aches worse today than it did yesterday.
Banged Elbow
It hurts to bend my right elbow now. It also hurts to straighten it out. So there you go. This happened when I tried to push a door closed, but my unfamiliarity with the new house caused me to not realize that the door would slow down on the carpet and not actually close all the way, so as I swung back around with a box in my hands, I smashed my elbow pretty freaking hard on the half-open door.
Deep Scratches on My Left Arm
This happened because I moved a box onto a cat and the cat objected into my arm.
Sore Throat and Sniffles
Okay, okay, this is not technically an injury, but I did spend the entire day outside in the rain, and now I am sick. Now, just to be clear, standing out in the cold and rain will not directly cause you to catch a cold, but this conventional wisdom has lasted through the years for a reason. For one thing, water does carry germs, but a more likely scenario is that my body was spending so much energy trying to keep me warm and dry, that it did not have the resources necessary to fight off any colds that might be wandering by. Also, Edward has a cold. So that might be it too.
Strained Back
I know; I should have lifted with my knees, but my knees were sore from the shin smashing, and also from going up and down a long flight of stairs approximately seventeen million times.
Sore Knees
See: Strained Back
The good news is, we are done moving. All that is left to do is to go back and give the old place the old once-over and make sure it is all clean and good. And then I am going to take a bath for the next three days. And after that I guess I will have to start unpacking all the junk I just moved in here, but let's not rush anything.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Ruby Plays Ball
Ruby loves rules. But, like any of us fellow rule-lovers, what she loves most is to make up her own rules and then strictly follow them, expecting everyone else to do the same. For instance, yesterday we were playing the time-honored game of "catch" in the courtyard. The game, as it has stood for centuries, is quite simple. One person throws the ball in the general direction of the other person, and that other person then tries to catch it. And then back, and forth, repeat, et cetera, and so on, and so forth, ad infinitum.
Well, Ruby is very good at throwing the ball in my direction, but not so great at catching it. Therefore, she made a slight adjustment to the rules. "If I touch the ball at all, it counts as catching it," she informed me. Ummmmm, okay? So I would throw the ball to her, she would not quite catch it, and then yell "That counted!"
Me: "Are you ready?"
Ruby: "Yup, throw it!"
Me: *throws the ball*
Ruby: "I'm okay! It bounced off my eyeball, so it counts! I caught it!"
Ball: *rolls under a car*
That was an actual exchange between us. But then that sneaky girl decided to use the new rules to her even greater advantage. As the game progressed, she began throwing the ball not at all in my direction, and as I ran off after it Ruby would shout out "You didn't touch it! It didn't count!" Yes, thank you for that.
Ruby did very well at this game of catch with updated rules, which makes sense since she invented the new rules in the first place. Many of my catches did not count, because the ball went directly into a bush, or were thrown behind Ruby, even though I was standing in front of her. But we still had fun, and maybe someday I will even start to get better at "new catch." At which point I'm sure Ruby will change the rules again.
Well, Ruby is very good at throwing the ball in my direction, but not so great at catching it. Therefore, she made a slight adjustment to the rules. "If I touch the ball at all, it counts as catching it," she informed me. Ummmmm, okay? So I would throw the ball to her, she would not quite catch it, and then yell "That counted!"
Me: "Are you ready?"
Ruby: "Yup, throw it!"
Me: *throws the ball*
Ruby: "I'm okay! It bounced off my eyeball, so it counts! I caught it!"
Ball: *rolls under a car*
That was an actual exchange between us. But then that sneaky girl decided to use the new rules to her even greater advantage. As the game progressed, she began throwing the ball not at all in my direction, and as I ran off after it Ruby would shout out "You didn't touch it! It didn't count!" Yes, thank you for that.
Ruby did very well at this game of catch with updated rules, which makes sense since she invented the new rules in the first place. Many of my catches did not count, because the ball went directly into a bush, or were thrown behind Ruby, even though I was standing in front of her. But we still had fun, and maybe someday I will even start to get better at "new catch." At which point I'm sure Ruby will change the rules again.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Help Me Pick My New Headshot
Well, I got the results back from my recent photo shoot, and out of over 100 shots, I have narrowed the field down to three. But as anyone who has ever had headshots taken knows, it is very difficult to choose the final shot, especially as many of them look so similar. It can all come down to an eyebrow, or a tilt of the head, or just a tiny difference in the shape of the smile. This is why I need as many opinions as I can get. Here are the three finalists I am choosing from. Please vote in the comments for your favorite.
SHOT ONE
This one looks good for a lot of reasons, but mostly the expression. I seem to be saying "Really? You're not going to hire me? You
are an idiot." which is what all singers are thinking during their
auditions. The problem with this one is that it is sideways. Is that
weird? Is it okay to hand someone a packet with your resume and bio and
then have your headshot be sideways? I'm not sure, but again I am
being overly picky here.
SHOT TWO
This one looks even better than the last one, but I am wearing a tie in this one. I am worried that the tie
does not look good. Do you see that weird wrinkle in it, or is that
just me? I would hate to toss out a great photo just because of the
tie, but I really want to look like a professional opera singer in
whatever shot I choose, so I can't afford to overlook any detail, no
matter how small...
SHOT THREE
Of all three shots, I am probably leaning the most towards this one. I am not wearing a tie, it is not sideways, and my expression is spot on. I look fun and confident. I just worry that my arms are not hairy enough to pull off the birthday suit look. I guess I could digitally add some shoulder hair or something, but that just feels like dishonesty to me, and if the opera company wants me to perform naked (which they obviously will after seeing this photo) then I worry that they might be disappointed in my only partial hairiness.
Well, as you can see the shoot was a huge success, and whichever photo I decide on will clearly get me tons of singing jobs, but I could sure use your help in picking that winning look. What do you think, loyal readers? Shot 1, 2, or 3? And let me know soon. I want to print out like 500 of these.
SHOT ONE
SHOT TWO
SHOT THREE
Well, as you can see the shoot was a huge success, and whichever photo I decide on will clearly get me tons of singing jobs, but I could sure use your help in picking that winning look. What do you think, loyal readers? Shot 1, 2, or 3? And let me know soon. I want to print out like 500 of these.
Friday, May 11, 2012
New Headshots
Okay, I will admit it. I lied to you a little bit yesterday. I did not spend the entire day reading "A Dance with Dragons." I also had a photo shoot scheduled for my new headshots, and they wouldn't let me read during any of it!
For those of you not in "the biz," headshots are shots of your head. Photographs. Of you. That you hand out at auditions, put on your website, and print on flyers and posters that you slip under people's windshield wipers in supermarket parking lots hoping one of the shoppers is a famous opera director. Tradition has it that you should have headshots taken when you are in your twenties and then continue to use them until you retire, causing many double takes from audience members looking quickly back and forth between the program and the stage. I, however, have decided to update mine.
It's not that the photos were taken poorly the last time, and it's not like I look all that differently than I did a few years ago. It's more that my old photos made me look like a vampire. Maybe it was the make-up I used, or maybe it was the lighting, or maybe I had lost a lot of blood, but I am ridiculously pale in the photos, to the point that I look like some sort of undead creature. Not just washed out either. It was a very vivid picture of a clearly very white me.
The photo shoot yesterday went very well I think, and I got a few shots that I believe I could use, although I won't be 100% sure until I have photoshopped all of my ugliness out of them. Headshots should not have out of place hairs or facial blemishes, but sadly heads often have those things, so what we can't fix with make-up and magic, we fix with digital editing. On a side note, I think the nudes I did were very tasteful, but they definitely require the most photoshopping...
I will be very excited to choose the final shot and have it all touched up and printed out, so I can finally stop looking like a vampire and start looking like an opera singer. I just have to decide which shirt I look better in, and that could take months.
For those of you not in "the biz," headshots are shots of your head. Photographs. Of you. That you hand out at auditions, put on your website, and print on flyers and posters that you slip under people's windshield wipers in supermarket parking lots hoping one of the shoppers is a famous opera director. Tradition has it that you should have headshots taken when you are in your twenties and then continue to use them until you retire, causing many double takes from audience members looking quickly back and forth between the program and the stage. I, however, have decided to update mine.
It's not that the photos were taken poorly the last time, and it's not like I look all that differently than I did a few years ago. It's more that my old photos made me look like a vampire. Maybe it was the make-up I used, or maybe it was the lighting, or maybe I had lost a lot of blood, but I am ridiculously pale in the photos, to the point that I look like some sort of undead creature. Not just washed out either. It was a very vivid picture of a clearly very white me.
The photo shoot yesterday went very well I think, and I got a few shots that I believe I could use, although I won't be 100% sure until I have photoshopped all of my ugliness out of them. Headshots should not have out of place hairs or facial blemishes, but sadly heads often have those things, so what we can't fix with make-up and magic, we fix with digital editing. On a side note, I think the nudes I did were very tasteful, but they definitely require the most photoshopping...
I will be very excited to choose the final shot and have it all touched up and printed out, so I can finally stop looking like a vampire and start looking like an opera singer. I just have to decide which shirt I look better in, and that could take months.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
On to the Fifth!
Well, I finally finished "A Feast For Crows," book four in A Song of Ice and Fire. I wrote to you recently about my "Game of Thrones" reading adventures, but failed to mention the fact that book 4 was moving kind of slowly. But no longer! I am happy to report that I started "A Dance With Dragons" yesterday on the Megabus, and I can't put it down. Literally. I am reading it right now while I type this (not as easy as you might think). It is so much more interesting and exciting already than book 4 ever was, and so I cannot write an interesting blog today. Sorry. But I thought I should at least let you know what I was doing instead of blogging. I'll write something better tomorrow. Maybe. Back to book 5!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Things I Will Miss Forever
A very sad thing happened to me last night. As we are in the middle of moving (again!) and I had not unpacked the kitchen yet, the family spent another exciting dinner at the mall food court. I went up to the Taco Bell and tried to order my usual, except my usual no longer exists! I must add it to a long list of products that I loved passionately while they were around, but whose flames I must now carry in my heart alone. Here are a few examples:
THE BAJA CHALUPA
Ok, I will freely admit it. It is probably the worst thing for me that I have ever eaten. And I mean that literally. I was psyched when Taco Bell unveiled the "gordita" (which is just a giant taco), and even more excited when they decided to deep fry it and call it a "chalupa." Originally there were three different styles, and I always got the "baja." Why? Very simple. I hate sour cream. Can't stand it at all. But the baja chalupa had no sour cream. Instead it had "baja sauce," which was basically mayonnaise. And I love mayonnaise. What could possibly be better than a deep fried taco with mayo? Nothing, that's what. But now they only make the "supreme" chalupa. It is full of sour cream and heartbreak.
JURASSIC PARK CEREAL
Do you remember when they used to make random cereals for big summer movies? They would basically take a couple of other kinds of cereal, mix them together, and call it something else. I would often try these unholy monstrosities out of sheer curiosity, but I struck gold with Jurassic Park Crunch. It was oat cereal and corn cereal, plus marshmallows! It was somehow a concoction more delicious than the sum of its parts, and I still wish I could gobble it up, T-Rex style. Which, now that I think about it, would mean not using my tiny arms, and just biting at it with my giant head. Maybe I would eat it velociraptor style...
MCDONALD'S HOT MUSTARD SAUCE
It was not hot, it was not mustardy, but by golly it was sauce, and I loved it. I loved it more than anything else on this list. I would seriously take extra packets home with me and use it on sandwiches when I was in college. My good college friend Brick will be happy to tell you about the time I was visiting her new apartment and forgot that I had a few packets in my pockets, which then burst and I spent the day in my underwear, trying to wash McDonald's Hot Mustard Sauce out of my pants. And it was worth it. I have ordered the mcnuggets exactly once since they canned the hot mustard sauce, and when I found out they didn't carry it any more, I cancelled my order. There was only ever one good reason to eat a mcnugget, and it was that hot mustard sauce.
QUIZNOS FROM 10 YEARS AGO
Man, Quiznos used to be so good! Now it is just Subway with different cookies. But right before it really broke out and became a truly national chain (i.e., terrible), Quiznos was actually extremely delicious. The bread was almost like real bread. Thick and wide, and they cut it to whatever length you wanted. And the meats and cheeses, oh goodness, it was like they actually came from animals. They would pile it onto a scale to weigh it for you, then rinse it off and build you a fabulous sandwich. The cookies were better. They had Vanilla Coke on tap. They were my perfect chain sandwich place. And then they changed everything. I now find them interchangeable with Subway, except that Quiznos committed the mortal sin of switching over to Pepsi products, so if I am in the mood for a medium to sub-par sandwich served to me quickly and cheaply, I generally pick Subway. But if I had a time machine, I would pick pre-2002 Quiznos every time.
CRULLERS
When I was a kid, there were certain things that you took for granted. Saturday mornings were for cartoons, the Red Sox would never win another world series, and Dunkin' Donuts had the best crullers. Well, here we are, and crullers, like Saturday morning cartoons, are a thing of the past. The Red Sox did win one, I know, but it seems possible that they never will again, so we'll leave that one be for now. A cruller, in case you didn't know, is basically just a long donut, but twisted around itself somehow, and I always loved them. When I left for college I guess I kind of forgot about them. I figured they might be more of a Northeastern thing. But now that I am back in Vermont, I am horrified to learn that Dunkin' Donuts stopped making crullers in 2003. Apparently they make donuts by computer now instead of by hand, and the computers don't know how to make a cruller. We can still get Koffee Kup crullers (and we do), but I will never forgot going into a Dunkin' Donuts and counting a cruller among my order.
FESTIVUS ICE CREAM
Brown sugar cinnamon ice cream with gingerbread cookies and a ginger caramel swirl. This was the pure frozen confection perfection that was Ben & Jerry's Festivus ice cream. A limited batch flavor inspired by the Seinfeld episode, this ice cream was Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all rolled into one and dancing the dance of the sugarplum fairies on your tongue. But sadly, limited batch means exactly what you think it does. Though they did bring it back a second year, Festivus was with us too short a time. Today, Cinnamon Buns has almost filled that hole in my heart. Almost.
Ok, in hindsight I now realize that all of the items on this list are foods. I guess I am still thinking about that chalupa. But there are tons of other products that I miss too, I swear it! Maybe when I can stop blogging with my stomach I will do a follow-up post dealing with non-food items. Anybody else out there have anything they can't stop missing, long after its shelf life is up?
THE BAJA CHALUPA
Ok, I will freely admit it. It is probably the worst thing for me that I have ever eaten. And I mean that literally. I was psyched when Taco Bell unveiled the "gordita" (which is just a giant taco), and even more excited when they decided to deep fry it and call it a "chalupa." Originally there were three different styles, and I always got the "baja." Why? Very simple. I hate sour cream. Can't stand it at all. But the baja chalupa had no sour cream. Instead it had "baja sauce," which was basically mayonnaise. And I love mayonnaise. What could possibly be better than a deep fried taco with mayo? Nothing, that's what. But now they only make the "supreme" chalupa. It is full of sour cream and heartbreak.
JURASSIC PARK CEREAL
Do you remember when they used to make random cereals for big summer movies? They would basically take a couple of other kinds of cereal, mix them together, and call it something else. I would often try these unholy monstrosities out of sheer curiosity, but I struck gold with Jurassic Park Crunch. It was oat cereal and corn cereal, plus marshmallows! It was somehow a concoction more delicious than the sum of its parts, and I still wish I could gobble it up, T-Rex style. Which, now that I think about it, would mean not using my tiny arms, and just biting at it with my giant head. Maybe I would eat it velociraptor style...
MCDONALD'S HOT MUSTARD SAUCE
It was not hot, it was not mustardy, but by golly it was sauce, and I loved it. I loved it more than anything else on this list. I would seriously take extra packets home with me and use it on sandwiches when I was in college. My good college friend Brick will be happy to tell you about the time I was visiting her new apartment and forgot that I had a few packets in my pockets, which then burst and I spent the day in my underwear, trying to wash McDonald's Hot Mustard Sauce out of my pants. And it was worth it. I have ordered the mcnuggets exactly once since they canned the hot mustard sauce, and when I found out they didn't carry it any more, I cancelled my order. There was only ever one good reason to eat a mcnugget, and it was that hot mustard sauce.
QUIZNOS FROM 10 YEARS AGO
Man, Quiznos used to be so good! Now it is just Subway with different cookies. But right before it really broke out and became a truly national chain (i.e., terrible), Quiznos was actually extremely delicious. The bread was almost like real bread. Thick and wide, and they cut it to whatever length you wanted. And the meats and cheeses, oh goodness, it was like they actually came from animals. They would pile it onto a scale to weigh it for you, then rinse it off and build you a fabulous sandwich. The cookies were better. They had Vanilla Coke on tap. They were my perfect chain sandwich place. And then they changed everything. I now find them interchangeable with Subway, except that Quiznos committed the mortal sin of switching over to Pepsi products, so if I am in the mood for a medium to sub-par sandwich served to me quickly and cheaply, I generally pick Subway. But if I had a time machine, I would pick pre-2002 Quiznos every time.
CRULLERS
When I was a kid, there were certain things that you took for granted. Saturday mornings were for cartoons, the Red Sox would never win another world series, and Dunkin' Donuts had the best crullers. Well, here we are, and crullers, like Saturday morning cartoons, are a thing of the past. The Red Sox did win one, I know, but it seems possible that they never will again, so we'll leave that one be for now. A cruller, in case you didn't know, is basically just a long donut, but twisted around itself somehow, and I always loved them. When I left for college I guess I kind of forgot about them. I figured they might be more of a Northeastern thing. But now that I am back in Vermont, I am horrified to learn that Dunkin' Donuts stopped making crullers in 2003. Apparently they make donuts by computer now instead of by hand, and the computers don't know how to make a cruller. We can still get Koffee Kup crullers (and we do), but I will never forgot going into a Dunkin' Donuts and counting a cruller among my order.
FESTIVUS ICE CREAM
Brown sugar cinnamon ice cream with gingerbread cookies and a ginger caramel swirl. This was the pure frozen confection perfection that was Ben & Jerry's Festivus ice cream. A limited batch flavor inspired by the Seinfeld episode, this ice cream was Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all rolled into one and dancing the dance of the sugarplum fairies on your tongue. But sadly, limited batch means exactly what you think it does. Though they did bring it back a second year, Festivus was with us too short a time. Today, Cinnamon Buns has almost filled that hole in my heart. Almost.
Ok, in hindsight I now realize that all of the items on this list are foods. I guess I am still thinking about that chalupa. But there are tons of other products that I miss too, I swear it! Maybe when I can stop blogging with my stomach I will do a follow-up post dealing with non-food items. Anybody else out there have anything they can't stop missing, long after its shelf life is up?
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Overheard at Starbucks
Man 1: Did you get me something?
Man 2: Yeah.
Man 1: Well what did you get me, man?
Man 2: Uhhhhh, a caramel, ummmm, caramel...something. Uhhh, macchiato. A caramel macchiato.
Man 1: What the hell is a macchiato?!
Man 2: I have no idea. God damn it! Why are we here?!
Man 1: This place is confusing.
Man 2: For real.
Man 1: It better at least be a drink. I'm thirsty.
Man 2: Yeah.
Man 1: Well what did you get me, man?
Man 2: Uhhhhh, a caramel, ummmm, caramel...something. Uhhh, macchiato. A caramel macchiato.
Man 1: What the hell is a macchiato?!
Man 2: I have no idea. God damn it! Why are we here?!
Man 1: This place is confusing.
Man 2: For real.
Man 1: It better at least be a drink. I'm thirsty.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Why The Avengers is Awesome
Is "The Avengers" the best movie of all time? Probably not. Is it my favorite movie of all time? I guess time will tell, but it has certainly jumped toward the top of the list, and there can be no doubt that it is one of the best "comic book movies" of the past decade or two. I loved "The Dark Knight" and "Spider-Man" and "Iron Man," but I have always maintained that my personal favorite superhero movie is "X2." That may have changed, but if it has, it is only because I loved "The Avengers" for all the same reasons I loved "X2."
When I painted the murals for my daughter's room, I told you that part of my inspiration was a cartoon special I had seen as a kid that combined all of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons into one awesome half-hour. There was seriously nothing cooler than seeing the Muppet Babies hanging out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And this isn't just a comic book thing. Crossovers are popular across genres.
Soap operas do it. Prime time shows do it (Hawaii 5-O and NCIS just did one!). Movies do it too. Remember how excited people were for Star Trek: Generations?" Kirk and Picard were finally going to meet! I am also reminded of the recent film "Midnight in Paris." Now some of that stuff actually happened, but how cool is it to think about Picasso, Hemmingway, Porter, and tons of other writers, artists, and musicians all hanging out together?! They were the Avengers of culture!
So right off the bat "The Avengers" is looking like a win for me, because you've got all of these great heroes, each from other movies, all getting together for the first time. That doesn't mean it will be good, not by a long shot, but it already has a leg up in the hype and excitement departments. And then the movie takes all of these different characters and blends them together perfectly into a movie that is exciting, funny, at times touching, and most of all just plain awesome.
I think we have director Joss Whedon to thank for that, because it is not an easy job to take a bunch of stars and give them each the chance to shine just the right amount without any of them overpowering the others. But he does it. In the same way that "X2" did it. You may have your favorite at the end of the day, but I don't think anyone can complain that their personal hero didn't get screen time, or any awesome moments. If you like superhero movies, you can't miss this one. If you like summer action blockbusters, go see this movie. If you enjoy comedies about a group of outsiders being forced to work together, this is the movie for you. And if you don't like any of those things, then I'm sorry for you, but don't worry, Oscar season starts in the fall.
When I painted the murals for my daughter's room, I told you that part of my inspiration was a cartoon special I had seen as a kid that combined all of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons into one awesome half-hour. There was seriously nothing cooler than seeing the Muppet Babies hanging out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And this isn't just a comic book thing. Crossovers are popular across genres.
Soap operas do it. Prime time shows do it (Hawaii 5-O and NCIS just did one!). Movies do it too. Remember how excited people were for Star Trek: Generations?" Kirk and Picard were finally going to meet! I am also reminded of the recent film "Midnight in Paris." Now some of that stuff actually happened, but how cool is it to think about Picasso, Hemmingway, Porter, and tons of other writers, artists, and musicians all hanging out together?! They were the Avengers of culture!
So right off the bat "The Avengers" is looking like a win for me, because you've got all of these great heroes, each from other movies, all getting together for the first time. That doesn't mean it will be good, not by a long shot, but it already has a leg up in the hype and excitement departments. And then the movie takes all of these different characters and blends them together perfectly into a movie that is exciting, funny, at times touching, and most of all just plain awesome.
I think we have director Joss Whedon to thank for that, because it is not an easy job to take a bunch of stars and give them each the chance to shine just the right amount without any of them overpowering the others. But he does it. In the same way that "X2" did it. You may have your favorite at the end of the day, but I don't think anyone can complain that their personal hero didn't get screen time, or any awesome moments. If you like superhero movies, you can't miss this one. If you like summer action blockbusters, go see this movie. If you enjoy comedies about a group of outsiders being forced to work together, this is the movie for you. And if you don't like any of those things, then I'm sorry for you, but don't worry, Oscar season starts in the fall.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Billy Budd/Moves Like Claggart
Tonight is the opening of the show that I am in, Billy Budd. Normally I use these occasions to make a parody music video about the opera, as I have done for Rigoletto, Gianni Schicchi, and Die Fledermaus in the past. But this time I wasn't sure if I should.
This time I am contracted with the Metropolitan Opera. They have signs on practically every wall of every room that say "No photography." How could I get material for my video without being able to film or photograph anything? But then, a breakthrough! This is the Metropolitan Opera! They have done this show before, and there are videos of it on youtube! I am happy to say that I was able to complete my video using only photos and videos I found available on the internet. I did not break any rules during my time on the inside. In fact, anyone could have made this video with only the internet, passing knowledge of the Billy Budd opera, and severe amounts of free time and personal weirdness.
If you are coming to the show tonight, spoiler alert, this video does discuss some of the key plot details of the show, But not more than, say, the program does. Why programs feel the need to spell everything out for people in advance is beyond me, especially with titles so prevalent these days, but that is a thought for another day. For today, please enjoy (or mock scornfully) my latest exercise in boredom and my first attempt at a medley mash-up: Billy Budd/Moves Like Claggart!
This time I am contracted with the Metropolitan Opera. They have signs on practically every wall of every room that say "No photography." How could I get material for my video without being able to film or photograph anything? But then, a breakthrough! This is the Metropolitan Opera! They have done this show before, and there are videos of it on youtube! I am happy to say that I was able to complete my video using only photos and videos I found available on the internet. I did not break any rules during my time on the inside. In fact, anyone could have made this video with only the internet, passing knowledge of the Billy Budd opera, and severe amounts of free time and personal weirdness.
If you are coming to the show tonight, spoiler alert, this video does discuss some of the key plot details of the show, But not more than, say, the program does. Why programs feel the need to spell everything out for people in advance is beyond me, especially with titles so prevalent these days, but that is a thought for another day. For today, please enjoy (or mock scornfully) my latest exercise in boredom and my first attempt at a medley mash-up: Billy Budd/Moves Like Claggart!
Thursday, May 3, 2012
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 8
As my long time readers may or may not recall, I once started on a quest to find all of the top 25 food trucks in New York City, as chosen by New York Magazine. If you need to catch up, the links are at the bottom of the page. Well, as of my last posting on the subject, I had found 22 out of the 25 trucks. But then, sadly, my gig ended and I had to go home, quest incomplete. But no longer!
Something serendipitous happened to me the other day. I was talking with my friend Clizzle, and I said "Hey, remember when I was trying to find all of those food trucks approximately one bajizillion years ago? Maybe we could find the last three." She agreed that this sounded like an excellent idea, and so off I went, home on the subway, trying to remember which ones I still needed to find. And there, parked directly outside of the subway entrance near my apartment as I walked up the steps to the street, sat one of them.
23) Go Burger
The Go Burger truck had broken down when I last left the city, and as fall was approaching and food truck season was ending, they decided to shut down early for the year and I was unable to get a delicious burger from them. But suddenly, as if in a vision, the truck appeared to me and told me that my quest was nigh at an end. Huzzah!
I got a burger, even though I had already eaten dinner, and it was pretty good. But it was definitely not the best burger from a truck that I have ever eaten. I thought there was a little too much bun for the burger, which made it a tad dry, but I was so happy just to have found it, that I really didn't care.
24) Endless Summer
Having been reinvigorated by the discovery of the 23rd truck, I quickly set my sights on a truck that I knew was there, but just very far away. And by very far away I mean Brooklyn. Having never really been to Brooklyn before, I assumed it was far away and hard to get to, but actually it was very easy. One subway transfer and I came out only a few blocks from the Endless Summer Taco Truck.
I got two tacos, one chicken and one beef, as well as the best deal ever, $1.50 for a Mexican Coke! You can't even get a regular Coke for that around here, and the one I had contained no nasty High Fructose Corn Syrup! Score! The tacos were excellent, and the sauce on them really was a stand out. Nothing tastes better than victory, but I still had one truck left. My arch-enemy. The truck I have looked for more than any other, and with no success. But I was determined not to fail this time.
25) Berry Fro Yo: The Taste of Failure
The Berry Fro Yo Truck is gone. I don't know where it went, or if it even still exists, but after 7 attempts, I have finally given up. Supposedly the Berry Fro Yo truck is sitting next to the Best Buy in Union Square. When I was last here I made three trips there to find it, and there was never a truck in that location. I supposed at the time that it may have gotten too late in the season and the truck had gone into hibernation.
Being back in the city again, I was determined to find this last truck, and so I called up Clizzle and the two of us trekked over to Union Square, only to find a different frozen yogurt truck sitting next to the Best Buy! For a moment I thought maybe the Berry Fro Yo truck had just changed its name and repainted its truck, but upon closer inspection, I could see that this was not the case. The specific toppings mentioned in the article that I was basing this whole hunt on were not on the menu here. Different truck. Quest still incomplete.
Not one to give up when the fates are clearly against him, I pressed on. I scoured the internet for clues. Berry Fro Yo had a website, whose domain registration had expired. Hmmmm. According to the FourSquare entry map, the location of the truck was actually down by Wall Street, so I went there as well. What did I find? The same wrong yogurt truck! Actually, two of them! I think it must be a chain. Perhaps they drove the Berry Fro Yo truck out of business?
On Tuesday I made my final attempt, one last desperate straw grasp, and headed back to Union Square. No, once again that fake chain yogurt truck was next to the Best Buy. I had to face it. The Berry Fro Yo truck was gone. And with no working website, no accurate FourSquare listing, and no other information available, I would have to give up. I suppose I could have just gotten some frozen yogurt from the new truck and pretended that it was Berry Fro Yo, but I actually hate frozen yogurt, and I was only going to get it for the sake of list completion purposes. With that no longer a possibility, it is time to call it a day, and bring an end to the great food truck hunt of 2010. I mean 2010-12.
But if anybody out there actually knows what happened to the Berry Fro Yo truck, or where I can find it now, let me know. I will happily go on another wild goose chase to be later detailed in this very space.
Something serendipitous happened to me the other day. I was talking with my friend Clizzle, and I said "Hey, remember when I was trying to find all of those food trucks approximately one bajizillion years ago? Maybe we could find the last three." She agreed that this sounded like an excellent idea, and so off I went, home on the subway, trying to remember which ones I still needed to find. And there, parked directly outside of the subway entrance near my apartment as I walked up the steps to the street, sat one of them.
23) Go Burger
The Go Burger truck had broken down when I last left the city, and as fall was approaching and food truck season was ending, they decided to shut down early for the year and I was unable to get a delicious burger from them. But suddenly, as if in a vision, the truck appeared to me and told me that my quest was nigh at an end. Huzzah!
I got a burger, even though I had already eaten dinner, and it was pretty good. But it was definitely not the best burger from a truck that I have ever eaten. I thought there was a little too much bun for the burger, which made it a tad dry, but I was so happy just to have found it, that I really didn't care.
24) Endless Summer
Having been reinvigorated by the discovery of the 23rd truck, I quickly set my sights on a truck that I knew was there, but just very far away. And by very far away I mean Brooklyn. Having never really been to Brooklyn before, I assumed it was far away and hard to get to, but actually it was very easy. One subway transfer and I came out only a few blocks from the Endless Summer Taco Truck.
I got two tacos, one chicken and one beef, as well as the best deal ever, $1.50 for a Mexican Coke! You can't even get a regular Coke for that around here, and the one I had contained no nasty High Fructose Corn Syrup! Score! The tacos were excellent, and the sauce on them really was a stand out. Nothing tastes better than victory, but I still had one truck left. My arch-enemy. The truck I have looked for more than any other, and with no success. But I was determined not to fail this time.
25) Berry Fro Yo: The Taste of Failure
The Berry Fro Yo Truck is gone. I don't know where it went, or if it even still exists, but after 7 attempts, I have finally given up. Supposedly the Berry Fro Yo truck is sitting next to the Best Buy in Union Square. When I was last here I made three trips there to find it, and there was never a truck in that location. I supposed at the time that it may have gotten too late in the season and the truck had gone into hibernation.
Being back in the city again, I was determined to find this last truck, and so I called up Clizzle and the two of us trekked over to Union Square, only to find a different frozen yogurt truck sitting next to the Best Buy! For a moment I thought maybe the Berry Fro Yo truck had just changed its name and repainted its truck, but upon closer inspection, I could see that this was not the case. The specific toppings mentioned in the article that I was basing this whole hunt on were not on the menu here. Different truck. Quest still incomplete.
Not one to give up when the fates are clearly against him, I pressed on. I scoured the internet for clues. Berry Fro Yo had a website, whose domain registration had expired. Hmmmm. According to the FourSquare entry map, the location of the truck was actually down by Wall Street, so I went there as well. What did I find? The same wrong yogurt truck! Actually, two of them! I think it must be a chain. Perhaps they drove the Berry Fro Yo truck out of business?
On Tuesday I made my final attempt, one last desperate straw grasp, and headed back to Union Square. No, once again that fake chain yogurt truck was next to the Best Buy. I had to face it. The Berry Fro Yo truck was gone. And with no working website, no accurate FourSquare listing, and no other information available, I would have to give up. I suppose I could have just gotten some frozen yogurt from the new truck and pretended that it was Berry Fro Yo, but I actually hate frozen yogurt, and I was only going to get it for the sake of list completion purposes. With that no longer a possibility, it is time to call it a day, and bring an end to the great food truck hunt of 2010. I mean 2010-12.
But if anybody out there actually knows what happened to the Berry Fro Yo truck, or where I can find it now, let me know. I will happily go on another wild goose chase to be later detailed in this very space.
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6
The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
The Need For a Tidy Ending
I am almost finished with A Feast For Crows, book 4 of “A Song of Ice and Fire,” or, as many of you know it, “The Game of Thrones Books.” I read the first two books way back in 2000, and when book three came out in 2001 I devoured it quickly. Then I had to wait what felt like a billion years for what we were told at the time was basically half a book. When George R.R. Martin made the decision to split book four into books-four-and-five, I made the decision to wait to read it until they were both available. That was six years ago. When book five did finally come out, I started back at the beginning and read the first three over again, and now I can finally read the new stuff!
Thanks to the television show, the books and the peoples of Westeros have gained significantly more popularity, and “Game of Thrones” has taken its rightful place in pop culture history. A high fantasy show with crossover mass appeal, I can’t help but compare it to another phenomenon that took off in a similar way, my personal favorite TV show of all time, Lost.
Like GOT, Lost was an epic and sweeping story about a place. In Lost’s case it was an island, and we slowly discovered the history of that island through the eyes of an ever-expanding cast of characters. And just like in GOT, one was never really sure that any of one’s favorite characters were going to survive.
I will not give any specific spoilers on either show/book except to say that they are both prone to killing off what appear to be fairly major characters whenever they feel it suits the story. And actually, this is a part of what makes them so good. But it does kind of muddle the ending for a lot of us.
We Americans have been, what’s the word for it? Disneyfied in our need for a tidy ending. It’s certainly not Disney’s fault, they didn’t start it, but they do seem to have become the poster child for a happy ending, no? And happy endings are the order of the day. And not just happy, but tidy. Tidy meaning that all the threads are wrapped up, all doors closed, all problems solved, and all characters at the end of their arc. Certainly one could argue that this is just good story telling. Having a satisfying ending is important when telling a story, and often one of the hardest things to do.
The last episode of Lost was extremely polarizing. People loved it. They hated it. They laughed, the cried, they said it ruined the entire show for them. People still debate it, and they especially debate whether or not it sucked. I worry about GOT for the same reason. How can you possibly end a story in a satisfactory way when you insist on humanizing your villains, killing off fan favorite characters, and introducing so many plot threads that it would be impossible to reconcile them all in a tidy way?
You see, we want to see our villains get their comeuppance, not feel sorry for them. We want our favorite characters to win in the end and get everything they ever wanted and live happily ever after, even though we know that happily ever after is basically impossible. I’m not saying you can’t be happy, but I am saying that once you stop struggling with life, you are probably dead. And we also want everything tied up at the end with a bow on it. All questions answered. All problems resolved. No new problems introduced, unless you are setting up a sequel.
But what if you are not telling the story of a character? What if you are telling the story of a place? Imagine that you want to write a series of books about America. The whole story, or at least the important bits that shaped it. And in order to not be dry and boring, you are going to tell it dramatically, through the eyes of the people that made history happen. You might have a character named Abraham Lincoln. His would be an exciting story, chapters and chapters of war and politics, and then, just when it seemed things were going well for him…..
Okay, no spoilers on the fate of Abraham Lincoln, but let’s just say that if this were a current book or TV show, the audience would be shocked, and many would call America “lame.” But see, it isn’t Abe’s story! It’s the story of America, and there are plenty of other interesting people to take over where he left off. And how do you wrap up that story, the story of a place? I don’t know, but I sure hope George R.R. Martin does, or he’s going to have a lot of angry readers at his house with torches and pitchforks.
P.S. – I loved the last episode of Lost. I thought it was a great balance of being both about the island, and the characters. In case you were wondering. But if you didn’t like it, we can still be friends.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The Cobb Salad Disparity
Do you remember when I told you about walking around the park with my voice teacher Nark? If so, then you may also recall that we generally ended up at a restaurant afterwards, and last night was no exception. In fact, we ended up at the same diner that we had eaten at the last time we had walked around Central Park, but to understand why, you need to know what happened the first time.
Nark took me to this diner because, well, it is a great diner. Everything there is good. We sat down to order and Nark, who is on a low-to-no-carb diet, ordered his usual Cobb Salad. But wait! Something was amiss! The description of the salad on the menu was not that of an exact Cobb Salad. This faux salad had corn in it, and it contained neither egg nor bleu cheese (two Cobb Salad staples)!
We called the waiter over and Nark told him that he would like to have the Cobb Salad, and with the egg and cheese in it. The waiter said that would be extra, and so we asked for the manager. Now, before we go any further, let me assure you that Nark is absolutely correct. A Cobb Salad is a specific salad, like a Waldorf Salad, that was invented by a chef and has an official list of ingredients. Garden salads and Greek salads may vary from place to place, but a Cobb Salad is a real thing. That being said, I suppose it is within the restaurant’s rights to alter it if they so wish. Anyway…
The manager agreed that Nark could have the salad the way he wanted it, but not content with that knowledge, Nark proceeded to look up theofficial Cobb Salad wikipedia page on his phone, and then hunt down the manager to prove his case. We got our food, it was good, and that was the end of that. Until last night.
Our path home brought us past the same diner, and Nark decided to go give them some more of a hard time about the salad. He walked in and stepped up to the hostess and informed her that he wanted to eat there, but because they didn’t know what a real Cobb Salad was, he was leaving and never eating there again.
The hostess seemed confused by this, but luckily for her the manager was standing right next to her, and he took over immediately, asking Nark what the problem was. Nark reiterated that he could no longer eat at this diner, due to their lack of Cobbish respect, and when the manager made the mistake of asking Nark what he was talking about, he walked over and grabbed a menu, pulled out his phone, and showed the man the precise differences between a wikipedia Cobb Salad and a diner Cobb Salad.
Honestly, before Nark even got to the comparison the guy was nodding his head and saying “Yeah, I know, egg and bleu cheese.” He clearly knew what a Cobb Salad was, and also knew that they made it differently there. But he told Nark that he could have his Cobb Salad any way he wanted, and so then we had to eat there.
Nark had another delicious Cobb Salad, just the way he likes it, and I had lasagna. No complaints.
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