Obamacare

This is not a post on whether or not The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is a good thing or not.  Like most legislation it has its good parts and its bad parts, but that is not what I care about today.  What I want to talk about is the stupid partisanship surrounding the whole issue.

Republicans are setting into motion a dangerous new way of doing things which the Democrats, being idiots, will probably jump right on board with.  This whole notion of extreme opposition is ridiculous and extremely harmful to our country, any yet that seems to be the ultimate political goal these days.

I suppose it all started back in the 2000 election, when the recounts, court battles, and political ire reached new heights of partisan absurdity, and it's all been downhill from there.  It seems that the whole goal of the Republican party is to stop Obama from doing anything.  That is not a good goal.  If the two sides of government are going to be spending all of their energy not letting each other do anything, then we are wasting a lot of money on a broken and useless government.  Why do we even need a government?

And it's all just a huge waste of time.  Yesterday, Obamacare was upheld as fully constitutional by the Supreme Court.  Years of fighting it led to the highest court in the land saying that Obamacare was okay, by use of semantics, the most powerful tool that courts and politicians have.  Republicans have spent huge amounts of time and money fighting this thing (after it had already passed, which is when it should have ended), and even now some of them are not finished.  GOP leaders have vowed to keep fighting against this bill, even calling the Supreme Court decision a boon in their ongoing war.

What are they up to in Washington?  Not thinking up new ideas for this country, that's for sure.  They are squabbling and bickering and trying to keep each other down just for the sake of keeping each other down.  That is not what this country needs.

And what is so wrong with Obamacare anyway?  Is it the individual mandate requiring everyone to have health insurance?  Sure, that's annoying, but I am required to have car insurance or else face penalties/taxes, which is also annoying.  Why am I forced to have car insurance just because I have a car?  Well, it's to protect other people financially.  The government has decided to infringe on my personal freedoms in order to protect other citizens from my potential mistakes.  In that light, it only makes sense that everyone with a body be required to have health insurance, since emergency rooms will take you no matter what.  Don't hospitals deserve to be paid as much as that guy you just plowed into on the interstate?  All I'm saying is, agree or disagree, this bill is not so far fetched that we need to spend years fighting it at the expense of helping the country in other ways.

This is an election year, as you may have noticed, and it is only going to get worse.  If the Republicans want to win the election, they need to make sure that Obama looks like a failure, and what better way to do that than to make sure that he fails?  But the issue is this: winning the election for your party ought to be secondary to the needs of the country.  I don't mean to make wild accusations, but many top Republicans officials have been quoted as saying that their top priority is the political destruction of Barack Obama.  If Obama wins in the fall, I expect they will continue their harassment in hopes of winning in 2016.  And if Romney wins?  The Democrats are slow learners, but I think they are starting to catch on.  I feel confident that "Romney Blocking" will be a major tool in their political arsenal in the hopes of winning back the presidency four years later.

The sad part is, all of this hate and vitriol has spilled out onto the voters as well.  My Facebook wall is filled with negative posts from my conservative friends and triumphal victory posts mocking the conservatives from my liberal friends.  Friends.  Take a step back.  Breathe.  Don't get caught up in the political posturing.  I think we can all agree that both parties are pretty terrible and you are wasting a lot of energy supporting one of them.  Obamacare has passed.  It's legal and constitutional.  Move on to the next thing.  Let's actually get something done in this country.

Passport Pictures of Children

It is not easy to get a good passport picture of a small child.  I knew this in advance because my sister-in-law recently had passport photos taken of her 2 year and 2 month old children, and she told me tales of trying to hold the baby's head up and needing many tries to get the needed shot.

You see, passport photo requirements are very specific, and children are not.  In order for the photo to be accepted you have to be looking straight ahead, your face must be a certain size in the picture, the background needs to be a certain color, you can't be wearing hats or sunglasses or anything weird, and you can't be photographed being forcibly held down by a frustrated parent who is holding your head in place.  This makes it very difficult to get a good photo containing your children.

I was in "checkin' things off mah list" mode the other day, and so we left the house in the morning ready to do several errands that never got done.  In my infinite parental wisdom I decided to do the passport photos first, while the children were still relatively clam and happy.  They could scream and yell at the grocery store all they wanted, but they needed to hold still for the photos and preferably not look like angry terrorist kids, so, first thing in the morning, we drove to the UPS store next to my church.

UPS has a very long list of offered services, and passport photos is not on that list, but that didn't mean anything so we walked in anyway.  The store was empty except for one group at the counter talking to the one service guy, so we patiently waited our turn.  The problem was, the people were trying to mail a snowboard, and they had just brought it in and were trying to figure out how this was going to work.  It was obviously a problem, and by the time they started talking about insurance options with no signs that they had found a packaging solution we had been there for over ten minutes, and all of the good behavior that my kids had brought with them was pretty much used up.  So we left.

I also forgot to mention that it was raining out, and since I didn't want our passport pictures to be of us dripping wet, I frantically tried to hurry the children through the streets while keeping their hoods on and the umbrellas over them.  Unfortunately this made them very angry, and when we reached the FedEx store down the street they were damp and cranky.  Perfect.

Ruby was not so bad, throwing only a mild fit when I tried to put her hair back, but of course she is 5.  The trick was getting the 2 year old to hold still and look straight ahead.  It was no easy task.  Edward was happy enough to stand there and look at the camera, but the FedEx store is a fascinating place full of whirring and dinging.  Every time the poor employee tried to take the picture, Edward would look away at the last second, rendering the shot useless for passports.  Thank goodness for digital photography.

We tried for a long time.  I stood behind the guy making funny faces.  We snapped our fingers.  I held Edward's head in place, letting go only at the last second.  Nothing was working.  The photographer gave up and told me that it wasn't going to happen, but I refused to give up.  Finally, we took one last picture, which didn't even count as a real try because Edward wasn't looking in the right direction.  But miraculously, he looked at the camera at the last second and we got a useable photo.

So with the photos done, we just need to send in the applications and our children will be able to come with us to Canada, Germany, or any other place we might want to visit.  It took a lot longer than I thought it would, and we never got to the grocery store, but it will be totally worth it for the time it will save us if we ever want to drive to Detroit.

Knowledge of Pain

For a long time, we were a little worried about Edward.  He seemed to like to bash his head into things more than he should, and he was always pegging heavy objects at people's faces or bashing family members with his head.  But we had a breakthrough recently, and I can now take comfort in the knowledge that my son is not an inhuman monster who enjoys hurting other people.

Part of the problem, I think, is the fact that Edward had been suffering from a bit of a speech delay.  His inability to communicate was clearly frustrating to him, and sometimes the only way he had to communicate with us was by throwing and/or bashing.  At least that's what the guy from the state said who comes over every Monday to work on his language.  Now, that's all well and good, but how does it directly solve my head smashing problem?

The other day, Ruby and Edward were sitting on the floor playing blocks.  Edward had only just gotten himself a time-out for throwing something at Ruby (although at 2, a time-out consists of taking his toy away and making him sit down not near his sister), and he was back in the mix, being naughty again almost immediately.  He picked up a wooden block, held it aloft, and, despite my strong directions to the contrary, hurled it into her face at point blank range.

I was furious.  I had just told him 4,000 times not to do it, and he had gotten in trouble not ten minutes earlier for the same thing.  I grabbed him and thrust him onto the couch, shouting "No!  That HURT Ruby," over and over again.  He was clearly very upset about it, and was almost in tears himself.  But then something miraculous happened.

Over the next hour or two, Edward got up every ten or fifteen minutes to hug his sister and say sadly, "Ruby...Hurt?"  He kissed her on the forehead where the block had hit her and for the first time seemed to realize that smashing people in the face with wooden objects caused them pain.  A true breakthrough!

Since that day, he has been smashing a lot less and throwing only once in a while, and when he does smash someone he immediately asks if they are hurt and gives them hugs and kisses.  He never knew that he was hurting people before, but now that he has a word for "hurt," it is quite easy to explain to him when something he does is affecting someone else in a negative way.  I am very excited to start this new phase of parenting that does not include being repeatedly hit over the head with heavy toys, and even more excited to discover that I have a very caring and empathetic son.  But I think we all knew that anyway.

How You Know When Your Kids Look Like You

I was walking on a path through a city park the other day when I saw a jogger coming towards me.  We made eye contact and, although she looked somewhat familiar, we kept on going past each other.  Edward was puttering along just behind me, going at a normal two-year-old pace, and as she passed him I suddenly heard my name called out from behind me.

As it turns out, the woman was the mother of one of my friends from high school whom I hadn't seen in over 15 years, and she hadn't recognized me at all.  She did, however, recognize my son.  She said, "I saw your son and he looks exactly like you, so I knew it had to be you."  We chatted for a few minutes and caught up a little before resuming our walks.  How nice to reconnect!  And we almost missed out on it because of how old and weird I look now.  But I suppose there is some consolation.  Even though I may not look the same anymore, at least my son still looks like I used to.

Brave vs. Madagascar 3

Something crazy happened this past week.  Somehow the universe aligned and, for the first time since before I had kids probably, I went to see three different movies.  Not from the Redbox, not on the television, but in an actual movie theater!  I feel so spoiled.  Two of the movies I took my whole family to, and the third was not for the kiddos, so we left them with Nini.  And let me tell you, I was surprised by those family movies.  Both of them actually.  Let's start with:

MADAGASCAR 3
It was extremely hot this past week, and so when we finally could not take it anymore and the temperature in our house hit 88, we decided that we needed to go somewhere cool and the movies fit the bill.  The only family movie that was out was Madagascar 3, and since we didn't completely hate the first one (not sure if we saw the second one), our choice was made for us.

Now, I was not super excited about this movie, and if there hadn't been a heat wave I probably never would have seen it, but I was pleasantly surprised by it.  It was completely ridiculous of course, but in a knowing, winking way.  It was almost as if the movie was saying to me, "Yes, I am aware that everything that is happening here is absurd, and I know that you know that, but the kids love it, so just go with it."  And I have to tell you, I much prefer a movie like that than one that makes no sense but wants you to think that it does.  One of my favorite lines was when someone was explaining one of the more ludicrous circus acts and says "The audience loved it, because it was physically impossible!"  Thanks for acknowledging that, Madagascar 3.

There were enough grown-up jokes to keep the adults happy, and Ruby, who is 5, had a great time.  More importantly Edward, who is 2, also had a great time and actually sat through the entire thing without attacking any other movie-goers or trying to escape through the projection booth.  A good time was had by all, and we got to sit in the air conditioning for almost two hours.

BRAVE
Of course what we really wanted to see was the new Pixar movie, but it wasn't out yet.  Luckily, when it did come out, even though we had people visiting for the weekend, it was agreed that everyone wanted to go see it.  So on Saturday afternoon, after hiking up and down Mt. Philo in the morning, we wandered over to the movie theater to see Brave.

I don't want to give you too many spoilers here, because they have clearly done a great job of not telling you what the movie is actually about in all the previews, but I will say that every one of us in the group left the movie feeling...meh.  We had a guy in his 50's, three of us in our 30's, a teenager, and Ruby and Edward, and when it was all over, all any of us could say was "ummm...it was all right I guess."  Well, Edward could not say that because he cannot talk, but you get the idea.

The worst thing about it for me was that the story was extremely predictable and generic, but that it felt like a Disney movie, not a Pixar movie, and not a good Disney movie either.  It was better than Cars 2, for sure, but it just didn't measure up to what I had come to expect from Pixar.  At all.  And I really really really wanted to love it.  Although I may have been distracted by all of the screaming.

Did I mention that this movie is terrifying?  At least for my 5 year old it was.  She spent almost the entire movie in my lap or my wife's lap looking away from the screen and shrieking.  It was very similar to what happened during the Mother Gothel scenes in Tangled, except this time it lasted for pretty much the whole thing.  Edward was not scared, but he also was not really interested in the movie for most of it.  Once his popcorn was gone he set his attention towards bothering the people around us.  At least he was bonking people quietly.  So as a warning to parents who are expecting a funny movie about Celtic people with some adventure thrown in (which is what we got from the previews), I must inform you that SPOILER ALERT, it is a fairly dark movie that includes spooky forest creatures, a witch, evil spells, a lot of angry bears, a lot of main characters trying to kill other main characters, and a big focus on a broken mother-daughter relationship, and even though it all works out in the end, I would say that tone of the film and the potentially scary elements earn this thing a very hard PG rating.  So it's not for the little kids, which would have been fine if I hadn't seen every cliche and plot point coming a mile away.  *sigh*

SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED
As a closing note, I want to take this time to tell you about a truly excellent film that we went to see last night on a double date with my wife's sister and her husband, my co-BOBIL member, Uncle Tall Dave.  Safety Not Guaranteed is an independent film, which I guess explains why it was only playing in one theater, with only one showing per day, but boy was it a great movie.  A perfect date movie, it easily appeals to all ages and genders with its themes of regret, loss, seizing the moment, and time travel.   Seriously, go see it.

Stereotypes

When you think about it, stereotypes make a lot of sense.  They are kind of like an educated guess, and though they often have negative connotations, they can also be positive.  Don't you kind of assume nerds are smart?  Or that people who live in L.A. are beautiful?  And don't stereotypes help us make quick decisions when we don't have time to get all the facts?  So what's wrong with them?

Well, for one thing, they actually usually are negative.  Stereotypes often take the form of all the worst things about a certain group, applied to the whole group.  It's a defense mechanism, and a shortcut.  It makes a lot of evolutionary sense.  If you know that a sabre-toothed tiger makes a rustle in the bushes, then doesn't it make sense to run from all rustles in the bushes, even if 95% of them are squirrels?  And today, if you see a black guy walking towards you at night, you have no way of knowing if he is trouble, but by assuming that all black people are trouble, you protect yourself from any possible threats.  The problem comes, of course, with the fact that all black people are not threats, and assuming that they are, hurts the ones who aren't.

But is that a big enough problem to worry about?  If making negative assumptions about entire groups of people makes us safer overall, is it worth it?  Many people would trade rights for security; that is very clear these days.  I, however, am not one of them, and in fact it is a very un-American thing to do.  Oh, and by the way, when I say that something is American, I'm not referring to a stereotype of any sort of actual American person, I'm instead referring to an American ideal that we should all be living up to.  Because clearly, amongst the hundreds of millions of us in this country, there are people that do, and do not do, every sort of thing imaginable.

One of the backbones of our legal system is "presumption of innocence," or, as most people would say, "innocent until proven guilty."  Everyone is assumed innocent of all crimes until proof is produced that they are guilty.  Obviously stereotypes play a part in our system of justice, but in an ideal world, this is how it would work.  So why is this not applied to the rest of our lives?

It is better for ten guilty men to go free if it keeps one innocent man out of jail.  Agree?  Disagree?  Maybe this is the crux of why I disagree with many of our current national political trends.  To me, they are the height of fear and un-American ideology.  Laws that require Hispanic citizens to carry documentation?  What you are saying is that you are assuming that Hispanic people are undocumented.  Guilty until proven innocent.  If you want to block people from coming to this country (and if you do, I have no idea why), then make everyone carry documentation.  If we all had Show-Me cards, like they do in Fringe, then the world would be a safer, less-free, more dystopian place to live, and if it's good enough for Hispanics, it's good enough for everyone.  And being angry at poor people because some folks abuse the welfare system?  Maybe you don't know many poor people, but believe me, it is better for ten system abusers to get free milk if it keeps one hard-working family going.  And most people do not abuse the system.  Letting the small percentage that do ruin it for everyone else is just kind of nasty and mean.  Do you want to make poor people take drug tests before they receive government benefits?  Well, guess what.  We all receive government benefits.  Do you want to take a drug test before you drive on the interstate?  Do you want to take a drug test in order to get your tax refund?  How about to qualify for a Pell Grant?

So what I'm saying here is, give people a chance.  Even if most undocumented people are Hispanic, it doesn't mean that most Hispanics are undocumented.  Most black people are not criminals, most church-goers are not whackos, most liberals are not hippies, most conservatives are not sociopaths, and most people are just people, trying to get along in the world as best they can without wanting to hurt anyone else.  Sure, if you trust enough people you will eventually get hurt, but that's life, and I'd rather live it giving people the benefit of the doubt.

To All Of My Fans

Dearest Fans,

Please work harder.  I appreciate the job you are doing, but at this point it is not enough.  I know I shouldn't have to ask so much of you, and again I apologize, but I am dying here.  In a perfect world, this apartment would have central air and I wouldn't need you at all, but sadly this is not the case.

As you know, I can't even use window air conditioning units here because our windows crank open out rather than slide up and down, so I can't offer you any assistance in that regard.  No central air, no air conditioners, no giant block of ice sitting in the kitchen, just you, my loyal and devoted fans.  And I'm not saying your blades are not spinning, but I would like to point out that the temperature in here is currently 82 and it is only 8:30 am.  This does not bode well for the rest of the day.

This morning I did something that I have not done purposely in the last decade.  I took a cold shower.  It was wonderful.  It cooled my body down for at least seven minutes, but now I am hot again and I need you all to blow harder.  To help you out I did install a ceiling fan in the kitchen last night, so hopefully that will improve things.  I wanted to install one in the living room as well, but the round plates that I thought were covering places to install lights and fans turned out to be sprinklers.  I found this out the hard way after I had pried off the plates and am now unable to reattach them.  The things I do for circulating air...

So look, I can see that you are blowing, but I just need more.  I can't stay in this house all day if it is going to be 90 in here, and I have laundry and other cleaning to do.  I know you understand.  So just fan away and know that you have my support.  If it could be 68 in here I'd really appreciate it, although anything under 80 at this point would be great.  Thanks in advance!

Love,
Tenor Dad

When People Don't Get Your Pop Culture References

The other night, after a particularly busy burger night, I was commiserating with a fellow employee about how dirty and tired we were.  I noticed a layer of ash covering my hands and arms, which prompted me to say "They look like good strong hands, don't they?  I always thought that's what they were."  This brought about a lot of concern and reassuring comments from my co-worker, who told me what a great job I did all night, and that my hands were very strong indeed.

I guess she did not know that I was just quoting the rock biter from The Neverending Story.  I suppose I could have explained it, but when you have to explain your references, there is really no point to them.  Sadly, this happens to me all the time.  I spend half my time feeling like Abed (and if you don't get that reference because you don't watch Community then there is no hope for you).

My references have gotten me into a certain amount of trouble in the past, and I have to consider that perhaps the problem lies with me, and not the confused parties.  Maybe I should not be quoting random things to people all the time during normal conversation, but when I think of some odd connection between what we are talking about and some sort of media that I really enjoy, I just want to say it!  And that's not always a good thing.

When I was in first or second grade, and I was heavily diving into my Dad's old comic books, my mother came up one night to put me to bed and asked me if I was okay, because I had seemed a bit upset that day I guess.  I told her "I think maybe I just don't have the capacity to be happy."  Now, this was the last line of a Spider-Man comic I had just read, and Peter Parker was moping as usual because Spider-Man was ruining his life, however my mother did not know that, and she took this comment very seriously.  I was an inch away from spending all of my free time at the psychologist's.

I also remember another time in middle school when I was playing with a fellow comic lover, and I don't remember at all what we were playing, but somehow she came out ahead, or did something that was bad for me, and I (completely jokingly) said "God must really hate me to stick me with a friend like you."  Now, in hindsight, this is never a good thing to say, but to be fair it was something that Wolverine had just said in an X-Men comic that she had just let me borrow.  I thought for sure she would get the reference because it was from her comic, one of her favorites, that she made me read!  Instead she burst into tears and ran out of the room.

So I have learned not to use my quoting powers for any sort of evil.  Put downs and psychologically troubling remarks are rarely seen as clever or funny, even if they are from a book or a movie.  The other thing I have noticed, and let me assure you that this is not meant to be sexist but just an observation, is that most of the people who do not get my references are female.  In fact, I have some guy friends whose whole conversations with each other will sometimes just be quotes from movies and television shows.  I don't know why this is, and since I am only using my own limited experiences and have not conducted a formal study, I cannot conclude that guys quote things and girls do not.  But the guys I know quote things.  And some of the girls I know get confused when half of the things I say are from Ghostbusters.

I guess the trick is to just know your audience, but sometimes that isn't always possible.  So you have to decide, is it worth the risk?  You want to appear knowledgeable and clever, which will happen if people get your references, but you do not want to appear confusing and weird, which is the downside if people do not get your references.  It's up to you.  There is a big payoff in awesomeness, but an even bigger weirdo-risk-factor when you fail.  So I guess, just quote with caution, and may the force be with you!  (I'm pretty sure you all got that one...)

Cake: Live in Concert

For my birthday, which was two months ago, I received concert tickets to go see Cake, which was three nights ago.  When I was young and childless I used to go to concerts all the time, but it's been a while since I've seen any sort of live concert that does not involve arias or Doodlebops.  Needless to say, I was excited.

Now, if you think I haven't been to a concert in a while, it has been an even longer while since I've seen a concert in Vermont.  In fact, the last rock concert I'd seen in the green mountain state, prior to this one, was Phish, back when I was 18 or 19. And I'm sure I don't need to explain to you how long ago that was.  So I was ready for anything, but I did have certain expectations going in.

For one thing, I expected it to be a little smaller than the concerts I have been to in the past, and boy was I right.  It was all lawn seats, so people brought in beach chairs and blankets and set up camp all over the grass, and I probably could have wandered through and said hello to everybody there in the hour we sat there before the show started.  I didn't get an exact count on the number of attendees, but it was not in the ten of thousands.

One thing that did surprise me was the demographic of concertgoers.  Since Cake hit it big initially in 1996 (and, even though they released an album last year, they haven't gotten much radio play lately), I figured that the people in attendance would be people who were teenagers or young adults in 1996.  In other words, my age plus or minus five years.  In fact, the audience was extremely varied.  There were many middle-aged white dudes attempting to shake it, despite being 50.  Some people brought toddlers.

Now, the trick with lawn seating is getting a good spot behind somebody short.  We had very low beach chairs that were barely an inch of the ground, and everyone else seemed to have full on deck chairs that towered over us, but since we would all be standing and dancing for the show, that didn't matter much.  What mattered was getting behind short people.  We found a couple in chairs that appeared to be about the same height, and when the girl stood up she was crazy short.  Win!

But then, disaster!  They both stood up, and he was some sort of giant with a freakishly small torso!  I don't understand how it was possible, but this guy was at least nine feet tall.  Maybe twelve feet tall.  And yet, when he sat down, he was the same height as his four foot tall lady friend!  (Heights slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect)

But not everyone at the concert stood up.  For a while, I was the only one in my area standing.  Oh heck no, I thought to myself, we are not going to be sitting through this concert!  Luckily, by the time everything really got going, most people were on their feet.  Except for the lady behind us who was knitting.  Seriously.  Some lady was sitting in her beach chair knitting throughout the entire concert.  In fact, people were doing all sorts of weird stuff.  I guess maybe going to a concert in Vermont is just different than going to a concert in Baltimore or D.C.  But the one upside: they were handing out free Ben & Jerry's to everyone!

Oh, and the actual show was good too.

5 Things You Should Know About My Wife

1) She Is Not As Tall As She Thinks She Is
If you ever ask my wife how tall someone is, and she tells you that they are the same height as she is, you can be reasonably assured that they are taller than her.  She often thinks that she and I are the same height, or at least close in height, even though I am 5 inches taller.  Apparently this is due to the fact that she was always the tallest kid in school until somewhere around the 6th grade when she stopped growing and everybody else kept going.  All of those years of knowing that she was the tallest have left her with the very amusing condition of still thinking she is the tallest, so when she tries to tell you somebody else's height, just take that into account.

2) The Madder She Gets, The Funnier She Gets
I must warn you up front that this is never a good thing to point out to her while it is happening,

3) She Is Not Aloof, Just A Little Introverted
I have to clear up this misconception for all of you that don't know her very well.  Often times people get confused and think that just because she is not in-your-face outgoing/obnoxious like other people around that she may or may not be married to, that she is not interested in being social.  This is completely not the case, and is possibly not the case with many other people you know that you think are stuck-up because they never talk to you.  Our culture does not reward introverts, and I confess that being in the performing arts I don't work with many of them, but they are cool people too.  It might just take more than one conversation to get to know them.  And actually, my wife is far more likely to talk to a stranger on an airplane, or chat it up with people in the grocery store than I am.  She just does it calmly.

4) She Is Always Right
I don't mean this in the "ha ha, husbands must always submit to their wives because wives are crazy," kind of way.  I mean this in the, "she is actually always right," kind of way.  She reads a lot.  She knows a lot of things.  She has amazing spacial awareness and a keen memory for details.  Don't even try to get into an argument with her.  I can count on my fingers the number of times in the past 16 years that we have both really dug our heels in on something and I have been correct.  In fact, I can remember most of those times.  I have to hold on to them; they're all I have.  Those few times that I have been right will need to be cited in the future in defense of some preposterous thing that I am saying and completely believe to be true, even though my wife is probably right.  "But remember that time I knew which exit to take!  I was right then and I am right now!" I can say proudly, even as I am being proven wrong.

5) Today Is Her Birthday
So if you see her around today, say "Happy Birthday!" to her as loudly as possible.  And if you want to hang out, I would like to invite every single one of my readers to come out to Bread and Butter Farm tonight for burger night and some birthday fun.  And if some of you have other plans, that's cool, but I will still expect a few hundred of you to show up.

Disaster in Diapers

Let me give you some backstory before I dive right into this tale.  The first thing you should probably know is that we have been trying to potty train Edward in an extremely unsuccessful manner, but the important thing to know is that he has been wearing pull-ups instead of diapers.  The only problem is that the pull-ups that we got him are clearly way too small, despite being labeled as "3T," which is his size.  The second thing you should know is that we have been doing a lot of car switching lately.  Usually whoever has to drive more on any given day takes the car that gets better gas mileage, and usually that is the same person.  But over the past week or two that has fluctuated wildly.  Finally, I have to tell you that Ruby's class is quite fond of Edward, and so whenever he shows up they all run over and give him hugs until I pry them off of him and take him outside.  So now, with the stage set, I proudly present to you "Disaster in Diapers, or What Was I Thinking?"

We dropped Ruby off at school on Tuesday without incident.  Edward and I hung out at home and worked on using the potty instead of, say, the carpet, but with no luck.  When it was time to pick Ruby back up, I put Edward's pull-up back on him and loaded him into the car.  And speaking of loads, by the time we got to school, Edward had filled his pull-up with the most horrible poop explosion that I had seen in probably a year.

I thought that we were done with diapers like that.  This was absolutely not normal.  It may have been the fact that he had eaten pretty much nothing but blueberries for the previous 24 hours, but for whatever the reason, his pull-up, that was far to small to contain such an event, had been filled and then breached, with his shorts soiled, and a mess reaching all the way up the back of his shirt.  It was horrible.

Now, remember when I mentioned that we switched cars a lot?  Well, that is suddenly important because, while I had switched the car seats that morning, the diaper bag was still in the other car.  I had pretty much nothing to work with except for some Dunkin' Donuts napkins that were in the glove compartment.  And so, because I had no better ideas, I tried to mop up some of him with the napkins, to disastrous effect.  I think it just made things worse.  I had nowhere near the number of napkins a job like that would require.  And so I just shoved a bunch of napkins down the back of his pants in the hope that it would soak up enough of the mess to get us through the next few minutes, and I took him by the hand and walked into the school.

When we arrived at Ruby's classroom she had not been dismissed yet, so I stood outside the room with a few other parents, waiting for the door to open.  At this time Edward decided to stretch his arms above his head as high as possible, and when I looked over at him I was horrified and embarrassed at the sight that was to be seen as his shirt lifted up over his belly.  I grabbed him and tried to get him to put his arms down so that the other parents would not see that his backside was stuffed full of Dunkin' Donut napkins that were oozing feces.

Finally I had to just pick him up and try to contain the horror with my arms, and I stood there, hoping the smell would not give me away, until the door opened.  It was then that I made the mistake of putting him down.  He immediately ran into the room for hugs, which the children were happy to provide.  They were slapping him on the back and trying to lift him up with their bear hugs.  Horrified, I dashed over and snatched him up, hoping that none (or few) of the children had poop on their hands now.  As I urged Ruby to get ready as quickly as possible, Edward escaped and ran about the room, flapping his arms up and down as hard as possible.

I managed to grab him again and told Ruby to meet me at the car.  We ran outside and I strapped him back into his seat, ready to get him home.  It was a very smelly ride home.  We opened all the windows.  And so, in conclusion, shoving a wad of napkins into your child's diaper is not an effective method for preventing messes, either physical or social.  Thank you.

Closing Ceremonies

Well, that's it.  Ruby is out of pre-school.  And although yesterday was her last day, they held the closing ceremonies two days earlier, on Monday evening.  Why they decided to give everyone their certificates and then have them go to school for two more days I'll never know, but that's how they did it.  Maybe there was nothing good on TV on Monday, but all the teachers were super excited about the Dallas reboot last night?  Who knows?

Regardless of when they were held, the closing ceremonies were very cute.  My mother came; my wife's mother came; my wife's sister and her family came; we were a big crowd.  As we filed into the room for the presentation, it was clear that we were not all going to fit in one row.  As the family videographer, I grabbed a seat on the aisle and got my iPhone ready to record.

Ruby's class marched in and sang several songs for us, demonstrating the progress they had made over the past year in the areas of rhythm, pitch, and general confusion.  Ruby was the loudest one as usual, although she seemed to be very distracted by a band-aid on her finger, so she may not have been at her absolute loudest.  Even more distracted was the boy a few kids down from her who was clearly doing the pee-pee dance like a pro.  His dance got wilder and wilder, the way you might imagine a mad scientist doing the pee-pee dance, until finally the singing finished and his father rushed up and took him to the restroom.

After the singing was over all of the kids got certificates of completion and there was a lot of thanking going around, for the teacher, the founders, the head of the school, the parents, etc.  But then, when that was over, we got to the big surprise announcement!  The head of the school was being promoted to the head of all the schools (there are three of them in the area), and so was leaving at the end of the year, which was now.  But not only that, Ruby's teacher was being promoted to the new head of this school!  I knew we had the best teacher in the school and now we have empirical evidence to prove it!  Boo-yah!  Suck it, other parents who thought they had the best teacher!

When it was all finished, we got another surprise, which was that it was not all finished at all.  We were directed outside for the twice postponed and assumed cancelled MayDay celebration.  Now, MayDay is the first of May, and here we were somewhere in the first half of June, and it was getting a little late.  But I suppose JuneEvening celebration doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

The kids came skipping out of the school singing a MayDay song and danced around a Maypole which had been erected on the lawn near the playground.  They held streamers and decorated the pole as they circled it, until they were instructed to reverse directions and undecorate the pole so that the next class could have a turn once they were done receiving their certificates.

When it was all over we decided to celebrate by going to Friendly's for dinner, but since everyone else had the same idea 3 minutes before we did, we decided to leave and go to Al's French Fry's instead.  All in all, it was a very successful evening.

After it was really all over and we were home in bed, we set our alarm Edward to go off at the normal time, because we still had two more days of school left.  And now even those are done.  Driving to school yesterday morning, Ruby held her class picture in her lap and read each of her classmates' names aloud and then said a few sentences about each of them.  It was very cute and it mad me a little sad.  It also reminded me a lot of the last episode of every season of Survivor when whoever is left has to read the names of everyone they voted out and say something about them before they burn their torches.  Only this was all Ruby's doing and was not prompted by the producers, which made it all the more sweet.

As I picked her up for the last time, she seemed ready to come home, but I wasn't ready to let it all go.  I stalled as long as I could, pretending that I needed to check the classroom one last time to make sure we weren't forgetting anything.  But I knew we weren't.  And finally I had to say goodbye too.  Goodbye to a chapter in Ruby's life, and in mine.  She has grown so much since that first day when none of us knew what to expect when we dropped her off.  I'm sad to see it end, but I will always appreciate how great it was.  And who knows, maybe Edward will go there someday and we can start it all over again...

To Ruby On Her Last Day Of School

Well, this is it.  School is over.  Today is your last day of pre-school.  We made it.  I know, I know.  You made it, but you didn't take this journey alone, and you were not the only one who learned things over the past year.  I learned a lot as well.  I would like to present this to you as my final project and sum up what I have learned from you these past nine months.

School is the best part of every day.  I know this because every night before you go to bed, I ask you what the best part of your day was, and you always say school.  The only day you didn't say school was on your birthday, when we took you out to lunch and the movies.  On that day you said lunch, the movies, and school.

A rain forest has four layers.  They are: forest floor, understory, canopy, and emergent.  I also know all of the hand motions that go with each layer, but as they are rather hard to type, I hope you will trust that I did indeed learn them all from you.

Car trips go faster when you use landmarks.  I know this because every day when we drove to school together you would shout out "Sandwich!  No Parking!  Post Office!" and I would know that we were passing by the sandwich shop, the no parking sign, the post office, and everything else along the way that you used to mark our path.  We were always there before I knew it!  Time flies when you are distracted.

Your Mom is your hero.  Yes, I saw the poster on which everyone had written who their heroes were, and I have to confess that I was a little sad not to be your hero, but don't worry, I got over it quickly.  Besides, if you are looking for heroes and your choices are me or your mother, I would always pick her too.  In fact, I did pick her.  She is my hero too, so we have that in common.

You sing louder than all the other kids.  I know this because I was at your holiday presentation, as well as your closing ceremonies.  Don't worry, you come by it honestly.  There's nothing you can do about it, so you may as well just enjoy it.

If you forget to bring something in that starts with the letter of the week, you can always just use a body part.  This was a big relief to me, because we did forget to bring in our letter item a few times, but you were never upset about it.  When it was "E" week and we didn't bring in anything that started with the letter "E" and I got all freaked out, you told me not to worry, because you had your elbow with you.  You are very resourceful and full of grace under pressure.  And it all worked out anyway when Edward decided to climb up onto the table where the "E" things were and got himself put on the list.

You should keep in touch with people.  I have always been terrible at staying in touch with people that are far away, even with the internet around and everything, but when you decided to make a Valentine for your classmate who had moved to Japan in the new year, it showed me how important it is to keep relationships going.  I know it made a big difference to him, judging from the card we got back, and even though I am still bad at keeping in touch, it made a difference to me too.

Pluto is absolutely not a planet.  Why was there even a discussion? Since before you were born Pluto has been less than a planet, putting its planethood in the realm of other ancient scientific facts such as "the world is flat" and "there is a man in the sky throwing lightning."

Transitions are hard.  I know that this is true for almost everyone, and I can see that you are having a hard time dealing with the end of school.  None of your friends will be in your kindergarten next year, and it's difficult to say goodbye to them.  Your routine and your daily structure will be completely upended and you will be stuck back home with Edward and me all summer.  I want you to know that I understand how you feel, and I am going to do my best to make this summer the best one you have ever had.  Before you know it you will be off to kindergarten with a whole new group of kids and we can start this whole crazy thing all over.  But for now, I just want to say thank you for teaching me so much this year, and I hope we continue to learn from each other for a long, long time.  Good luck on your last day!  I love you lots!  See you at lunch time!

Poems At Children

There are many wonderful books of poetry out there for children, but these poems all seem to have the same problem of validating their atrocious behavior and/or teaching them a life lesson in a gruesome manner.  None of these poems seem to be telling the children what we actually want to tell them.  And then I realized that all of these poems are for children, when they should actually be at them.  Here, without further ado, I present to you a short sampling of new poems at children that I hope will be slightly more realistic.

Our bathroom door now has a lock
I know this must come as a shock.
For now you'll no longer
(don't care if you're stronger)
Barge in without having to knock


Be quiet.
Stop doing that.
Come over here.
Calm down.
Take that paper clip out of your ear.
Stand up.
I'm not kidding.
Sit down.
Eat your food.
Don't take off your diaper in church.
That's just rude.
Stop crying.
Stop whining.
Don't throw that.
That's mine.
Don't eat that.
Don't break that.
Don't...
*sigh*
Okay, fine.


I'm sorry, I can't do it.  I can't take it anymore.
There must be something here that we have never seen before.
I've put up with this each night for what feels like a year,
And now I'm hoping that our copy might just disappear.
We can both recite each line; we know it all by heart.
Do you even like this movie?  What's your favorite part?
I'll admit it wasn't bad the first two or three times,
But turn it off this instant or I'm going to lose my mind!


I see you standing there
With your arms in the air
Clutching a heavy toy.
Don't be a naughty boy.
I know you're thinking it
But no one should get hit.
Wipe that look from your eyes.
Drop it and no one cries.
You think you're sneaky, but
Trust me, you're really not.


I'm sorry, were you whining?  I can't hear it anymore.
I've got a brand new hearing aid, and this is what it's for:
According to my doctor of audiology
It finds the whining in the air and blocks the frequency.
So I will listen if there's stuff you want to talk about,
But if you start to whine
I will just slowly
tune you
out.

Frankencat

While I was in New York, our family moved to a new house.  At some point during this transition, our cat JJ got some sort of sores on his face, most likely from fighting some other animal, and so we were a little worried about him.  He had scratched all of the fur off of the left side of his face and there were clearly some big wounds there.

Luckily (or so we thought) they healed up pretty quickly over the next week or two and his fur started growing back and we forgot about it, more or less.  Then, last week, my wife told me that she had noticed some fluid building up in his face where the sores had been.  I checked him out, and sure enough his face was all swollen with what appeared to be a lot of fluid under there.  We figured it was time to find a new vet in our new town.

But I didn't get around to it that day, or the next day...or the next day.  He seemed fine except for the swelling, and I was busy unpacking and dealing with the rest of life.  But then on Thursday I noticed a horrible trail of blood leading all over my house.  The swelling had burst open and his face was leaking everywhere.  He looked kind of like a zombie cat, and he was definitely not feeling well.  Time to find a vet, stat.

I flew to google maps and quickly called the closest vet to my house, and they were able to see him right away.  I knew he was super sick because he did not claw my face off when I put him into his cat carrier.  He did meow sadly at me though.  When we got there I learned something new about cats, which I will now pass on to you.  Cats' skin heals ridiculously quickly, and so when they get a cut, often times it will heal up with bacteria in there, which is what happened to us.  We thought it was great that he had healed up right away, but in fact it was not great.

Long story short, he's fine.  He had a very high temperature and was pretty sick, but they drained his face, stuck a tube in there, put the cone of shame around his neck, pumped him up with painkillers and antibiotics, and sent him home.  So now I have a cat with a tube sticking out of his face that is constantly draining disgusting cattily fluids everywhere and he has to keep the cone on, so he is also very angry.  Frankencat.

Luckily he gets his tube out today and hopefully everything can go back to normal.  We assume it was some sort of outside creature that got him and not our other cat, so now that they are indoor cats again he should be safe from this sort of thing.  At least he'd better hope so.  I can't afford another vet trip like that; it's way too expensive!

I Think We're the Weird Family

For a lot of my life I didn't even bother trying to fit in.  I was clearly weird and I kind of liked that about myself.  As I grew up, I learned, at least partially, to adjust my weirdness levels to fit whatever group I was in, so that even if people thought of me as the strange one, it at least seemed to be in a mostly affectionate way.

Now that I have a family I fear that my weirdness has spilled over and been passed down to future generations, as evidenced by crazy hat day at school today.  Oh wait, is it crazy hat day today?  Now that I am re-reading all of the materials that we were sent, it appears to be "hat day."  Huh.  I wonder, at what point did my brain decide to insert crazy into the equation?  I'm guessing fairly instantly.

So it is [crazy]hat day at school today, as well as class color day, which is when each class is assigned a color and everybody wears that color to school.  Ruby's class color is red, which is good, because even her name is wearing red, and I decided that the whole family should wear red to show some class spirit.  Apparently this is not normal.

So we arrive at school this morning looking as follows: Edward is wearing bright red track pants, a red t-shirt, and totally by coincidence is holding a red train and a red firetruck.  I am wearing my red Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark t-shirt (which can be seen in this video) and maroon workout shorts that completely do not match the shirt.  Ruby is wearing a red plaid dress with red shorts on underneath and on top of her head is a huge green cone-shaped party hat with white polka dots that is also trimmed with white feathers around the bottom and sticking out the top as well.  In this manner, we all entered her classroom.

Some of the other kids were wearing hats, but baseball hats.  Or maybe, at their craziest, floppy fishing hats.  Almost everyone was wearing something with red on it, but I don't think anyone else came close to the amount of redness that we walked through that door.  If there was an award for class spirit/insanity, our family definitely would have won it.

Which brings me back to my main point.  I think we're the weird family.  We don't seem to do things quite like the other families.  We try really hard to be normal, but somehow we just get it a little wrong.  I'm not sure if we know what normal is.  I didn't really think there was a normal, but all the other families seem to be it.  Oh well.  Luckily my kids don't seem to care.  Yet.

Extradimensional Doorbell Communications

What I am about to tell you is true.  It is important for you to understand this so that you will be able to more fully grasp the implications of what you are about to read.  There are several witnesses to this event as well, so I am not crazy.  Not fully anyway.

Last night, as I was sitting in my living room with my family, chatting with my mother-in-law who was visiting, out of nowhere we heard a strange noise.  It was a beeping, not like a microwave or an alarm clock, but more like a warning.  A man's voice crackled out some sort of message, and I thought I heard it tell me to go to the kitchen, and then it was gone.  Because we had all been talking, none of us had heard exactly what had been said, so we got quiet and waited to hear if it would happen again.

A few moments later the beeping returned, and this time we could clearly tell that it was coming from a white box on our wall that no one in the house had ever noticed before.  There were no knobs or dials, or even any sort of display on it, and it sat on the wall a few inches down from the ceiling, about the size of a brick.  I tried speaking to the box, and asked it to repeat the message, but I got no response.  Ruby shouted at it as well, but it didn't listen to her either.

A third time it made its beeping, but the voice never returned.  At this point I went out into the courtyard to see if anyone else in our development had heard the same thing, and if there was some sort of protocol that I didn't know about.  When I asked the guy out there about it (who is on the maintenance team and ought to know about such things), he laughed and asked me if I was joking.  He told me that no one else had such a box in their units and no, he hadn't heard any weird voices coming out of the walls, and there were not any bizarre emergency drills that I didn't know about.

I decided to take a look inside the white box, and so I carefully removed the protective cover, exposing some wires and computery looking things, but since I have no idea about that sort of thing, I just put the cover back on and wondered what I thought I was going to gain from that.  That was when someone had the idea that it might be the doorbell.

I ran downstairs and rang the doorbell, and yes, the doorbell sound was coming out of that white box.  Okay, well that solves the mystery of what the box is and what it is doing in our living room, but it doesn't explain why somebody was talking to us through the doorbell, and what all that weird beeping was.  It had not been a doorbelly sort of beep.

Hours passed and the doorbell remained silent, and at this point I don't think it's going to happen again, although you never know.  If it happened once, it could happen again.  But what is it?  Is our doorbell picking up some sort of radio waves, like a police scanner or something?  If that's true, why didn't anybody else's doorbell pick it up?  No, the most likely answer is that someone from another dimension is trying to contact me.  I just wish I had heard the full message during that first transmission.  So, to any extradimensional beings that are trying to get in touch with me and who also read my blog, please try your transmission again, preferably after 8pm when the children are asleep and the house is quieter.  And if it is just some random person from this dimension, well then cut it out.  That beeping is really annoying.

Age Appropriate

Kids will be kids, and it is our job as parents to let them know that some of the things that they are doing would not be acceptable once they reach adulthood.  I am not trying to quash their childlike spirits, but rather am enjoying the things they do now that I will someday have to put a stop to.  Here is a list of things my kids did yesterday that, when you imagine a grown-up doing them, would be inappropriate.

1) Urinated on the living room carpet, and when confronted about it only pointed at the wet spot and said "water" over and over again.  Nice try, buddy.

2) Greeted me by punching me in the face.

3) Attempted to climb into the car through the driver's open window.  Now, I know what you are thinking, but the car we are talking about was a Honda Civic and not the General Lee, so it would not be appropriate for grown people to be jumping through its windows.

4) Chased a squirrel.

5) Greeted me by, after getting a running start, kneeing me in the jimmies.

6) Stood on a chair at the dinner table, naked from the waist down, and ate a taco with a fork.

On the other hand, my children also did some things that I would have placed on the adult activities list.  For instance:

1) Complained that they didn't get any sleep due to loud music from a neighbor(ing brother).

2) Spent two hours scrubbing glue off of the floor (without being asked!).

3) Yelled at their boss (I am the boss, right?).

4) Drank too much and felt sick (Kool-Aid will do that to you).

5) Refused dessert.

6) Spent too much time looking at pictures on Facebook.

But really, we all have little kids inside of us that pop out when we least expect it, and kids all try their hardest to be adults, way before we think that they should.  So grown-ups, encourage kids to try new things, and don't be afraid to do kid stuff yourself sometimes.  If you want to eat dinner standing on a chair naked from the waist down, go right ahead!  Just maybe don't pee on the carpet.

Superpowers

For some reason the question "If you could have any superpower, what would it be?" seems to come up a lot in life.  At least in my life, anyway.  Job interviews, friendly conversations, internet boards, and psych evaluations all seem to think that the answer to this question will reveal something significant about your deeper soul.  But actually, it is a trick question.  The obvious answer is "omnipotence."  Why pick "flight" when you could pick "flight and everything else?"  If I could just have the power to do whatever I want whenever I want, problem solved, right?

Of course the other trick part of this question is that nobody should ever be given superpowers that wants them.  Much in the same way that no one who actually wants to be the president should ever, in any circumstance, ever actually become the president, simply wanting a superpower is proof that you shouldn't have it.  There are two types of superheroes out there: those that got their powers by accident and are constantly cursed by them (Spider-Man, The Flash, any of the X-Men), and those who worked really hard to get their powers, and subsequently are jerks (Batman, The Punisher, anyone working for Rupert Murdoch).  I'm not saying that Batman doesn't do some good out there, but as a general rule, if you desire more power than your fellow man, it's probably not good news for your fellow man.

So putting aside the fact that if you actually had superpowers you would only try to use them for sex and/or money, let's take a look at why you need more than one power to actually do anything cool anyway.


Flight
Honestly, what good is flight going to do you?  The Air Force would immediately shoot you down, and you would constantly be in the way of airplanes.  Are you assuming that flight comes with super speed to avoid incoming aircraft, or super strength to possibly fend off the U.S. military?  And do you have super-no-need-of-air for flying up super high?  No, if you actually just had flight, the best you could ever do would be to hover around your neighborhood, and maybe get things out of trees easily.  And you could probably get on Letterman.

Speed
Unless super speed comes with super durability, you are probably not going to want to run that fast, because you are going to crash into things a lot, especially at first.  Society does not build things for super fast people.  You know when you look at really old buildings and the door frames and ceilings are all lower because people were shorter back then?  Well, if everyone was fast, we would make hallways longer, corners less sharp, and the designs would reflect our new speed.  But everyone is not fast.  Getting around would be like being a 6'5" person trying to get around a few centuries ago.  They wouldn't fit in anything, and you would be crashing a lot.  The only place you could really cut loose would be the highway, and maybe some wide open wilderness, so unless you want a lot of speeding tickets for running, or want to move to a savannah, speed might not be so great.  And as an added bonus, you would be super annoyed at everyone else going slow all the time.

Invisibility
What reason is there for this power other than sneaking into bank vaults and opposite sex locker rooms?  No, the only reason for this power is if you are a criminal.  Even the Invisible Woman has other powers to offset the creepiness of this power.  She can also make force fields, which is useful if you want this power for hiding purposes.  Because really, if you are trying to hide, or move around stealthily, people are going to bump into you a lot.  You would need some sort of force field if you really wanted to stay hidden.  So in short, there is no reason any decent person would ever choose this power.  If someone gives this as their answer, assume that they either want to see you naked or steal your stuff.  Then break eye contact and back away slowly.

Strength
Okay, there are a few uses for super strength by itself.  Fighting people, for instance, or jobs that require heavy lifting, like construction worker or carney.  You could also be a professional athlete, although with all the hubbub about performance enhancing drugs, I don't know if they would allow super powers.  And you know that old phrase "you don't know your own strength?"  Well, I'm just saying that I hope you don't have anything expensive sitting around your house, because you are probably going to break it.

Intelligence
Seriously?  Come on.  How many times a day are you fed up with how stupid other people are?  Now imagine that you are superhumanly intelligent, and even the smartest person seems like an idiot compared to you.  Life would be unlivable.

Mind Control
See: Invisibility

The only possible answer is to have all of the superpowers at once, Superman style, but even more powerful.  Imagine Superman with the additional powers of the Molecule Man, that villain who can control molecules, and so can basically do anything.  You could cure cancer.  You could solve world hunger.  You could stop wars mid-battle.  But the thing is, you can't want it.  If you want it, you will abuse it.  It has to come to you suddenly and without warning, and you have to realize that you were given a gift, and you have to use that gift to help others and not yourself.  I know, it sounds a little socialist, but that's the deal.

So if anyone ever asks you what superpower you would pick, you have two choices.  You can say omnipotence, or you can say "I don't really want one, but if somehow I was given any sort of superhuman ability I hope I would use it for the greater good."  Or you could say "the power to eliminate any smell."  That, my friend, would be a useful power.

Veggie Burgers

I do not understand the concept of veggie burgers.  Why?  Why do they exist?  There is no reason!  Veggie burgers are like faux fur coats.  They are like saying "I am against wearing the hides of dead animals, but I want you to think that I am totally for it!"

Now, I am spending the summer grilling for an awesome weekly farm event, and we sell a fair number of veggie burgers (and I am not trying to cut down on this business), as do many places around town.  Veggie burgers are popular-ish.  But someone asked me recently how they tasted, and all I could say was, "Sorry, I eat meat."  Because if you eat meat, why on Earth would you eat a veggie burger?

The veggie burgers are made of black beans, and I happen to love black beans, but hey, if I want some black beans I will eat a bowl of black beans, or I will add them to some food that they will enhance.  And if I want a burger I eat a burger.  You know what would be good?  Black beans on a burger!  That sounds amazing!  But a burger made of black beans without the meat?  Why!?

"Hey everybody, I am a vegetarian and I do not want meat to enter my digestive system, however I do  want it to look like I am eating meat, and I want to feel like I am eating meat, and I sometimes want it to taste like I am eating meat, I just don't want to eat the meat!"  Just eat the meat if you want it that bad!  And if you don't want the meat, have a bowl of beans, because they are delicious.

I don't want to single out veggie burgers here, because I have the same problem with turkey burgers.  I know they are "better" for you, but if you want to eat something that is better for you, don't eat a burger!  Those ground up turkey things should be for people who have no other choice.  Nobody says "I have no dietary restrictions, but I will choose the dairy-free ice cream because it tastes better."  You choose the gluten-free pizza crust because you cannot eat gluten, not because it is in anyway superior to the normal crust.  And I am glad that these things exist, because people who wouldn't otherwise get to have these foods at least get to approximate the experience, but they are limited imitations of the real foods!

So in that spirit, I suppose that if you cannot, for health reasons, eat a cheeseburger and cheeseburgers are your favorite food, it would be okay with me for you to eat a veggie burger.  But I get the feeling that most of the veggie burgers sold these days are not for allergenic reasons.  Look, I have no problem with vegetarians and vegans (well, not all of them anyway), but if you want to give up meat, give up meat.  Stop pretending that you can eat burgers.  You made a choice.  Stand up proud and say "I will not even pretend to eat meat!"  Because even simulating the meat-eating process shows your support for a corrupt industry with inhumane animal treatment practices.  So take a stand, and remember: veggie burgers are the coward's way out.

When Sentimental Parents Have Unsentimental Children

I try not to get too sentimental about things, but I can't help it!  I think I am finally becoming able to rid myself of most of my childhood, in the form of toys, papers, stuffed animals, etc., and I can pick out only the most important things to save.  But when it comes to my kids, I get misty-eyed just looking at that old onesie that someone wore every other day for months, or that favorite toy that no longer gets played with.

I blame the Toy Story movies for some of this, but when we were getting ready to move we had to get rid of a lot of stuff and this was very hard for me.  For Ruby, not so much.  She was quite happy to part with half (or more) of her stuff.  Except I kept getting in the way.  "Not this one!" I would cry out as she would toss her first Christmas present ever into the give away pile.  "Do you know how many happy meals I had to buy you so that we could collect all of those beanie babies!?" I would moan as they all went into the Goodwill box.  I must confess, I moved several things back into the keep pile when she wasn't looking.

Now she is getting into some new shows on TV, like "Jake and the Neverland Pirates" and "Sid the Science Kid."  But what is wrong with the old shows?!  Doesn't she remember when we used to watch Doodlebops together?  Mickey Mouse was on her birthday cake!  Why can't we watch Mickey Mouse!?  But she has moved on, and I am not ready for it.

I think that part of it is that I was always an outsider in that world.  I could appreciate "Little Einsteins" for what it was to me, which was a good kids show, but she was actually into it and learning from it.  And now she is going into kindergarten and doesn't need to learn her colors and numbers anymore.  She has outgrown her old shows, but I never will, because I was too old for them the whole time.

I realize that this is just a terrible preview of what is to come, and someday, sooner than I will want, she will outgrow me as well.  Or at least outgrow our current relationship.  She needs me to hold her hand now, but someday she won't.  But since I never needed it in the first place (I just enjoyed it), I will never outgrow it.  So I suppose I will have to just enjoy the time now as it happens, learn to love the new aspects of our relationship as they develop, and pray that she is more sentimental with me than she was with her beanie babies.