So that's it. 2011 is pretty much over. The next time I write and post something, it will be in 2012. END OF DAYS! Or not. I guess we'll see. But whether we all explode in a Mayan fireball, or just slowly kill our own selves off by drilling pipelines and shopping at Wal*Mart, the passing away of one year and the beginning of another is a good opportunity for reflection.
A lot of things have happened this year, some good and some bad, and as luck would have it, I have chronicled them all right here in the pages of Tenor Dad. This is good news for me because it means that I don't have to actually try to remember anything; I can just flip through old posts to recall major life events, such as:
I Started Singing in Florida
My first blog posting of 2011 detailed my plane ride to Florida for my first of what would be three shows with St. Petersburg Opera during 2011.
We Moved (again)
After moving to Vermont in 2010, we finally stopped burdening my sister-in-law and found a place of our own in February.
I Found a Job
I thought that I was looking for an impossible job, but somehow I found one. Now I just need another one or two more, and I'll be set.
My Car Hit 200,000 Miles
Let's hope that 2012 includes a new car.
Family Road Trip
For some reason, I thought that it was a good idea to drive from Florida to Vermont with a car full of my family. And actually, it was a good idea.
I Fell Off the Stage
Had a great time singing in La Rondine with the Opera Company of Middlebury. Oh yeah, and I fell off the stage.
Cookies
Ruby started her own internet cooking show. The world will never be the same.
The Ocean Ate My Phone
Yeah, so that sucked.
Ruby's Epilepsy
Between Edward's ear infections and subsequent surgery, and Ruby's epilepsy diagnosis, we saw a lot of doctors this year. Thankfully things are (mostly) under control, and we're looking forward to a healthy 2012!
Hurricane Irene
We had a super fun time evacuating our house this year. We all enjoyed it, but I'm not sure if we would do it again. Maybe it can be an every-other-year type of thing.
Ruby Started School
We just got Ruby's report card (well, I mean whatever passes for a report card in pre-school) and she's doing great! To paraphrase: Ruby is the best child on Earth and she will someday rule us all, but benevolently and because we want her to. At least that's how I read it.
I'm Giving Up Coke!
This may not seem like a major life event to some of you, but believe me, it has had more effect on me than the hurricane.
I Started a New Line of Educational Videos
Well, not really. But I did make a lot of fun videos in 2011, and this is just the most recent.
So a lot happened. The Met hired me. Ruby started a Tumblr account. I was on TV. Way more stuff than I can fit on this page. But luckily for you, it's all saved right here for you, and for those of you who are stalking me, there could not be a better resource.
Happy New Year everybody! I hope that 2011 was a good year for you, but even if it wasn't, we all get to start over this weekend. So take the time to think about what you want your life to be like, and then just do it. Go for it. Before the planet is destroyed by a Mayan fireball.
Search Tenor Dad
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Bouncing Off A Truck
Yesterday morning I checked the weather forecast and was told that there was a chance of some snow flurries and probably a lot of wind. At noon, they had issued a wind warning and said that maybe we would get an inch of snow. By the time I left for work it was snowing pretty consistently and they were telling people to stay off of the roads.
They closed the interstate by my house due to icing and several major accidents, and as the weather worsened (and more severe warnings were issued), I sat at the customer-free pizza place, wondering why I was there. It was suggested that we close early, but every time it seemed like that might happen, a lonely customer would straggle in and order a cup of soup, so the boss kept us open.
Finally, when the weather reports were predicting snowfall of up to an inch an hour and gusting wind chills of 25 below, and the store was completely cleaned, mopped, and ready to be locked up, we closed up early and I started the long, treacherous drive home.
I should explain up front that my car does not belong in weather of any kind. It is a soft top convertible that leaks severely at even the softest rain, and the tires resemble Patrick Stewart in their baldness. The previous owner told us when he sold it to us that he never took it out in winter, but rather kept it in a garage covered up, because even in the best conditions, with new tires and recent tune-ups, this car was no good in the winter. All of this weighed heavily on my mind as I drove off into the night.
The first half of the drive was scary, but manageable. I drove about 25-30 mph through the 40-50 mph zones, and though I slipped and slid a little, I am a good enough winter driver to ride the skids and control the vehicle, even in less than favorable conditions. When I finally reached the state highway that I live on, I was fairly confident that I would survive the rest of the journey.
That all changed when I pulled onto Route 2. I had about 4 miles to go before my house, and there were several obstacles to overcome on the way. The first problem was that the interstate had been closed, and so all of the traffic was rerouted onto this road, and all of it coming right at me. A solid line of huge trucks, little cars, SUVs, and everything else in between were shining their lights in my eyes and taking up more than their fair share of the road.
The second problem was that, perhaps because of all the oncoming traffic, their lane was mostly free of snow, but my lane was covered with inches of snow, slush and ice, and since nobody was driving my way but me, it was all I could do to drive in a straight line at about 10 mph.
I chugged along slowly, trying very hard not to crash into anybody, and I was doing okay until I was about a mile and a half from my house. That was when I got to the hill. The big hill. The one that is scary even on a bright summer day, because it is super curvy, super steep, and cars whip around it going 60 and you can't see them coming. Nobody was going 60 last night, but it didn't matter.
I tried to brake as I crested the top of the hill, but to no avail. I was only going 10-15 mph, but I quickly realized that I had no control of the car as I accelerated to 20-25, despite pumping the brakes as frantically as I could. The car started careening back and forth as the steering wheel stopped serving any sort of purpose, and of course, as luck would have it, there was another huge column of cars heading my way in the other lane.
When I first slammed into the guard rail I heard a huge noise and I was sure that my tire had blown, and I bounced over into the oncoming traffic lane, miraculously just as there was a small break in the traffic, and right when I thought I might get hit by something, the car swerved back into my lane, and back into the guardrail. Going faster, I bounced a bit harder this time, off of the guard rail and back toward the oncoming traffic. This time there was a big truck in the other lane, which I hit.
I bounced into the truck, and the bounce threw me back into my lane, and somehow I was going straight again. I couldn't stop, so I kept going, and the snow from my roof had shaken down and obscured my rear windshield, so I don't know if the truck stopped either, but I suspect it couldn't have stopped any more than I could have, even if it had wanted to.
Once I reached the bottom of the hill, there was the problem of getting up the next hill, and it was then that I was sure that my car was not going to survive. I got about a third of the way up the steep incline when the car started to really slow down, and by the time I was 80% of the way up, the car was not moving, but just spitting snow out of the spinning tires.
I was afraid that if I stopped and got out that the car would slide back down the hill again, so I just started pumping the gas pedal in spurts, and eventually I made it up the hill, an inch at a time. I wasn't sure if the problem was my tire, or just general automotive destruction, but once I got to the top of the hill, the car seemed to be going forward, and being a mile from home in a snowstorm with wind chills of 25 below, I was going to ride that sucker as far as it would take me.
I made it home with no problem after that, and when I got out to examine the car, I found no damage whatsoever. The tire seems fine, and there is not a scratch to be found. So......that was weird.
They closed the interstate by my house due to icing and several major accidents, and as the weather worsened (and more severe warnings were issued), I sat at the customer-free pizza place, wondering why I was there. It was suggested that we close early, but every time it seemed like that might happen, a lonely customer would straggle in and order a cup of soup, so the boss kept us open.
Finally, when the weather reports were predicting snowfall of up to an inch an hour and gusting wind chills of 25 below, and the store was completely cleaned, mopped, and ready to be locked up, we closed up early and I started the long, treacherous drive home.
I should explain up front that my car does not belong in weather of any kind. It is a soft top convertible that leaks severely at even the softest rain, and the tires resemble Patrick Stewart in their baldness. The previous owner told us when he sold it to us that he never took it out in winter, but rather kept it in a garage covered up, because even in the best conditions, with new tires and recent tune-ups, this car was no good in the winter. All of this weighed heavily on my mind as I drove off into the night.
The first half of the drive was scary, but manageable. I drove about 25-30 mph through the 40-50 mph zones, and though I slipped and slid a little, I am a good enough winter driver to ride the skids and control the vehicle, even in less than favorable conditions. When I finally reached the state highway that I live on, I was fairly confident that I would survive the rest of the journey.
That all changed when I pulled onto Route 2. I had about 4 miles to go before my house, and there were several obstacles to overcome on the way. The first problem was that the interstate had been closed, and so all of the traffic was rerouted onto this road, and all of it coming right at me. A solid line of huge trucks, little cars, SUVs, and everything else in between were shining their lights in my eyes and taking up more than their fair share of the road.
The second problem was that, perhaps because of all the oncoming traffic, their lane was mostly free of snow, but my lane was covered with inches of snow, slush and ice, and since nobody was driving my way but me, it was all I could do to drive in a straight line at about 10 mph.
I chugged along slowly, trying very hard not to crash into anybody, and I was doing okay until I was about a mile and a half from my house. That was when I got to the hill. The big hill. The one that is scary even on a bright summer day, because it is super curvy, super steep, and cars whip around it going 60 and you can't see them coming. Nobody was going 60 last night, but it didn't matter.
I tried to brake as I crested the top of the hill, but to no avail. I was only going 10-15 mph, but I quickly realized that I had no control of the car as I accelerated to 20-25, despite pumping the brakes as frantically as I could. The car started careening back and forth as the steering wheel stopped serving any sort of purpose, and of course, as luck would have it, there was another huge column of cars heading my way in the other lane.
When I first slammed into the guard rail I heard a huge noise and I was sure that my tire had blown, and I bounced over into the oncoming traffic lane, miraculously just as there was a small break in the traffic, and right when I thought I might get hit by something, the car swerved back into my lane, and back into the guardrail. Going faster, I bounced a bit harder this time, off of the guard rail and back toward the oncoming traffic. This time there was a big truck in the other lane, which I hit.
I bounced into the truck, and the bounce threw me back into my lane, and somehow I was going straight again. I couldn't stop, so I kept going, and the snow from my roof had shaken down and obscured my rear windshield, so I don't know if the truck stopped either, but I suspect it couldn't have stopped any more than I could have, even if it had wanted to.
Once I reached the bottom of the hill, there was the problem of getting up the next hill, and it was then that I was sure that my car was not going to survive. I got about a third of the way up the steep incline when the car started to really slow down, and by the time I was 80% of the way up, the car was not moving, but just spitting snow out of the spinning tires.
I was afraid that if I stopped and got out that the car would slide back down the hill again, so I just started pumping the gas pedal in spurts, and eventually I made it up the hill, an inch at a time. I wasn't sure if the problem was my tire, or just general automotive destruction, but once I got to the top of the hill, the car seemed to be going forward, and being a mile from home in a snowstorm with wind chills of 25 below, I was going to ride that sucker as far as it would take me.
I made it home with no problem after that, and when I got out to examine the car, I found no damage whatsoever. The tire seems fine, and there is not a scratch to be found. So......that was weird.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The Best iPhone Apps for Kids
The iPhone is, to modern day parents, what I'm sure the pacifier was to parents of the early 1900's. A life saving (or at least sanity saving) device that will keep your children quiet on long car (or horse & carriage) trips, as well as a welcome distraction for those times when you need them to be quiet for more than five minutes.
I have scoured the internet to find out what people think are the top apps for kids, and I will also tell you what works for our family, so you too can pacify your child through the wonders of modern technology.
Travel Savvy Mom has a good list, but I notice that all of her selections cost money. That's fine for some people I suppose, but at our house we prefer the free apps. I might check out that geocaching app though, since my wife and I do enjoy it. If you haven't tried geocaching, I highly recommend it as a fun and healthy activity, but that's a blog for another day.
Babble.com has a long list of 50 apps, helpfully divided into category, and this list gains authority by placing at number one, the obviously best app of all time, Angry Birds. Kids love Angry Birds as much as adults love Angry Birds, and it is just as addictive for them as well, so you can spend many long hours in the car with happy, silent children using just this app alone. Tenor Dad gives two thumbs way up to Angry Birds.
Parenting.com has their picks, which conspicuously include their own apps near the top of the list, but they do have some great ideas on there. Ruby loves Pocket Frogs for instance, which is an app that lets you breed frogs and then make them hop around the pond, or race other frogs. However, I must warn you, do not let them get the Woooo! Button on a long car trip!
WorkItMom has her list, and MommyBits has hers. PBS even has advice on how to choose apps for your children. My only rule is that I never let the kids use an app that I have not fully tested first. And so now, without further ado, I present to you:
Ruby's Favorite iPhone Apps
1) Angry Birds - Obviously
2) The Monster At The End of This Book - Starbucks was offering this one for free, so I grabbed it. It's just an interactive version of the Sesame Street book that she already loved, and she never gets tired of reading it again on the phone.
3) LetsTans Deluxe - Tangrams for the iPhone. Simple as that, and fun for hours!
4) Songify - Yes, those Schmoyoho guys have an app that turns what you say into an autotuned masterpiece, and it's free! We love this one.
5) Tap Tap Muppets - I think we mostly like this one because of the Muppet songs. We are not very good at the actual game.
6) Pocket Frogs - Cute frogs hopping around. 'Nuff said.
7) Fog Window - Drawing on a virtual foggy window. Almost as much fun as drawing on an actual foggy window.
8) SpawnGlow - Basically just shiny lights flitting about the screen that you can control.
9) String Augmented Reality Showcase - This takes a little more work, but is pretty amazing. You print out on pieces of paper some images from their website, and then when you point your phone at those images, 3D stuff starts to happen. Our favorite is the dragon, which flys around your house. You can take pictures of it too. It's free and it looks like this:
10) Virtuoso Piano - Or any musical instrument. Kids love to make music, so any sort of piano, flute, etc. is super fun.
I'm sure there are tons of other great apps out there that kids would like, so feel free to share your favorites. We always love new ideas! Oh, and if you have a Droid or something, then you can just read the list and be sad that you do not have an iPhone. And then probably go download them all on the Droid anyway.
I have scoured the internet to find out what people think are the top apps for kids, and I will also tell you what works for our family, so you too can pacify your child through the wonders of modern technology.
Travel Savvy Mom has a good list, but I notice that all of her selections cost money. That's fine for some people I suppose, but at our house we prefer the free apps. I might check out that geocaching app though, since my wife and I do enjoy it. If you haven't tried geocaching, I highly recommend it as a fun and healthy activity, but that's a blog for another day.
Babble.com has a long list of 50 apps, helpfully divided into category, and this list gains authority by placing at number one, the obviously best app of all time, Angry Birds. Kids love Angry Birds as much as adults love Angry Birds, and it is just as addictive for them as well, so you can spend many long hours in the car with happy, silent children using just this app alone. Tenor Dad gives two thumbs way up to Angry Birds.
Parenting.com has their picks, which conspicuously include their own apps near the top of the list, but they do have some great ideas on there. Ruby loves Pocket Frogs for instance, which is an app that lets you breed frogs and then make them hop around the pond, or race other frogs. However, I must warn you, do not let them get the Woooo! Button on a long car trip!
WorkItMom has her list, and MommyBits has hers. PBS even has advice on how to choose apps for your children. My only rule is that I never let the kids use an app that I have not fully tested first. And so now, without further ado, I present to you:
Ruby's Favorite iPhone Apps
1) Angry Birds - Obviously
2) The Monster At The End of This Book - Starbucks was offering this one for free, so I grabbed it. It's just an interactive version of the Sesame Street book that she already loved, and she never gets tired of reading it again on the phone.
3) LetsTans Deluxe - Tangrams for the iPhone. Simple as that, and fun for hours!
4) Songify - Yes, those Schmoyoho guys have an app that turns what you say into an autotuned masterpiece, and it's free! We love this one.
5) Tap Tap Muppets - I think we mostly like this one because of the Muppet songs. We are not very good at the actual game.
6) Pocket Frogs - Cute frogs hopping around. 'Nuff said.
7) Fog Window - Drawing on a virtual foggy window. Almost as much fun as drawing on an actual foggy window.
8) SpawnGlow - Basically just shiny lights flitting about the screen that you can control.
9) String Augmented Reality Showcase - This takes a little more work, but is pretty amazing. You print out on pieces of paper some images from their website, and then when you point your phone at those images, 3D stuff starts to happen. Our favorite is the dragon, which flys around your house. You can take pictures of it too. It's free and it looks like this:
10) Virtuoso Piano - Or any musical instrument. Kids love to make music, so any sort of piano, flute, etc. is super fun.
I'm sure there are tons of other great apps out there that kids would like, so feel free to share your favorites. We always love new ideas! Oh, and if you have a Droid or something, then you can just read the list and be sad that you do not have an iPhone. And then probably go download them all on the Droid anyway.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
The Two Worst Kinds of People
If there is one thing that I hate, it's the kind of person who expects me to be able to do something, just because they are able to do it. Time and time again I run into situations in which someone is rolling their eyes at me, or giving me dirty looks, just because I didn't see the solution that was so obvious to them. If you can do a task in five minutes and it takes me ten, it might not be because I am an idiot. It might just be because you have done it more than I have, or your mind/body is better suited to that particular task. I am so tired of the condescension and annoyance handed down to me by people who think they are better than me based on their ability to do one stupid thing, or the fact that they thought to move something to a more convenient place before I did. Get off your high horse and try treating people with respect.
The other kind of person that I just can't stand is the kind of person who is unable to perform even the most simple of tasks in a competent manner. Seriously, how complicated is the self checkout lane at the supermarket? It took me probably 3 seconds to master that technology, and I don't have time to sit around and wait for you to join the 21st century. I have groceries to buy! And why on Earth would you put that thing over there, when it clearly makes no sense, and you would have saved us both several extra minutes of work if you had just put it over here? It doesn't take a genius level intelligence to figure some of this stuff out. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but good gravy people, use your brains! If I can do it, I don't see any reason why you would not be able to do it. These are the basics of life! Let's apply some critical thinking for Pete's sake!
Oh, and hypocrites. I forgot about hypocrites. Okay, the THREE worst kinds of people. Sorry.
The other kind of person that I just can't stand is the kind of person who is unable to perform even the most simple of tasks in a competent manner. Seriously, how complicated is the self checkout lane at the supermarket? It took me probably 3 seconds to master that technology, and I don't have time to sit around and wait for you to join the 21st century. I have groceries to buy! And why on Earth would you put that thing over there, when it clearly makes no sense, and you would have saved us both several extra minutes of work if you had just put it over here? It doesn't take a genius level intelligence to figure some of this stuff out. I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but good gravy people, use your brains! If I can do it, I don't see any reason why you would not be able to do it. These are the basics of life! Let's apply some critical thinking for Pete's sake!
Oh, and hypocrites. I forgot about hypocrites. Okay, the THREE worst kinds of people. Sorry.
Monday, December 26, 2011
The First Annual Christmas Eve Scavenger Hunt
This year, we started a new tradition with my wife's family. In past years we had played a Shop and Swap Christmas Game on Christmas Eve, where everyone goes somewhere, splits up, and buys a little gift (under $5) for every other player. At the end, we would go home for lunch, wrap the presents, and have a mini-pre-Christmas before church and bedtime. This year we decided to change it up.
My wife and I came up with a list of 8 things and we split into two teams after a nice Christmas Eve breakfast together. I was on a team with my wife's two sisters, Ruby, and my nephew Avery, My wife was on a team with her mother, Edward, and our brother-in-law Dave. The list was as follows:
1) Buy a gift for each member of the other group. (This way we all still get one thing to open at lunch.)
2) Sing a Christmas Carol to a store clerk.
3) Take a group picture with a Santa.
4) Take individual pictures of each group member standing on a rock on Church Street.
5) Take a picture of someone in the group holding a holiday DVD.
6) Take a picture of someone in your group wearing the ugliest Christmas sweater you can find.
7) Take a picture of 3 kings.
8) Take a video of your group dancing around a Christmas Tree.
It was a huge success. Everyone got to spend a fun hour out among the bustling Christmas Eve shoppers, embarrassing themselves and laughing, and we ended up with a lot of great photo and video memories that I obviously edited into a video montage set to holiday music. I can't wait to see how the game evolves next year, when we pass the organizational reins off to another family member, but either way I think we have found a great new tradition that we'll be playing years from now. Merry Christmas everyone!
My wife and I came up with a list of 8 things and we split into two teams after a nice Christmas Eve breakfast together. I was on a team with my wife's two sisters, Ruby, and my nephew Avery, My wife was on a team with her mother, Edward, and our brother-in-law Dave. The list was as follows:
1) Buy a gift for each member of the other group. (This way we all still get one thing to open at lunch.)
2) Sing a Christmas Carol to a store clerk.
3) Take a group picture with a Santa.
4) Take individual pictures of each group member standing on a rock on Church Street.
5) Take a picture of someone in the group holding a holiday DVD.
6) Take a picture of someone in your group wearing the ugliest Christmas sweater you can find.
7) Take a picture of 3 kings.
8) Take a video of your group dancing around a Christmas Tree.
It was a huge success. Everyone got to spend a fun hour out among the bustling Christmas Eve shoppers, embarrassing themselves and laughing, and we ended up with a lot of great photo and video memories that I obviously edited into a video montage set to holiday music. I can't wait to see how the game evolves next year, when we pass the organizational reins off to another family member, but either way I think we have found a great new tradition that we'll be playing years from now. Merry Christmas everyone!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Cookies S01E04 - Cornflake Wreaths
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! This is my last posting before the big event, and so I would like to leave you with this gift: a special Christmas episode of "Cookies." In reality, Ruby and I made several types of cookies this Christmas, including several batches of caramel bars, candy cane cookies, peanut butter Hershey's Kiss cookies, and more, but we did not have time to film all of that. What we did film is the making of my personal favorite this time of year, Cornflake Wreath Cookies. Enjoy, and I'll see you all on the 26th!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Edward's Million Dollar Idea
I knew that my 21 month old son was smart, but I wasn't aware of just how brilliant he was, especially in an entrepreneurial way. Yesterday, while I was trying to clean the kitchen, Edward came up with a million dollar idea.
The idea is very simple. What if, instead of having to season all of your food when you are cooking it, you instead seasoned the utensils?! I have never seen pre-seasoned forks or spoons in a store before, so I don't think anyone else has come up with this idea yet. Sheer brilliance! Every bite would be exactly seasoned the way you want, and you could have forks with more or less seasoning on them, depending on the desires of the diners! Who do I call to make this happen?
Oh, and did I mention that Edward told me about this idea, using his own unique communication style? That's right. He poured all of our salt into the silverware drawer. ALL of our salt. This sent me the message that he wanted to start a seasoned utensils business. Message received, little buddy. Message received.
Now, if anyone can tell me what he meant when he later emptied our trash can into the toilet, it would be much appreciated.
The idea is very simple. What if, instead of having to season all of your food when you are cooking it, you instead seasoned the utensils?! I have never seen pre-seasoned forks or spoons in a store before, so I don't think anyone else has come up with this idea yet. Sheer brilliance! Every bite would be exactly seasoned the way you want, and you could have forks with more or less seasoning on them, depending on the desires of the diners! Who do I call to make this happen?
Oh, and did I mention that Edward told me about this idea, using his own unique communication style? That's right. He poured all of our salt into the silverware drawer. ALL of our salt. This sent me the message that he wanted to start a seasoned utensils business. Message received, little buddy. Message received.
Now, if anyone can tell me what he meant when he later emptied our trash can into the toilet, it would be much appreciated.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Christmas Delilah
I'm not sure how many of you out there are familiar with Delilah, the syndicated radio hostess who runs a romantically themed call-in show, but I personally think that her show is ridiculous, and I do not listen to it. At least, I don't listen to it during 11 months of the year.
During those eleven months, Delilah will take calls from people who have just had a break-up, or just got engaged, or are missing their special somebody-or-other, and she gets their stories and then picks out a song for them to listen to. These songs are always sappy, overly romantic, and generally not my cup of tea. If you enjoy listening to Delilah, then look, I have no problem with that. I just don't like it myself. At least, I don't like it until Christmas time.
For the Christmas season, Delilah updates the music on her show to all Christmas songs, all the time. I like Christmas songs, so this is already an improvement to me, but the best part of all of this, is that the format of the show remains the same. So what happens is, somebody calls in because their boyfriend is overseas in the military and they miss him, and they want to tell Delilah about it. Delilah listens very thoughtfully, says some nice things, and then says "I'm going to play a special song for you and your man tonight, and I know that wherever he is, he can feel the love you're sending his way right now." And then she will play "Frosty the Snowman."
I'm not saying that all of her song choices are inappropriate, but there are only so many lovey-dovey holiday songs out there, so sure, when the first couple of the night calls in and says that they are all snuggled up together and loving each other up, Delilah can put on "Baby It's Cold Outside," but by the time the show has been on for a few hours, and she has used up "All I Want For Christmas Is You," and when some lovesick person calls in crying because this is their first Christmas alone after a horrible break-up, Delilah has no choice but to put on "Sleigh Ride."
I love listening to Delilah at Christmastime. I love the way she lets her listeners ramble on about stuff. Just last night I was listening on the way home from work, and some girl called in and said (I swear) "I just want to say Merry Christmas to all your listeners out there, and to let them know, that rich or poor, even if they have no roof over their heads, that I hope they had a great year, and they know what this season is all about. Even if they have no presents, the true presents are in their hearts and they can still get together with loved ones this holiday season." I think she rambled a bit more than that, but all I could picture was some poor guy in a cardboard box, somehow listening to the radio, with no loved ones to visit, and thinking what a great year he did not have, as he is now living in a cardboard box. Although I guess he might be grateful that his deluxe box has a radio in it.
So I will continue to listen to Delilah make awkward dedications. I will continue to listen to her callers say ridiculous things on the air. And I will continue to listen to the wonderful music that she plays. At least until December 26th.
During those eleven months, Delilah will take calls from people who have just had a break-up, or just got engaged, or are missing their special somebody-or-other, and she gets their stories and then picks out a song for them to listen to. These songs are always sappy, overly romantic, and generally not my cup of tea. If you enjoy listening to Delilah, then look, I have no problem with that. I just don't like it myself. At least, I don't like it until Christmas time.
For the Christmas season, Delilah updates the music on her show to all Christmas songs, all the time. I like Christmas songs, so this is already an improvement to me, but the best part of all of this, is that the format of the show remains the same. So what happens is, somebody calls in because their boyfriend is overseas in the military and they miss him, and they want to tell Delilah about it. Delilah listens very thoughtfully, says some nice things, and then says "I'm going to play a special song for you and your man tonight, and I know that wherever he is, he can feel the love you're sending his way right now." And then she will play "Frosty the Snowman."
I'm not saying that all of her song choices are inappropriate, but there are only so many lovey-dovey holiday songs out there, so sure, when the first couple of the night calls in and says that they are all snuggled up together and loving each other up, Delilah can put on "Baby It's Cold Outside," but by the time the show has been on for a few hours, and she has used up "All I Want For Christmas Is You," and when some lovesick person calls in crying because this is their first Christmas alone after a horrible break-up, Delilah has no choice but to put on "Sleigh Ride."
I love listening to Delilah at Christmastime. I love the way she lets her listeners ramble on about stuff. Just last night I was listening on the way home from work, and some girl called in and said (I swear) "I just want to say Merry Christmas to all your listeners out there, and to let them know, that rich or poor, even if they have no roof over their heads, that I hope they had a great year, and they know what this season is all about. Even if they have no presents, the true presents are in their hearts and they can still get together with loved ones this holiday season." I think she rambled a bit more than that, but all I could picture was some poor guy in a cardboard box, somehow listening to the radio, with no loved ones to visit, and thinking what a great year he did not have, as he is now living in a cardboard box. Although I guess he might be grateful that his deluxe box has a radio in it.
So I will continue to listen to Delilah make awkward dedications. I will continue to listen to her callers say ridiculous things on the air. And I will continue to listen to the wonderful music that she plays. At least until December 26th.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Yes, Ruby, There Is A Santa Claus
So Ruby came home from school the other day and said something horrifying. She said "Van told me that Santa Claus isn't real." Seriously!? She's in pre-school! I didn't think I'd have to deal with this until at least kindergarten! Well, I just leaned back and said "Now why do you think he said something like that?"
Ruby quickly said "I don't know! Of course Santa Claus is real; he lives at the North Pole!". Phew! Crisis averted. Since we all seemed happy with this resolution, I changed the subject and forgot about it.
But then yesterday she came home from school again, and said "Van says that Santa Claus was really old and he died!" Let me tell you, Van is not winning any points in my book at this point. So I said "Maybe Santa never brought Van a present because he is so naughty." Yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that. Whatever.
So Ruby looks at me and says "Well, maybe one Santa is dead, but I think there are a lot of Santas. I saw two at the mall the other day!" And I looked right back at my four year old daughter, and I said "Ruby, I think you are exactly right."
Ruby quickly said "I don't know! Of course Santa Claus is real; he lives at the North Pole!". Phew! Crisis averted. Since we all seemed happy with this resolution, I changed the subject and forgot about it.
But then yesterday she came home from school again, and said "Van says that Santa Claus was really old and he died!" Let me tell you, Van is not winning any points in my book at this point. So I said "Maybe Santa never brought Van a present because he is so naughty." Yeah, I know I shouldn't have said that. Whatever.
So Ruby looks at me and says "Well, maybe one Santa is dead, but I think there are a lot of Santas. I saw two at the mall the other day!" And I looked right back at my four year old daughter, and I said "Ruby, I think you are exactly right."
Monday, December 19, 2011
Hymnal Fail
I was visiting my Dad in Maine this past weekend, and we headed to church Sunday morning like we always do. Since he is the pastor, they notice pretty quickly if he skips a week or two. He is a Baptist minister, but at home we go to a Methodist church, and so his church uses a different hymnal that the one I am used to. In fact, since his current church is a "community" church, I don't even think they have the standard Baptist hymnal that I have seen around either. They use what is called "The Celebration Hymnal."
We sang several things from this Hymnal, but I started noticing some weird things during the service. For instance, in the first hymn that we sang, we were instructed to sing verses 1 and 2. Here is what the hymn looked like:
Now I don't know about you, but I don't see much difference between verses 1 and 2. Why did they even print them as separate verses? Did they think we would not notice that they were padding the hymn, trying to make it look longer? Is this just lazy composing, or sneaky editing? I'm not sure.
But then we moved on to our next hymn, entitled "O Come Let Us Adore Him." Here it is:
Wait a second! That is not a hymn! That is the second half of "O Come All Ye Faithful," masquerading as its own song! That is cheating! Now I am definitely beginning to suspect tricky editors. That would be like me writing a song called "Do You Remember When We Used To Sing?" and just put down the chorus to "Brown Eyed Girl" a couple of times, obviously including all of the sha-la-la-la-las. I'm just saying that I think people would be pretty suspicious.
And on another note, I don't think all of the songs in there are actually hymns. I think they just started sticking random stuff in there to fill space. Like check this out:
Isn't "Higher Ground" a Stevie Wonder song? I'm pretty sure it is. I also saw "Joy to the World" by 3 Dog Night in there, as well as something called "Rock of Ages," which I'm fairly certain is a heavy metal Broadway musical of some sort.
This is all just to say, stop cutting corners, hymnal manufacturers! I'm on to you, and I'm spreading the word! Amen.
We sang several things from this Hymnal, but I started noticing some weird things during the service. For instance, in the first hymn that we sang, we were instructed to sing verses 1 and 2. Here is what the hymn looked like:
Now I don't know about you, but I don't see much difference between verses 1 and 2. Why did they even print them as separate verses? Did they think we would not notice that they were padding the hymn, trying to make it look longer? Is this just lazy composing, or sneaky editing? I'm not sure.
But then we moved on to our next hymn, entitled "O Come Let Us Adore Him." Here it is:
Wait a second! That is not a hymn! That is the second half of "O Come All Ye Faithful," masquerading as its own song! That is cheating! Now I am definitely beginning to suspect tricky editors. That would be like me writing a song called "Do You Remember When We Used To Sing?" and just put down the chorus to "Brown Eyed Girl" a couple of times, obviously including all of the sha-la-la-la-las. I'm just saying that I think people would be pretty suspicious.
And on another note, I don't think all of the songs in there are actually hymns. I think they just started sticking random stuff in there to fill space. Like check this out:
Isn't "Higher Ground" a Stevie Wonder song? I'm pretty sure it is. I also saw "Joy to the World" by 3 Dog Night in there, as well as something called "Rock of Ages," which I'm fairly certain is a heavy metal Broadway musical of some sort.
This is all just to say, stop cutting corners, hymnal manufacturers! I'm on to you, and I'm spreading the word! Amen.
Friday, December 16, 2011
A Peninsula, Island, or an Isthmus
You will all be happy to know that I have been hard at work on my latest informational video, and it is finally finished, just in time for the holidays! This is good news, because it sort of has a holiday theme, Sort of. But basically, it seems that some people have a hard time distinguishing between a peninsula, an island, or an isthmus (especially that last one). Luckily, I've created a song to help them out with that problem. And again, yes, this is basically for nerds, by nerds. Happy Holidays!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Apologies in Advance
I'm very sorry, but I don't have time to write a blog today. I mean, I want to, don't get me wrong, but I am totally swamped over here. So I apologize for not giving you anything to read today. Please come back tomorrow for what I'm sure will be the most awesomest blog ever.
You see, the thing is, I signed up to do this cookie swap with the MOMS club, and it's tomorrow, and I haven't made any cookies yet. I'm not making cookies per se anyway, I'm making caramel bars, which are actually way better than cookies, but that's beside the point. The point is, that I have to show up tomorrow morning with 5 dozen caramel bars to trade, or I will not get any delicious cookies and I will be the laughingstock of the whole MOMS club!
I would have had more time, except when I went to the store this morning to get my baking supplies, it came to my attention that I did not have any money. Correction, I had no money in the bank. I had checks in my pocket to deposit at the bank, but as that was going to be my stop number 2 after the grocery store, I realized that I didn't have enough cash on hand, or money in my account, to get everything I needed. And since the store will not accept "Me showing them that I have a big check in my pocket" as a form of payment, I had to abandon my shopping and go deposit my funds. This took more time that I had wanted.
Then, when I finally did get home, Edward went on a mad spree of destruction that involved a roll of paper towels, a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, some Double Stuf Oreos, and one or more cats. Let me tell you, it is very hard to bake with all that racket going on in the background.
He is having a nap now, so I am free to bake, except that when I arrived at the kitchen I discovered that all of the baking pans, trays, measuring cups, and pretty much everything else I needed, was sitting dirty in the sink. So now I have to do dishes!
Well, I did the dishes, and Edward is happily shouting in his crib, and I managed to get one batch of caramel bars in the oven, but I still have at least three more batches to do today, and I have to leave to get Ruby from school in about an hour, plus I am working tonight at the pizza place, so I am pretty much out of time for doing anything. And did I mention I have to personally unwrap 144 little caramels?!
So anyway, I really don't have time to write anything for your amusement today, but I promise tomorrow's blog will be really good. Maybe I'll do a new video or something.
You see, the thing is, I signed up to do this cookie swap with the MOMS club, and it's tomorrow, and I haven't made any cookies yet. I'm not making cookies per se anyway, I'm making caramel bars, which are actually way better than cookies, but that's beside the point. The point is, that I have to show up tomorrow morning with 5 dozen caramel bars to trade, or I will not get any delicious cookies and I will be the laughingstock of the whole MOMS club!
I would have had more time, except when I went to the store this morning to get my baking supplies, it came to my attention that I did not have any money. Correction, I had no money in the bank. I had checks in my pocket to deposit at the bank, but as that was going to be my stop number 2 after the grocery store, I realized that I didn't have enough cash on hand, or money in my account, to get everything I needed. And since the store will not accept "Me showing them that I have a big check in my pocket" as a form of payment, I had to abandon my shopping and go deposit my funds. This took more time that I had wanted.
Then, when I finally did get home, Edward went on a mad spree of destruction that involved a roll of paper towels, a box of Honey Nut Cheerios, some Double Stuf Oreos, and one or more cats. Let me tell you, it is very hard to bake with all that racket going on in the background.
He is having a nap now, so I am free to bake, except that when I arrived at the kitchen I discovered that all of the baking pans, trays, measuring cups, and pretty much everything else I needed, was sitting dirty in the sink. So now I have to do dishes!
Well, I did the dishes, and Edward is happily shouting in his crib, and I managed to get one batch of caramel bars in the oven, but I still have at least three more batches to do today, and I have to leave to get Ruby from school in about an hour, plus I am working tonight at the pizza place, so I am pretty much out of time for doing anything. And did I mention I have to personally unwrap 144 little caramels?!
So anyway, I really don't have time to write anything for your amusement today, but I promise tomorrow's blog will be really good. Maybe I'll do a new video or something.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Locked My Keys In My Car
The first time I ever locked my keys in my car, the car was running and I was in a mall parking lot. That was not a good day. As I was in college, and had no AAA, no roadside assistance, no OnStar, and no car/life experience, I freaked out a little. Thankfully, mall security eventually came and got the door open for me and I didn't waste too much gas as my car sat and idled for two hours.
I paid very close attention after that to the location of my keys, but even all my diligence could not stop it from happening again. Just a short 5 or 6 years later, I was doing a Christmas gig with my super-awesome-wish-they-still-existed a cappella group Passing Notes. It was a private party at a church, and we arrived ready to sing and eat and have a good time. Except I locked my keys in the car.
This time I did have Geico roadside assistance, and they came right over to unlock the door for me. And by "right over" I mean 3 hours later. Except they told me it would be within an hour and I had to be waiting by the vehicle. So while my friends and vocal bandmates ate, drank, and made merry, I sat out in the cold waiting for the stupid tow truck guy. I went inside to sing the gig (what else could I do?) and I did get a plate of food, but for the most part, I sat outside in the cold and waited for someone to come and retrieve my keys.
Yesterday, it happened again. Monday night we had come home from Ruby's school concert (which was very cute, by the way, and if I thought you were interested in watching twenty minutes of 4 and 5 year olds singing Christmas songs, I would totally post the videos), but in separate cars because Simone had come right from work. But we were out of milk, so someone had to go out and get it, and it was late and the kids needed to get right into bed, especially Edward, and in all the confusion, I took the kids in to bed, and Simone closed up my car and drove hers out to get milk. And I had left my keys in the ignition.
Of course I didn't notice this until the next morning, when I had the kids all bundled up, walking out the door to drive Ruby to school. I got to the car, put my hand in my pocket, and pulled out a jingling ring of nothing. Frantic, I ran into the house searching everywhere for my keys. Could they have fallen out of my pocket? Had Edward somehow gotten into my coat and flushed them down the toilet? Would they even go down the toilet?
Finally, I thought to check the car, and there they were, mocking me and having a grand old time in the car, while the rest of us were locked out in the cold. So I had to call my wife to come home from work and let me into the car with her key, and then she took Ruby to school while I shook my fist at the sky and thought angry thoughts.
Apparently I lock my keys in the car every 5 or 6 years, so I'm due for another round of frustration in 2017 or so. I wonder if there is any way to prevent this. Can I send a message to my future self, reminding him to stay vigilant about key placement? Maybe I can set an alert on my phone that will go off January 1st, 2017, telling me to keep an eye on my stuff. And would that even work, or would I still somehow forget anyway? I guess I won't know until I get there, but from now on, vigilance is key.
I paid very close attention after that to the location of my keys, but even all my diligence could not stop it from happening again. Just a short 5 or 6 years later, I was doing a Christmas gig with my super-awesome-wish-they-still-existed a cappella group Passing Notes. It was a private party at a church, and we arrived ready to sing and eat and have a good time. Except I locked my keys in the car.
This time I did have Geico roadside assistance, and they came right over to unlock the door for me. And by "right over" I mean 3 hours later. Except they told me it would be within an hour and I had to be waiting by the vehicle. So while my friends and vocal bandmates ate, drank, and made merry, I sat out in the cold waiting for the stupid tow truck guy. I went inside to sing the gig (what else could I do?) and I did get a plate of food, but for the most part, I sat outside in the cold and waited for someone to come and retrieve my keys.
Yesterday, it happened again. Monday night we had come home from Ruby's school concert (which was very cute, by the way, and if I thought you were interested in watching twenty minutes of 4 and 5 year olds singing Christmas songs, I would totally post the videos), but in separate cars because Simone had come right from work. But we were out of milk, so someone had to go out and get it, and it was late and the kids needed to get right into bed, especially Edward, and in all the confusion, I took the kids in to bed, and Simone closed up my car and drove hers out to get milk. And I had left my keys in the ignition.
Of course I didn't notice this until the next morning, when I had the kids all bundled up, walking out the door to drive Ruby to school. I got to the car, put my hand in my pocket, and pulled out a jingling ring of nothing. Frantic, I ran into the house searching everywhere for my keys. Could they have fallen out of my pocket? Had Edward somehow gotten into my coat and flushed them down the toilet? Would they even go down the toilet?
Finally, I thought to check the car, and there they were, mocking me and having a grand old time in the car, while the rest of us were locked out in the cold. So I had to call my wife to come home from work and let me into the car with her key, and then she took Ruby to school while I shook my fist at the sky and thought angry thoughts.
Apparently I lock my keys in the car every 5 or 6 years, so I'm due for another round of frustration in 2017 or so. I wonder if there is any way to prevent this. Can I send a message to my future self, reminding him to stay vigilant about key placement? Maybe I can set an alert on my phone that will go off January 1st, 2017, telling me to keep an eye on my stuff. And would that even work, or would I still somehow forget anyway? I guess I won't know until I get there, but from now on, vigilance is key.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Woodstock Wassail Weekend
Here at Tenor Dad & Co. we are always looking for fun and exciting things to do, and so this past weekend we drove down to Woodstock, VT for their annual Wassail Weekend. This festival was discovered last December by Nini, who was out doing her driving job and was the first car stopped by the police when they closed the roads for the parade. Being first in line, she had a wonderful view of the parade of horses and as she sat there for over an hour, she thought that it might be fun to attend this festival with family and friends while not at work and not trapped in her vehicle.
Our goal was to drive down in time for the book reading at the local library, but we were late as usual and by the time we found parking (which was no small feat) the story time had already started and so we gave up on that and headed for lunch.
We got some recommendations from the locals as to where we could find lunch, but everywhere we went either had no seating at all, or a long line out the door and a huge waiting list, so we wandered down to the green where we had heard there was chili. And I guess there was chili, but by the time we arrived it was pretty much gone. We did get some food, and proceeded to stand around outside in the freezing cold eating and waiting for the parade.
The parade. This was the main reason we were there, and definitely the highlight of the weekend, and it did not disappoint. We got front row seats (well, there were no seats...or rows either for that matter) for a great display of horses and riders dressed in fabulous costumes. Ruby was thrilled (Ruby quote of the parade: "Wow! I've never seen a unicorn in real life before!") and Edward stopped trying to escape/destroy things for a few minutes to pay attention to the animals. We all had a great time.
After the parade they lit the "yule log," which apparently is code for "giant bonfire," and some guy with an accordion was leading a Christmas Carol sing-along, so that was awesome too. We stood around the fire, finally getting warm and singing along at the tops of our lungs. Good times.
The last thing we wanted to see was an a cappella show at the church, but something went horribly wrong. I don't know if there was a schedule misprint or what, but a handbell group was scheduled for 2:45, and the singing for 3:00. We arrived at the church at 2:50 and the handbells were playing, and there was a crowd out to the door of people waiting for the singing. At 3:00, we wondered if the handbells were going to go long, and how they were going to get all of the people out of the church, and all of us in, in time to hear the singing. At 3:15 it was apparent that the handbells were not going anywhere, and neither were any of the people in their nice warm pews.
We finally gave up and left at 3:20 after some guy yelled at us because our kids were being too fidgity. It kind of left a sour taste in our mouths about the whole thing, and I don't know if the a cappella group ever went on, but I think we still had a good day overall.
I guess, looking back on it all, I would totally go again if I lived closer, and I would probably pop in and out to the events that I wanted to see over the 3 days (there were Friday and Sunday events as well), but living 90-120 minutes away, it might not be worth the drive just for the 20-30 minute parade, even though the parade was awesome. So all of that being said, if you happen to be near Woodstock, VT next December and you notice something going on, stop and check it out. Just get there early for the chili.
Our goal was to drive down in time for the book reading at the local library, but we were late as usual and by the time we found parking (which was no small feat) the story time had already started and so we gave up on that and headed for lunch.
We got some recommendations from the locals as to where we could find lunch, but everywhere we went either had no seating at all, or a long line out the door and a huge waiting list, so we wandered down to the green where we had heard there was chili. And I guess there was chili, but by the time we arrived it was pretty much gone. We did get some food, and proceeded to stand around outside in the freezing cold eating and waiting for the parade.
The parade. This was the main reason we were there, and definitely the highlight of the weekend, and it did not disappoint. We got front row seats (well, there were no seats...or rows either for that matter) for a great display of horses and riders dressed in fabulous costumes. Ruby was thrilled (Ruby quote of the parade: "Wow! I've never seen a unicorn in real life before!") and Edward stopped trying to escape/destroy things for a few minutes to pay attention to the animals. We all had a great time.
After the parade they lit the "yule log," which apparently is code for "giant bonfire," and some guy with an accordion was leading a Christmas Carol sing-along, so that was awesome too. We stood around the fire, finally getting warm and singing along at the tops of our lungs. Good times.
The last thing we wanted to see was an a cappella show at the church, but something went horribly wrong. I don't know if there was a schedule misprint or what, but a handbell group was scheduled for 2:45, and the singing for 3:00. We arrived at the church at 2:50 and the handbells were playing, and there was a crowd out to the door of people waiting for the singing. At 3:00, we wondered if the handbells were going to go long, and how they were going to get all of the people out of the church, and all of us in, in time to hear the singing. At 3:15 it was apparent that the handbells were not going anywhere, and neither were any of the people in their nice warm pews.
We finally gave up and left at 3:20 after some guy yelled at us because our kids were being too fidgity. It kind of left a sour taste in our mouths about the whole thing, and I don't know if the a cappella group ever went on, but I think we still had a good day overall.
I guess, looking back on it all, I would totally go again if I lived closer, and I would probably pop in and out to the events that I wanted to see over the 3 days (there were Friday and Sunday events as well), but living 90-120 minutes away, it might not be worth the drive just for the 20-30 minute parade, even though the parade was awesome. So all of that being said, if you happen to be near Woodstock, VT next December and you notice something going on, stop and check it out. Just get there early for the chili.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The First Rule of Parenting and Jungle Camping
Check your shoes. This is a life-saving rule that is vital to both parenting and jungle survival. I know that it's not something that one might think about on a regular basis, so I am posting this reminder to all parents/jungle explorers out there.
For the half of you reading this who are currently sleeping in a jungle somewhere, you ought to know that there might be a scorpion in your shoe. Perhaps a poisonous spider is lying in wait, hoping to bite some toes. For this reason, you must bang your shoes out every morning before you put them on, taking extra care to remove all potentially deadly creatures from your footwear before inserting any of your extremities. It might seem annoying, but a memory slip here could prove fatal.
The other half of you reading this, the parents, should know that there is absolutely no telling what you might find in your shoe. If you don't check your shoes before placing your feet into them, you are quite likely to feel something squishy oozing up around your toes. This might be oatmeal, or perhaps half of a banana. However, you are just as likely to discover hard and pointy things hiding beneath the tongue of your shoe. A toy car, some blocks, or even a fork has been known to appear mysteriously inside the footwear of unsuspecting parents. If you are very lucky, you might hit upon something of the soft variety, such as a balled up sock or a teeny beanie baby. But be warned, like the jungle adventurer you too cannot rule out the possibility that your child may have found a scorpion or a tarantula and decided that your shoe was the best place for it. Children are very resourceful in a variety of diabolical ways.
So whether you are braving the wilds of South America or West Living Room, be sure to follow the first rule of any clever and long-futured individual and please, check your shoes.
This has been a public service announcement from Tenor Dad.
For the half of you reading this who are currently sleeping in a jungle somewhere, you ought to know that there might be a scorpion in your shoe. Perhaps a poisonous spider is lying in wait, hoping to bite some toes. For this reason, you must bang your shoes out every morning before you put them on, taking extra care to remove all potentially deadly creatures from your footwear before inserting any of your extremities. It might seem annoying, but a memory slip here could prove fatal.
The other half of you reading this, the parents, should know that there is absolutely no telling what you might find in your shoe. If you don't check your shoes before placing your feet into them, you are quite likely to feel something squishy oozing up around your toes. This might be oatmeal, or perhaps half of a banana. However, you are just as likely to discover hard and pointy things hiding beneath the tongue of your shoe. A toy car, some blocks, or even a fork has been known to appear mysteriously inside the footwear of unsuspecting parents. If you are very lucky, you might hit upon something of the soft variety, such as a balled up sock or a teeny beanie baby. But be warned, like the jungle adventurer you too cannot rule out the possibility that your child may have found a scorpion or a tarantula and decided that your shoe was the best place for it. Children are very resourceful in a variety of diabolical ways.
So whether you are braving the wilds of South America or West Living Room, be sure to follow the first rule of any clever and long-futured individual and please, check your shoes.
This has been a public service announcement from Tenor Dad.
Friday, December 9, 2011
The Advent Calendar
One of the cherished Christmas traditions in our house every year is the advent calendar. The advent calendar is shaped like a big house and it has 24 doors in it, each of which can hold a fun little present inside, and so the idea is that, starting on December 1st, you open one door every day until Christmas. My wife and I picked it up at Costco many years ago, pre-children, because we thought it looked awesome.
The first year we had it, my wife and I bought each other little gifts and we alternated days so that every other day we had something fun to open, and it was a huge success. So much so, that it was a little sad when we had children and realized that we would probably have to give them the gifts instead. And actually, after we had Ruby we kept giving each other gifts for a year or two anyway, because she was too little (we told ourselves).
Eventually we gave in and started putting little presents in the calendar for Ruby every year, and she loves it. I mean, what's not to love? You get a present every day! The hardest part for us parents is finding things small enough to fit into the teeny little doors. Some compartments are bigger than others, but none of them are huge. Socks are a good present because you can roll them up, and candy is always good too, but I suppose that trying to stuff the things in there is half of the fun!
This year is Edward's first year participating in the calendar, which means we had to try and get two presents into each compartment. I hope you like individually wrapped M&M's kids! Somehow we managed to do it, but the other problem that I had not anticipated was that Edward is an avatar of destruction.
Ruby is like me. She loves surprises. I don't think it would ever occur to her to try and open doors ahead of time. Even when she was very little, opening one door a day to mark the time till Christmas was all part of the fun and excitement of the season. Edward likes all of his fun and excitement at once. He is determined to open all of the doors and pull everything out of that calendar if it is the last thing he does. In fact, he has done it. More than once. There have been multiple instances of Ruby running to find me, yelling "Dad! Edward is opening the wrong doors of the advent calendar! I'm not looking! You go close them, and I will stay in here so I don't see anything!" A girl after my own heart. I also hate having my surprises ruined.
Edward does not care about surprises. He is not into delayed gratification. Yesterday afternoon he tried to eat the gingerbread house. I explained to him that we had just made the dang thing, and we would like it to last a little bit longer, but he just let out his primal yell and surged forward again, determined to smash and destroy.
So now the advent calendar has to go up on the kitchen counter, out of reach of children, and not looking quite as festive as it did over by the fireplace. I will be interested to see how Edward reacts to the calendar next year. Is this just a stage that he is at now, or does his personality truly lend itself to sneaking peeks at future surprises? I guess that's part of the fun of parenting, and I'm happy to wait and see, because just like the advent calendar, the journey is the good part.
The first year we had it, my wife and I bought each other little gifts and we alternated days so that every other day we had something fun to open, and it was a huge success. So much so, that it was a little sad when we had children and realized that we would probably have to give them the gifts instead. And actually, after we had Ruby we kept giving each other gifts for a year or two anyway, because she was too little (we told ourselves).
Eventually we gave in and started putting little presents in the calendar for Ruby every year, and she loves it. I mean, what's not to love? You get a present every day! The hardest part for us parents is finding things small enough to fit into the teeny little doors. Some compartments are bigger than others, but none of them are huge. Socks are a good present because you can roll them up, and candy is always good too, but I suppose that trying to stuff the things in there is half of the fun!
This year is Edward's first year participating in the calendar, which means we had to try and get two presents into each compartment. I hope you like individually wrapped M&M's kids! Somehow we managed to do it, but the other problem that I had not anticipated was that Edward is an avatar of destruction.
Ruby is like me. She loves surprises. I don't think it would ever occur to her to try and open doors ahead of time. Even when she was very little, opening one door a day to mark the time till Christmas was all part of the fun and excitement of the season. Edward likes all of his fun and excitement at once. He is determined to open all of the doors and pull everything out of that calendar if it is the last thing he does. In fact, he has done it. More than once. There have been multiple instances of Ruby running to find me, yelling "Dad! Edward is opening the wrong doors of the advent calendar! I'm not looking! You go close them, and I will stay in here so I don't see anything!" A girl after my own heart. I also hate having my surprises ruined.
Edward does not care about surprises. He is not into delayed gratification. Yesterday afternoon he tried to eat the gingerbread house. I explained to him that we had just made the dang thing, and we would like it to last a little bit longer, but he just let out his primal yell and surged forward again, determined to smash and destroy.
So now the advent calendar has to go up on the kitchen counter, out of reach of children, and not looking quite as festive as it did over by the fireplace. I will be interested to see how Edward reacts to the calendar next year. Is this just a stage that he is at now, or does his personality truly lend itself to sneaking peeks at future surprises? I guess that's part of the fun of parenting, and I'm happy to wait and see, because just like the advent calendar, the journey is the good part.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Does Ruby Need a Tumblr Account?
I'm thinking of starting a Tumblr page for Ruby's quotes of the day. Any thoughts on this from my rabid fan base? I like my long-form blogging on this site, but I feel that quotes are really too short to be posting as blogs here. On the other hand, many of them are too long for a twitter feed. I do post many of them to my facebook wall, but then they are restricted in who can read them.
What do you think? Is anyone interested in reading a mini-tumblr blog that includes things like this?
Ruby: "Okay Dad, I'm going to count off 1,2,3,4 and you sing any song you want, okay?"
Me: "Okay."
Ruby: "And a-one, and a-two, and a-one two three four..."
Me: "Doo, bee doo doo, ba da ba baaa..."
Ruby: "No, Dad! Not that song! I said any song you want! We better start over."
What do you think? Is anyone interested in reading a mini-tumblr blog that includes things like this?
Ruby: "Okay Dad, I'm going to count off 1,2,3,4 and you sing any song you want, okay?"
Me: "Okay."
Ruby: "And a-one, and a-two, and a-one two three four..."
Me: "Doo, bee doo doo, ba da ba baaa..."
Ruby: "No, Dad! Not that song! I said any song you want! We better start over."
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Reverent Irreverance
I don't know if any of you have noticed in the past, but I am a bit of a fan of humor. To me, laughter really is the best medicine (tied with penicillin), and I try to keep a sense of humor about almost everything. I am always ready to throw out a joke, or a terrible pun, or some other wry comment, especially when they seem a bit inappropriate, and the only people in this world that I really don't get along with are the ones who don't seem to have a sense of humor.
As a general rule, this has served me well in life, but sometimes I worry about using humor in a respectful way. I am currently involved in writing a 10-12 minute presentation for the Christmas Eve service at my church. It is full of jokes. But how far can you really go when you are going to be presenting at an actual church service? Some people like to take religion pretty seriously, or so I have heard.
I know that people are often saying that God has a sense of humor, but I wonder if that in and of itself is blasphemous. Take this popular Christian joke for instance: "You can tell God has a sense of humor, just look at the platypus." Ha ha ha. Very funny. Except, are you saying that you know what God's intention was? You know for a fact that God made the platypus as a joke? What if God did not make the platypus as a joke? And would it be just as acceptable to say "You can tell God has a sense of humor, just look at Leroy over there." If I were God, I would not want people to be making fun of stuff that I made. Or would I? I don't know, I am not God.
So it seems to me that God is pretty serious stuff. It's not just life or death, it's eternal life or death! People do not want to take chances with that sort of thing. And yet we have Christian comedians, Christian writings with a humorous bent, and 10-12 minute skits that are performed during church services that contain actual jokes. Where is the line? I don't want to offend anyone.
Perhaps the difference is this: we will have to poke fun at things, instead of make fun of them. To "make" something into fun is to take away the seriousness of it, and I would never want to do that to people's strongly held beliefs. But I could certainly "poke" some fun in their direction without making the objects of the jest less serious themselves, right? So maybe some gentle poking is called for. But how do I tell where that line is?
Either way, I always feel some sort of guilt or uncertainty whenever I try to insert humor into an inherently religious situation. Any one out there have opinions on this? I was going through the same problem when trying to think of good names for a Christian a cappella group. How far can you really go when you are trying to lighten up something that is so heavy?
As a general rule, this has served me well in life, but sometimes I worry about using humor in a respectful way. I am currently involved in writing a 10-12 minute presentation for the Christmas Eve service at my church. It is full of jokes. But how far can you really go when you are going to be presenting at an actual church service? Some people like to take religion pretty seriously, or so I have heard.
I know that people are often saying that God has a sense of humor, but I wonder if that in and of itself is blasphemous. Take this popular Christian joke for instance: "You can tell God has a sense of humor, just look at the platypus." Ha ha ha. Very funny. Except, are you saying that you know what God's intention was? You know for a fact that God made the platypus as a joke? What if God did not make the platypus as a joke? And would it be just as acceptable to say "You can tell God has a sense of humor, just look at Leroy over there." If I were God, I would not want people to be making fun of stuff that I made. Or would I? I don't know, I am not God.
So it seems to me that God is pretty serious stuff. It's not just life or death, it's eternal life or death! People do not want to take chances with that sort of thing. And yet we have Christian comedians, Christian writings with a humorous bent, and 10-12 minute skits that are performed during church services that contain actual jokes. Where is the line? I don't want to offend anyone.
Perhaps the difference is this: we will have to poke fun at things, instead of make fun of them. To "make" something into fun is to take away the seriousness of it, and I would never want to do that to people's strongly held beliefs. But I could certainly "poke" some fun in their direction without making the objects of the jest less serious themselves, right? So maybe some gentle poking is called for. But how do I tell where that line is?
Either way, I always feel some sort of guilt or uncertainty whenever I try to insert humor into an inherently religious situation. Any one out there have opinions on this? I was going through the same problem when trying to think of good names for a Christian a cappella group. How far can you really go when you are trying to lighten up something that is so heavy?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
False Hope vs. Harsh Reality
Today, while Ruby was at school, Edward ripped her special plastic fire helmet in half. The one she got when she got to go on the fire truck at school. So I quickly put it in the kitchen trash, buried it deep, and prayed that she would not notice that it was missing.
So what was my plan if she did ask where it was? Well, I was going to just say, "Hmmm, I don't know, maybe it will turn up somewhere." In other words, lie. But then I stopped to consider if that was the way I wanted to go. Was it fair to give her false hopes when I knew darn well that she was never going to find that helmet?
Then I got to wondering just how many of the things that I was never able to find as a kid were really secretly thrown away by my mother. I recall one such instance very well, although this was not really her fault. We had all made Easter baskets at school, and they were filled with candy, but for some reason I was not at school the day they got sent home. Maybe I was at my Dad's? I don't remember. I do remember coming home and waiting every day for the baskets to come home, and when it had finally been too long, I asked my teacher where they were. She informed me that she had sent it home with my mother almost a week before. When I got home, my mother told me that she had left it on the counter and the dog had eaten it, and so she had thrown it away and basically hoped that I wouldn't remember.
This has stuck with me ever since. I was really mad. I felt lied to. I felt betrayed. I wanted some damn candy! I was in 4th or 5th grade, and I don't think my mother did anything like that after that point (that I know of), but I bet she did before then.
Honestly, Ruby has way too many toys and junk, and she probably won't notice that the hat is gone, and I am sparing her tears and upsetness by not mentioning it to her. Isn't that part of our parenting job? To shield our children from the harsh realities of life until they are old enough to deal with them? But I also don't want her to find out that I have secretly been throwing away her broken toys and then have her be mad. But I guess there is nothing else to do but stay on course until she finally figures it out. And let's hope she doesn't ask about the helmet.
So what was my plan if she did ask where it was? Well, I was going to just say, "Hmmm, I don't know, maybe it will turn up somewhere." In other words, lie. But then I stopped to consider if that was the way I wanted to go. Was it fair to give her false hopes when I knew darn well that she was never going to find that helmet?
Then I got to wondering just how many of the things that I was never able to find as a kid were really secretly thrown away by my mother. I recall one such instance very well, although this was not really her fault. We had all made Easter baskets at school, and they were filled with candy, but for some reason I was not at school the day they got sent home. Maybe I was at my Dad's? I don't remember. I do remember coming home and waiting every day for the baskets to come home, and when it had finally been too long, I asked my teacher where they were. She informed me that she had sent it home with my mother almost a week before. When I got home, my mother told me that she had left it on the counter and the dog had eaten it, and so she had thrown it away and basically hoped that I wouldn't remember.
This has stuck with me ever since. I was really mad. I felt lied to. I felt betrayed. I wanted some damn candy! I was in 4th or 5th grade, and I don't think my mother did anything like that after that point (that I know of), but I bet she did before then.
Honestly, Ruby has way too many toys and junk, and she probably won't notice that the hat is gone, and I am sparing her tears and upsetness by not mentioning it to her. Isn't that part of our parenting job? To shield our children from the harsh realities of life until they are old enough to deal with them? But I also don't want her to find out that I have secretly been throwing away her broken toys and then have her be mad. But I guess there is nothing else to do but stay on course until she finally figures it out. And let's hope she doesn't ask about the helmet.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Santa Stampede or Why I Was Late to Church
Yesterday, as the family was driving off to church in the morning, my wife was telling me a story of how several people in a row cut her off in traffic the other day and how it made her really angry. I can relate, because I still have a list of people in my head that have cut me off in the past that I will totally ram if I ever see them again. The ironic part of this story though, is that while telling this story, my wife ended up getting angry while driving again, this time at a traffic cop.
We were trying to navigate some closed roads that had popped up on our usual route, and we thought we had gotten around them when we came to some cones. Road closed. The end. But there didn't seem to be a reason for the road to be closed. There was no construction, and in fact other cars were driving down the very road we wanted to go down. When my wife mentioned this to the police officer, she got yelled at, which made her very angry.
To make a long story short, we couldn't get through no matter which way we went, so we finally parked several blocks away from church and decided to walk the rest of the way. Two blocks from church we discovered, up close and personal, the reason for all of the street closures. Away to my iPhone I flew like a flash. Switched over to "camera" mode (video, no flash). And what to my wondering eyes should appear? Well, I'll just post the video. Watch it right here.
Millions and millions of Santas. A Santa stampede. And that's why I was late to church. It's a good thing I got the video, or you'd never believe me.
We were trying to navigate some closed roads that had popped up on our usual route, and we thought we had gotten around them when we came to some cones. Road closed. The end. But there didn't seem to be a reason for the road to be closed. There was no construction, and in fact other cars were driving down the very road we wanted to go down. When my wife mentioned this to the police officer, she got yelled at, which made her very angry.
To make a long story short, we couldn't get through no matter which way we went, so we finally parked several blocks away from church and decided to walk the rest of the way. Two blocks from church we discovered, up close and personal, the reason for all of the street closures. Away to my iPhone I flew like a flash. Switched over to "camera" mode (video, no flash). And what to my wondering eyes should appear? Well, I'll just post the video. Watch it right here.
Millions and millions of Santas. A Santa stampede. And that's why I was late to church. It's a good thing I got the video, or you'd never believe me.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Take Your Kids To The Muppets
I try not to shamelessly plug things that I like all the time, which is why I try only to rail against things that I hate, and to never write tribute songs about my favorite beverage, but I worry that there might be a family out there that is not planning on taking their children to see the best family movie I have seen in a long time that doesn't have a Pixar short in front of it. Oh wait, it does.
In order to be fair, I will list everything, good and bad, about the new movie, so that you can make up your own mind, but I highly recommend seeing it. Whether or not you have kids is irrelevant.
Oh, by the way, SPOILER ALERT!
THE GOOD
There is a Pixar short in front of it! A Toy Story short! It is hilarious, and Jane Lynch is in it. I would go see "Twilight: Breaking Bad, Part 7" if it had a Pixar Toy Story short in front of it!
THE BAD
After listening to the soundtrack 87 times in the last week, I have discovered that there was a back story to the villain that was cut from the film, letting us know that he hated the Muppets because he did not know how to laugh. This explains why bad-guy Tex Richman instead says the words "maniacal laugh" every time he wants to laugh. This was clear to me by the end of the film, but the first time he did it, I thought he was just instructing his henchmen to laugh maniacally, perhaps because he was so rich he had people to laugh for him. A minor quibble, but I just thought you should know.
THE GOOD
OMG the soundtrack! The songs are written by Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords, and the film is directed by James Bobin, who directed the Conchords' television show, and you can really tell. I left the theater pretty sure that "Man or Muppet" was my favorite song, and the most Conchordy, but after listening to the awesome rap by Chris Cooper, I felt sure that either the Rhymenoceros or the Hip-Hopopotamus could have sung it and been believable. That being said, Ruby's favorite song is definitely "Me Party," and the song I find myself putting on the most is the big opening number, "Life's a Happy Song." It's so Muppety, so funny, so....good!
THE BAD
After the movie-long plotline about Animal's rehabilitation from drumming, I was waiting for, and expecting ,a huge drum number finale for him to go crazy on. "Rainbow Connection" was not it. It is just too mellow of a jam. I mean, he rocked the drums, don't get me wrong, but I would have liked to see him go crazy on a slightly peppier song.
THE GOOD
"The Muppets" is perfect for all ages. Edward, who is 1, loved it. Yeah, he fidgeted around a bit and we had to move him to a seat that had no one in front of it so he wouldn't bonk them, but he still loved the movie. Ruby, who is 4, can't stop talking about it, and we have had the soundtrack on repeat ever since we got home from the theater. And me, my wife, my mother-in-law, and my brother and sisters in law all loved it as well. There are plenty of jokes for adults, as well as the kids. A perfect example is the use of chickens sing that naughty Cee-Lo song. The adults figure out quickly the "Cluck You" joke, and the kids just hear a bunch of chickens clucking along to a happy tune. Brilliant!
THE BAD
When they rebuild/clean the old theater up, they do it to "We Built This City," by Starship. Now, I love that song as embarrassingly much as you do, but it would have been the perfect spot for an Electric Mayhem blow out. Some of my favorite songs in the previous movies have been when Dr. Teeth and company let loose on some awesome rock and roll, and we never got that in this movie. "Can You Picture That?" "Night Life" "You Can't Take No For An Answer" "........" See? There should have been something there besides Starship.
THE GOOD
"The Muppets" is absolutely respectful of all the old traditions, while updating the feel for a new generation. The things that people like Frank Oz are complaining about are silly. He doesn't like Fozzie's fart shoes, which are in the movie for one second, and are actually used as a way to show that the Muppets don't go there. They are looking for acts and when Fozzie breaks out his fart shoes, they all groan and shoot him down. Perfect for a bear who loves whoopie cushions, rubber chickens, and any other form of lowbrow comedy. And the fact that Kermit lives in a mansion instead of the swamp? Well, "The Muppet Movie" was sort of the story of how he got out of the swamp. He signed the standard "rich and famous" contract. It only makes sense that he would wind up with the other rich and famous folk. The important thing is that his character was unchanged, and he was the same humble and unassuming frog that we all knew and loved.
The movie is already a success. It more than made back its budget in the opening Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm sure we will see more Muppety things on the horizon, and that's great. I just wanted to let you all know that if you are looking for a movie to see with your kids, this is the movie for you. If you are looking for a movie to see with all of your adult friends, this is the movie for you. And if you are looking for a movie to take your teenagers to, well, tell them that "The Muppets" has Selena Gomez in it.
In order to be fair, I will list everything, good and bad, about the new movie, so that you can make up your own mind, but I highly recommend seeing it. Whether or not you have kids is irrelevant.
Oh, by the way, SPOILER ALERT!
THE GOOD
There is a Pixar short in front of it! A Toy Story short! It is hilarious, and Jane Lynch is in it. I would go see "Twilight: Breaking Bad, Part 7" if it had a Pixar Toy Story short in front of it!
THE BAD
After listening to the soundtrack 87 times in the last week, I have discovered that there was a back story to the villain that was cut from the film, letting us know that he hated the Muppets because he did not know how to laugh. This explains why bad-guy Tex Richman instead says the words "maniacal laugh" every time he wants to laugh. This was clear to me by the end of the film, but the first time he did it, I thought he was just instructing his henchmen to laugh maniacally, perhaps because he was so rich he had people to laugh for him. A minor quibble, but I just thought you should know.
THE GOOD
OMG the soundtrack! The songs are written by Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords, and the film is directed by James Bobin, who directed the Conchords' television show, and you can really tell. I left the theater pretty sure that "Man or Muppet" was my favorite song, and the most Conchordy, but after listening to the awesome rap by Chris Cooper, I felt sure that either the Rhymenoceros or the Hip-Hopopotamus could have sung it and been believable. That being said, Ruby's favorite song is definitely "Me Party," and the song I find myself putting on the most is the big opening number, "Life's a Happy Song." It's so Muppety, so funny, so....good!
THE BAD
After the movie-long plotline about Animal's rehabilitation from drumming, I was waiting for, and expecting ,a huge drum number finale for him to go crazy on. "Rainbow Connection" was not it. It is just too mellow of a jam. I mean, he rocked the drums, don't get me wrong, but I would have liked to see him go crazy on a slightly peppier song.
THE GOOD
"The Muppets" is perfect for all ages. Edward, who is 1, loved it. Yeah, he fidgeted around a bit and we had to move him to a seat that had no one in front of it so he wouldn't bonk them, but he still loved the movie. Ruby, who is 4, can't stop talking about it, and we have had the soundtrack on repeat ever since we got home from the theater. And me, my wife, my mother-in-law, and my brother and sisters in law all loved it as well. There are plenty of jokes for adults, as well as the kids. A perfect example is the use of chickens sing that naughty Cee-Lo song. The adults figure out quickly the "Cluck You" joke, and the kids just hear a bunch of chickens clucking along to a happy tune. Brilliant!
THE BAD
When they rebuild/clean the old theater up, they do it to "We Built This City," by Starship. Now, I love that song as embarrassingly much as you do, but it would have been the perfect spot for an Electric Mayhem blow out. Some of my favorite songs in the previous movies have been when Dr. Teeth and company let loose on some awesome rock and roll, and we never got that in this movie. "Can You Picture That?" "Night Life" "You Can't Take No For An Answer" "........" See? There should have been something there besides Starship.
THE GOOD
"The Muppets" is absolutely respectful of all the old traditions, while updating the feel for a new generation. The things that people like Frank Oz are complaining about are silly. He doesn't like Fozzie's fart shoes, which are in the movie for one second, and are actually used as a way to show that the Muppets don't go there. They are looking for acts and when Fozzie breaks out his fart shoes, they all groan and shoot him down. Perfect for a bear who loves whoopie cushions, rubber chickens, and any other form of lowbrow comedy. And the fact that Kermit lives in a mansion instead of the swamp? Well, "The Muppet Movie" was sort of the story of how he got out of the swamp. He signed the standard "rich and famous" contract. It only makes sense that he would wind up with the other rich and famous folk. The important thing is that his character was unchanged, and he was the same humble and unassuming frog that we all knew and loved.
The movie is already a success. It more than made back its budget in the opening Thanksgiving weekend, so I'm sure we will see more Muppety things on the horizon, and that's great. I just wanted to let you all know that if you are looking for a movie to see with your kids, this is the movie for you. If you are looking for a movie to see with all of your adult friends, this is the movie for you. And if you are looking for a movie to take your teenagers to, well, tell them that "The Muppets" has Selena Gomez in it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The Difference Between Relative Fat and Actual Fat
Last night, as I was explaining to someone my many reasons for attempting to give up Coca-Cola, I was told that I was not fat. In fact, people are always telling me that I am not fat when I tell them that I would like to lose weight. That is when I have to point out the difference between being relatively fat, and being actually fat.
Prepare yourself people, because I am going to now reveal some personal information to you regarding my specific fatness, or "weight" as some people call it. When I was in high school I was around 175 pounds, and being 5'11", this seemed fine, but I was actually very thin for my frame. I am not a slight person in the best of times, and my big ol' head probably adds 25 extra pounds to whatever I'm supposed to be at. Suffice it to say that when I went to college and gained 10 pounds, I looked normal and healthy.
I stayed at around 185 throughout college, and after I graduated I slowly gained more and more weight until I had gained over 50 pounds, my highest weight clocking in at 238. So the question was, "Am I fat?" And the answer was actually yes, but relatively no.
You see, the actual healthy weight for my height, as recommended by doctors, is between 144 and 183. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I will always be on the upper end of that, but that being said, if I am much over 185, I am too fat. You cannot contest that, or wiggle around that. You can try to rationalize it, and you can give it a plus or minus 3% for a margin of error (but honestly there is already a pretty big margin of error built right in there), but even then you can only really get to about 190 before you have to accept that you are overweight.
So I changed my habits. I am giving up soda. I started eating breakfast. I don't eat after 8 pm. I stop eating when I am full. I have lost 15 pounds. I am currently at 223. This is good. This is progress, but I still have a ways to go. About 35 more pounds to be exact. And this is what I tell people when they say how not-fat I am. But the problem is, everyone else is fat!
I am relatively skinny. Most of the people I know are overweight, and more overweight than me. Of course one cannot really bring that up in polite conversation, and I do know some actually skinny people, but overall I do not look as fat as many Americans these days, even though 30 years ago I would have been considered a small planetoid.
So this is just a note to say, if you are judging your fitness based on the people around you, you might be kidding yourself, as I was for many years. You may in fact be fat. I know, I know, this is not a nice thing to say, but I am saying it for your own good. It actually feels good to be a little healthier, and I certainly don't miss those 15 pounds. Once I actually find some time to exercise, I might even lose those other 35 that have been hanging around. So do your future self a favor and lose the gut, even if it is smaller than the Joneses.
Prepare yourself people, because I am going to now reveal some personal information to you regarding my specific fatness, or "weight" as some people call it. When I was in high school I was around 175 pounds, and being 5'11", this seemed fine, but I was actually very thin for my frame. I am not a slight person in the best of times, and my big ol' head probably adds 25 extra pounds to whatever I'm supposed to be at. Suffice it to say that when I went to college and gained 10 pounds, I looked normal and healthy.
I stayed at around 185 throughout college, and after I graduated I slowly gained more and more weight until I had gained over 50 pounds, my highest weight clocking in at 238. So the question was, "Am I fat?" And the answer was actually yes, but relatively no.
You see, the actual healthy weight for my height, as recommended by doctors, is between 144 and 183. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I will always be on the upper end of that, but that being said, if I am much over 185, I am too fat. You cannot contest that, or wiggle around that. You can try to rationalize it, and you can give it a plus or minus 3% for a margin of error (but honestly there is already a pretty big margin of error built right in there), but even then you can only really get to about 190 before you have to accept that you are overweight.
So I changed my habits. I am giving up soda. I started eating breakfast. I don't eat after 8 pm. I stop eating when I am full. I have lost 15 pounds. I am currently at 223. This is good. This is progress, but I still have a ways to go. About 35 more pounds to be exact. And this is what I tell people when they say how not-fat I am. But the problem is, everyone else is fat!
I am relatively skinny. Most of the people I know are overweight, and more overweight than me. Of course one cannot really bring that up in polite conversation, and I do know some actually skinny people, but overall I do not look as fat as many Americans these days, even though 30 years ago I would have been considered a small planetoid.
So this is just a note to say, if you are judging your fitness based on the people around you, you might be kidding yourself, as I was for many years. You may in fact be fat. I know, I know, this is not a nice thing to say, but I am saying it for your own good. It actually feels good to be a little healthier, and I certainly don't miss those 15 pounds. Once I actually find some time to exercise, I might even lose those other 35 that have been hanging around. So do your future self a favor and lose the gut, even if it is smaller than the Joneses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)