Sonnet Parables

Well, it had to happen.  After Limerick Parables and Haiku Parables, it was either this, or Epic Verse Parables, and I don't have that kind of time.

1) A man set out upon a journey long
    Unknowingly he walked into a trap.
    By bandits he was quickly set upon
    And out of him, they quickly beat the crap.
    The man lay bleeding, dying in a ditch.
    A priest walked by, but offered him no aid.
    Then this Levite (what a little bitch)
    Saw the man, but left him where he layed.
    Only one would stop and save this man.
    Shout it out! The Good Samaritan!



2) Dearest father, grant me this request.
    Give me half your money, land, and wealth.
    Yes, I know you're not dead, and we're blest
    But I can't wait for your failing health.
    I told him to keep what would be yours,
    and he gave to me what would be mine.
    So I blew it all on crack and whores.
    So I spent some time among the swine.
    Dad says I'm his son one and the same.
    Come on bro, let's party.  Don't be lame!


3) There was a shepherd living on a hill
    His only job: to watch over the sheep.
    If he'd been good he'd probably be there still
    What could happen to make him lose sleep?
    One hundred sheep were there upon the mount
    One hundred sheep he tended every day.
    But yesterday when he did make his count
    Twas clear that one small lamb had gone astray.
    Oh, does he search the mountain, sore and tired?
    Of course he does, or else he's getting fired.

4) In times of plenty, wealthy men must feast
    Let the cry arise throughout the land!
    Call the north, the south, the west and east
    A festival and banquet have been planned!
    All the invitations were returned?
    Each friend offers an excuse?
    Who am I to be so soundly spurned?
    Who am I, that all men should refuse?
    Call the poor, the lepers, to this place!
    And if my friends come, punch them in the face.


5) Twas told a legend of a pearl so fine
    To gaze upon it was to be made new.
    I knew if it was real, it would be mine.
    I knew exactly what I had to do.
    The pearl was found, but oh, the price was great.
    The cost was everything that I possessed.
    But, come this far, I did not hesitate.
    For this one thing I would trade all the rest.
    So that is how I got here, little girl.
    And for a buck I'll let you see the pearl.


6) If a man possess a garden small
    And he's got some enemies about,
    I would guess he ought to build a wall
    High enough to keep those people out.
    For example, if he sows some seeds
    Wheat, or something else that's good to eat,
    And his foes sneak in and plant some weeds,
    You can't yank the weeds without the wheat.
    At harvest time the weeds will all be burned,
    But next year, build that wall.  Haven't you learned?

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6

Ok, I need to stop eating at all these food trucks.  I haven't had a vegetable in weeks.  I think I am slowly congealing from the inside out.  But no!  I must continue on!  There are trucks out there serving food, and it is my mission to purchase and consume that food!  Only 6 left to go.....

17) Yvonne Yvonne
This one took me over to the Upper East Side, or, as I like to call it, Bizarro New York.  I spend all my time on the Upper West Side, so going over there was very disconcerting.  The streets all had the same names, the buildings looked similar, but it was all different!  Everything was just a little off.  I'm pretty sure it's an alternate universe.  Luckily, it was very easy to find Yvonne Yvonne, where I had some curried goat.  It was spicy, but not as spicy as the red beans and rice I also got.  Thank goodness I also got the mac and cheese, or my mouth would have burned off.

In other news, most of the goat that I got seemed to be goat bones.  Seriously like 60% of that stuff you see there is bones and other assorted non-edible goat pieces.  But the goat I did get was very good, and once I had finished it, I was off to find a dessert truck!

18) The Treats Truck
My governing food truck article mentioned cookies and the mexican chocolate brownies, which I got, and I also got an ice cream cone cupcake, because it looked delicious.  Where to start?  The first thing I tried was the cupcake, although it was probably (trying not to exaggerate here) 80% frosting.  Now, I love frosting.  Probably more than the next guy, but I thought I was going to die.  The whole cone was filled to the top with frosting, and you see what looks like a little ball shape on the top there?  That is the ball of cupcake.  Drenched in frosting.  It's all frosting.  Did I mention the frosting?  Anyway, I couldn't finish it all, and after that, I couldn't eat the other treats, so I took them home.

I had the cookie next.  OMFG!  That is a delicious cookie.  Definitely the best thing I had from them, and I wish I had gotten about two dozen of them, although then I could not wear my skinny jeans anymore.  Finally, I tried the mexican chocolate brownie.  Basically, it is a brownie with of a bunch of weird spices in it.  It wasn't really my thing, but if you are one of those people who like those spicy chocolate bars, or salted chocolate things, this would be the brownie for you.  Though I didn't finish it, I could tell it was a quality product.

19) El Rey Del Taco
This was my first non-Manhattan truck!  I was hanging out with my friend Claire, and accidentally ran into this truck on our way home late at night.  What luck!  I had just eaten Ethiopian food and a chocolate milkshake, but somehow I was still hungry for a sincronizada.  Don't know what that is?  Basically, it's two giant tortillas, ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato, more cheese, spice, and more cheese, all cooked up to delicious perfection.  If you want the sour cream or guac (which I never do) that is available as well.  Man, it was awesome.  Claire had some, and thought it was just ok, but she doesn't like tomatoes, and you really can't trust people that don't like tomatoes.  Trust me.  Go eat this.

So I have six trucks left.  I think I'm going to do it!  And then you will not have to read about all the things I've eaten anymore!  It's a win-win!  See you on the streets!

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7

 

Evicted

First of all, let me just say that I am eternally grateful to Simone's Uncle Kevin for letting me stay with him, free of charge, for 2 months.  The man even gives me quarters for my laundry, it's incredible!  So when I was temporarily evicted last night, it was with a happy heart.  Uncle Kevin's friend was passing through, and needed a place to stay, so of course he was offered a roof for the night.  But there is only one couch.  And apparently he snores loud enough that his next door neighbors need earplugs. (That is a true story, by the way)  So I decided to be evicted.

Uncle Kevin and I agreed that it would be for the best if I found another place to stay, just for the one night, so I called my favorite friend Claire, because I have slept on her couch before, and she likes my blog.  Of course she was thrilled to have me over, because she was going to an Ethiopian restaurant, and she thought it would be hilarious to watch me eat weird things with my hands, as she knows I hate food.  Well, the joke's on you Claire, cause I love Ethiopian food!  Ha!

Not only was I going to dinner with Claire, but also in attendance would be my number one fan JoAnne and her dad.  JoAnne was already cool with me because she had previously given me a Coke in another blog, and her dad was cool because I am also a dad, so we could talk about dad things, like how we don't want to hear our daughters talk about boys, and stuff like that.  So I arrived in "The Village" for dinner.  Now in case you are confused and think I ended up in a mediocre M. Night Shyamalan movie, "The Village" is a New York code word for a lot of different places.  Greenwich Village, the East Village, the West Village, I don't actually know where it was, but it was scary, because a dog was chasing me.

I got away from the dog (thank goodness it was a on a leash) and managed to get to the restaurant in time to eat lots of yummy food, all served on a giant crepe of some sort.  But soon the food was gone and it was time for dessert.  Man, I forget the name of the place we went, but it had the best pumpkin pie I've ever had!  If you ever go to that place, get the pie!  You know, the place with the pie...in the village....

Well, sadly my friends C Bear and J Dog had to get up early for work the next day (I guess that's today) so we all had to go home.  I tried to tell them that opera singers stay up until 2 am at least, but they tried to tell me that investment bankers do not, so we hopped on the subway to Queens.  You will never believe what we saw when we got off the train!  A FOOD TRUCK!

It was even one of the trucks on my list!  So I had to stop of course, but no spoilers.  You can read all about it in my next food truck blog.  we took it back to the apartment, and suffice it to say, it was delicious, and Claire and I stayed up all night giggling, because we are hilarious.  Although, I must say, once you get past midnight, everything is hilarious to me.  Claire made me promise not to tell you about her super slutty Halloween costume, so I will leave that to your imagination, but let me just say this: Thanks for letting me crash on your couch Claire.  :)

I'm back at Uncle Kevin's now, no longer evicted, which is nice, because his couch is longer than Claire's, but as they say, any couch in a storm.  Now I'm off to have more adventures, which I'm sure you will all hear about, as I am running out of things to blog about.  And now I need a catchy sign-off phrase.  Hmmmm.  I don't know.  Stan Lee already took "Excelsior!" so I can't use that.  And that's the way it is.

Subway Surfing

Big Cities are very boring places.  There is never anything going on, nowhere to go, and nothing to do.  Luckily, I have some tips for entertaining yourself in the vast metropolitan wasteland.  Today's fun activity: Subway Surfing.  If you are in D.C. this is called Metro Surfing, and if you are in Boston it is called T Surfing, and if you are on a beach in California or Hawaii, then screw you jerk!  Why don't you get a job?

One important tip to remember about public transportation is that, if you cannot spot the crazy person on the train/bus, then it is probably you.  In fact, you should make sure it's you, because other people leave crazy people alone.  Nobody mugs crazy people.  Who knows what they might do?  They might bite your ear off or something.  So it is important to establish yourself as the crazy person right away, before someone else gets that chance and starts yelling obscenities, or trying to grope the commuter women.  The best way to do this is Subway Surfing.

I started Subway Surfing in D.C. (or Metro Surfing, really) many years ago as a fun way to pass the time on those long train rides to work.  It's good exercise and can help improve your balance!  What you do, is ride the train standing up, without holding on to anything.  Sounds easy?  Well, sometimes it is, like when the train is not moving.  At other times, however, Subway Surfing can be very difficult.

As in regular surfing, the best position to stand in is a slightly crouched position, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.  You should extend your arms for balance, and I have found it is helpful to have your feet placed diagonally in respect to your torso, so as to better weather the side to side, as well as the back and forth motions of the waves, or "train."

To properly convey to the other passengers that you are not there for chit chat or being beaten up, but rather for participating in an important sporting event, you should always dress in proper attire.  First, you need your loud Hawaiian shorts, or "Jams."  Second, you will require fun waterproof beach shoes, or "Jellies."  And of course, you will need a skin tight wetsuit, or "Preserves."  Make sure to wear lots of sunscreen!

For the beginner, I would recommend starting at non-peak hours of train activity.  2 am is a wonderful time to begin your training.  However, as you progress, and you very rarely fly into the wall of the train as it slams its brakes on arbitrarily, you can move to commuter trains during rush hour.  The challenge here is the lack of space.  But don't worry!  If you lose your balance, there will be plenty of other soft passengers to keep you upright, should you wind up careening around the subway car like a pinball.

I hope you will all give this exciting sport a try, and that it will alleviate any of the boredom you face, having to live in a big city with tons of people doing fun things that you are not invited to.  And if anyone is interested in Team Subway Surfing, just drop me a line.

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5

This food truck scavenger hunt is actually going a lot better than I thought it would.  I have found 16 out of the 25 trucks.  I am definitely seeing parts of the city I would not have seen otherwise, but I still haven't been out of Manhattan.  One potential problem I foresee is that some of these trucks just aren't where they are supposed to be.  It's possible I have just gone on the wrong days and at the wrong times, but I have looked for the dang Steak Truck three times now, and it has never been where it ought to be.

14) Schnitzel & Things
After chasing the Schnitzel Truck down the street, I finally caught up with it when Simone was visiting.  Simone makes schnitzel all the time, so I thought this would be a good truck for us to find together.  Well, we found it all right.  We also found a line snaking all the way around the block.  I had never, in my past 13 food trucks, seen more than 4 or 5 people in a line.  We figured this must be some good schnitzel.  We also figured that the line would move.  We were wrong.  Not about the Schnitzel, the schnitzel was excellent.  It was probably my favorite food truck item so far.  However, it took us over 45 minutes to get it.  Now look, I don't have a real job or anything, so what do I know, but it seems to me that people on an hour lunch break would not want to spend 45 minutes of it standing in line at a food truck.  Isn't that the point of street food?  Fast, easy, possibly delicious?  We could have gone to a restaurant, and been sitting for 45 minutes waiting for our food, instead of standing on a bust street corner being heckled by passersby who felt that we were stupid to wait in such a long line for schnitzel.

 

Let me tell you, if I hadn't been on a scavenger hunt, I would not have waited.  But I was on a scavenger hunt, and I did wait, and I loved my schnitzel.  I would go there over and over again, but not during the lunch rush I guess.  Well, Simone came and went, and soon I was hungry again, as it had been several days since my last food truck.  Luckily my next truck had several things going for it: I did not have to chase it, it was hyperbolicious, and there was no line.

15) World's Best Sandwich

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the world's best sandwich!  Actually, it was not the best sandwich I have ever had.  It was the third best sandwich I have ever had.  So that's pretty good, really.  It is certainly the best sandwich I have had in New York.  Now, I know different people like different things, but me, I hate food where it is mostly normal and then someone sticks something random in and calls it "upscale."  For instance, the other day I went with my singing colleagues to Tom Colicchio's restaurant 'wichcraft.  I did not enjoy it all.  For example, you cannot get a ham and cheese sandwich at 'wichcraft.  You can get a ham and cheese and PEAR sandwich.  And what if you want a traditional, good old fashioned goat cheese sandwich?  Oh no!  You can only get your goat cheese sandwich with avocado, celery and walnut pesto!  Ridiculous!  But at the World's Best Sandwich truck, my chicken salad sandwich came with chicken and mayo.  YUM-A-RUM!

 

They even asked if I wanted lettuce and tomato!  Which of course I did, as these are proper things to put on a sandwich.  Walnut pesto indeed!  Hmph!  After I left the truck, I spent the next hour looking for the Berry Fro Yo truck, which I didn't really want to find at first, because I don't like frozen yogurt, and I certainly don't like "tangy, unsweetened frozen yogurt," as is advertised.  But the more I could not find them, the more I wanted to eat their yogurt.  Must be a marketing strategy.

16) Cravings

The Cravings truck is Vietnamese food, which I don't think I've ever had before, but I don't remember a lot of the things I've done, so who knows?  Everyone on foursquare recommended the #2, which was a fried pork chop over rice with pork sauce.  It was pretty darn good.  The pork sauce was excellent, and the fried pork chop was a minefield of deliciousness and terror.  The only issue here being that they really just fry the dang pork chop, so it is still full of bones and other assorted piggy items that were always a surprise in my mouth (that's what she said).

I definitely enjoyed it.  The line was an appropriate 4-5 people long, the service was quick, and I made it to my rehearsal on time (barely).  Now I have nine trucks to go.  I specifically can't find 3 of them, but that gives me a good six to get started on whilst I try and research where the heck the Steak Truck went.  And also, wouldn't Steaktruck be a good name for a baby?

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7

 

The Last Rehearsal

This is it people. The beginning of the end. Today was our last rehearsal for A Quiet Place. Tomorrow is opening night. Before I know it I'll be in Vermont and my time in New York will be a distant, smelly memory. It feels like I've been here forever, and I'm really looking forward to seeing my children again.

We were called over the weekend and told that our last rehearsal would be a four hour notes session, and not actually music or staging. This was odd, because the show is only three hours long, so even if they went through the entire show it shouldn't take four hours, right? Hmmmmm. Suspicious.

Well, we believed them, and we stumbled into the theater in our jeans and sneakers, some of us just out of bed perhaps, and plopped ourselves down in preparation for a very long session of notes on the dress rehearsal. But suddenly, out of nowhere......

SURPRISE!

The director has decided that we should do a full run of the show the day before the opening. Well, let me just tell you, the cast was thrilled. It's always more exciting to sing a big opera without warming up and dressed for a flag football game.

So we ran the show. No one really sang much, but we at least got to go through the blocking, which was helpful. Folding chairs were thrown, arias were lip-synched, and a good time was had by all. And that's it. No more rehearsals. Huh. Feels like I just got here.

Baby Names for the Evil or Stupid

I have compiled here a handy list of baby names for people who do not like their babies and wish to saddle them with horrible monikers that will follow them cruelly for the rest of their lives.  There are 5 main categories of terrible names, and they are as follows:

1) Naming Your Children After Alcohol
My mother has had dealings with a bunch of random children recently, one of them being named Alizé.  Why would you do this?  Do you want your child to start drinking when they are 11?  This is evil/stupid of you.  Even if you call him "Buddy", eventually, when he goes to school, your son Budweiser is going to figure out what you did.  Other bad names in this category, even though they are very pretty, are "Tequila," "Margarita," "Daiquiri," "Ginny," and "Appletini."  On a related side note, if your last name is Daniels, then naming your son Jack is as bad as if you named your daughter "Sexonthebeach."

2) Making Up a Name By Combining Random Words
I can't believe this even has to be a category, but Alizé has a brother who's first name is Geraldriver.  One word, no space.  Geraldriver.  They call him River.  I feel that this falls more into the stupid category though.  No one could have possibly MEANT to name someone that.  It was probably a typo.  Parents: please make sure on the form that you leave a space between names, and check to make sure there maybe isn't a separate spot for middle names.  And if it was intentional, then God help us all.  Other names to avoid in this category are "Phillipdumpster," "Ericrainbow," and "Engelberthumperdinck."


3) Naming Your Children After Things You Like
I once knew a girl called Aquanetta.  That's not a name, that's a hairspray!  Also, before you get started, there is no one named Lemonjello or Orangejello, they are not brothers and you have not met them.  You probably have a friend who says they've met them, and you yourself may have lied about meeting them, but you haven't.  Neither has your friend.  Unless there are hundreds of brothers with those names that went to tons of neighboring high schools with friends of friends of mine from all over the country, this is an urban legend.  Sorry to disappoint you.  But Aquanetta was real.  Other names you might want to avoid are "KFCelia," "Cocacollette," "Wal*Marsha," and "Icantbelieveitsnotbryan."

4) Naming Your Children After Famous Characters and Celebrities
We all remember the poor fate of Michael Bolton in Office Space, doomed because someone with his name became famous.  This is not what I am talking about.  If your name is Harry Potter and you are 50 years old, tough break, dude.  But if your name is Harry Potter and you are 7?  Your parents must have read this list.  And then, I suppose, traveled back in time and named you.  Regardless, this is no laughing matter.  I almost had a nephew named Gandalf Dumbledore.  Believe me, as much as I WANTED to name my son "Spider-Man," my wife would not let me.  So it is not my fault that he does not match the bathroom.  Other good names to ruin your children with are "Aslan," "Chewbacca," "Carrie Bradshaw," and "Rigoletto."

5) Pretending to Make Up a New Name By Messing With the Spelling
Last but certainly not least, if you are evil and/or stupid and wish for your child to become a stripper, by all means, start switching around vowels in their names.  Perhaps you like the name "Ashley," but feel that it is not slutty enough.  Just spell it "Ashli" and, tada!, you have made up a new name.  No, no, seriously, I'm just kidding.  You didn't make up a new name, nor is it unique.  Your kid is still named "Ashley."  It sounds the same.  It's the same name, it just makes her seem less intelligent on paper.  And also, fifty other parents just had the same evil idea you did.  But wait, what to do with all the extra "y"s now floating around?  No problem, plenty of other new parents want the same effect, but with different names.  You can trade!  You need an "i" and have an extra '"y" do you?  Well, somebody somewhere just decided that Jessica wasn't skanky enough.  No, they want a daughter named Jessyca.  Give them your "y" for their "i" and problem solved!  Other popular stripped names based on actual names are "Rylee," "Jordyn," "Jazmyn," "Karli," and "Alyxyndra."

Now, please let me be very clear here.  If you have one of these names, I am not judging you in any way.  It's not your fault.  And if you have children with one of these names, well.....there's still a CHANCE that they will not turn out to be strippers, but keep a close eye out.

Cash or Credit?

I am here today to discuss a subject near and dear to my heart.  I am referring, of course, to money.  Money is the ultimate frenemy.  You like it, maybe you even love it, but boy do you hate it.  It can turn on you in an instant, without warning.  You know this, and that is why you and money have never been BFFs, even though secretly you hope that, maybe in another life, money would be a little nicer to you and not say those things about you behind your back.  My point is, let's talk about money.

Specifically, I would like to discuss an interesting phenomenon here in New York.  When I lived in Baltimore, I never carried cash.  I hated cash.  Cash was inconvenient.  Cash was germy and smelly.  Cash made my wallet too fat to close.  Cash had pictures of presidents on it with little moustaches drawn on.  It was rare for me to even have a dollar on my person.  Why?  Because you didn't need it.  Everyone took my debit card.  I can't think of a restaurant or shop that didn't take credit or debit.  If such a shop existed, it would quickly go out of business, because no one would be able to pay for their stuff.  It's so much easier to carry one or two cards and pay for everything that way.

In Manhattan, just the opposite is true.  Nobody will take my card.  Everything is cash only here.  It's ridiculous!  I've walked out of several places in a huff when I was told they only took cash money.  'Hmph!' I thought to myself, 'They will be out of business soon and then I will stand over their boarded up grave and laugh!'  But then I went to places that did take my card, and noticed something else.  Everyone was paying with cash anyway!  People in New York carry cash around with them!  No wonder everyone is getting mugged!  I went into one place, specifically because they had a Visa sticker on their window, and when I handed them my card I got a dirty look.  Then the guy suddenly stopped speaking English and handed my card to his manager.  I got another dirty look, and then he took my card, after adding a $1.00 fee for using a card (without asking me, by the way) and kept asking me if I was sure I really didn't have any cash on me.  Oh, silly me!  My shoe appears to be filled with $20 bills!  How could I have not noticed this before now?!

So I have no idea what the moral of this story is, other than, if you come to New York, bring giant wads of cash stuffed all over your person, and if you go to Baltimore, only stuff yourself with cash wads if you are planning on visiting a hot dog cart.  I guess it just goes to show how culturally different the various parts of our country still are, even with a McDonalds and a Starbucks on every corner.  At least those guys will take my card.

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4

Man, those first food trucks were easy compared to what I was up against now.  The low hanging fruit had been plucked from the branches, and it was time to climb farther up the food truck tree.  I was excited about my new plan of trying to pair a meal truck with a dessert truck.  I checked my list, I signed into twitter, got the locations of two likely trucks, and I was off.

11) The Brothers L&C Latin Fast Food
I took the subway down to Union Square, where I found, nearby, a yummy looking truck full of latin food.  The list told me that the tacos were the best, and there were three different kinds, so I got one of each.  Beef, Chicken, Pork.

They were all good, but I liked the beef the best. There was no time for resting on my latin laurels, however. I had dessert to find, and if the name of the truck was any indication, it was going to be an experience.

12) The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck
The first thing I have to say about The Big Gay Ice Cream Truck is that it is by far the smallest truck I have found so far.  It was not the size of the truck that was big, but rather the gayness of the truck, and also the ice creaminess that was deliciously big.  When I first arrived at the truck, the vendor told me was having a "Mommie Dearest" moment, with himself.  After a bit of hilarious crashing around, he was ready to take my order.  I decided on the "Bea Arthur," which is vanilla soft serve, and then he took a bottle of caramel and injected it into the ice cream and finally drizzled it all over the outside.  To top it all off, it was rolled in crushed 'Nilla Wafers.  Words cannot express how yummy this is.

This, so far, is the one truck I would go back to over and over, not only for the food, but for the fun and energy of the truck.  I give it two yums up!  I went after some other trucks, to no avail, but finally did find another truck on a day with no morning rehearsals.  I took a subway down to midtown, this time allowing more time than necessary for finding it, but I was derailed on the way and had to stop by my friend Claire's office to drop off a ticket for her.  Luckily I still had time (barely) to get to the truck.

13) Bistro Truck
Bistro Truck was not too hard to find, and after purchasing the recommended sandwich of tuna, mortadella, hard boiled egg, veggies, and french fries, I hopped in a cab.  This was a good sandwich.  The only issue I had was that "mixed veggies" basically meant olives, and I think I have a slight allergy to olives.  I've only had them three times, but each time I felt really sick afterward, and this was no exception.  Oh well.  It was still a good (if sneaky) sandwich.

 

So I am now more than halfway through my list.  I feel like I might make it.  Maybe I will find all the food trucks.  My new challenge will be that some of the trucks are not in Manhattan.  I'm about to extend my circle of delicious exploration.  Watch out Brooklyn!

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7

A Day in the Life 2

The second post that I ever wrote here was called A Day in the Life, and  it was the story of a typical day in life of a Tenor Dad.  But that was when I was mostly a Dad.  Now that I am mostly a Tenor, it occurs to me that you might be interested in knowing what goes on in during a typical day as an opera singer in New York City.  So here goes.

It was a Tuesday morning, around 8 am, and I was sleeping.  Then it was a Tuesday morning, around 9 am, and I was sleeping.  10 am?  Yup, still sleeping.  Ah, the life of an opera singer.  I finally managed to drag myself out of couch at around 10:30 and take a shower.  I did mention that I am sleeping on a couch, didn't I?  While in New York, I am staying with Simone's Uncle Kevin.  He is super awesome for letting me stay here, and also super hilarious, because all he does is work.  He has no, internet, no cable TV, no computer, nothing.  I am lucky there is electricity and running water.  Last night he said "You know young kids, always taking about TV.  Some people know every show that is on TV!  They know all the characters, and everything!  I've never even SEEN Dancing with the Wolves!"

So I got out of the shower, got dressed, and got out my iPhone to look at the picture of the day's schedule which I had snapped the day before.  It said rehearsal was at 1:30.  Perfect.  Plenty of time.  It was now around 11, so I updated my blog and then reviewed my food truck list.  There are several food trucks on the list that are only open for lunch, and only open far away from Lincoln Center, but today I had no morning rehearsal.  The perfect chance to go find a far off food truck.

I decided on the Schnitzel Truck, and checked their twitter feed.  It said they had just opened up at 47th and 5th.  I could just make it there, have lunch, and be back for rehearsal.  Wonderful.  I hopped on the subway and before I knew it, I was walking towards the Schnitzel Truck.  When I got there, the truck was all closed up, but there were people around eating schnitzel.  Hmmmmm.  Maybe they were on a break?  I walked up to the truck to ask them about it, just as the truck pulled away from the curb and drove away.  So I ran out into the street in hot pursuit.

So there I am yelling and chasing the Schnitzel Truck down the street, when I come to the sad conclusion that I am not, in fact, faster than a speeding Schnitzel Truck.  I am sad.  I am confused.  I am hungry.  I check their twitter feed again, and it has been updated 6 seconds ago to say: "Cops are shutting us down. We are forced to move. Right in the middle of lunch service."  I check my list, and Steak Truck is supposed to be just a few blocks away.  I'm really cutting it close on time now, but I think I can make it if I run.  So I run.


Steak Truck is nowhere to be found.  I looked everywhere.  Now I have 45 minutes to make it to rehearsal and I am very far away.  I run until I find a subway and jump on.  For some reason I think to myself that the 59th street stop will be closer to the stage door of the Koch Theater than the Lincoln Center stop, so I get off.  This is not true.  Despite all my logic to the contrary, the Lincoln Center stop turns out to be much closer to Lincoln Center than the 59th street stop.  Now I am really running, looking anywhere for food.  Please, a Subway, a Chipotle, a freaking hot dog cart, anything!


I arrive at the theater with no food and only four minutes to spare.  So I go in and start asking colleagues if they have any food.  I manage to get some peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets and a piece of candied coconut.  Then I sit back and watch the principal cast run the show with the orchestra.  Of course I have seen it before, many times, so this is not that interesting at this point, although it is always nice to hear the orchestra.


After a dinner break (finally, some real food!) I go back to watch another run of the show, this time on stage, with lots of stopping and starting so they can check lights, sound, etc.  Luckily I have downloaded the Carcassonne app on my iPhone, so the cover cast takes turns playing their turns when their counterparts are not singing on stage.  an exciting life to be sure.


The rehearsal finishes at 10:45 and I start the walk back to Uncle Kevin's.  I get home around 11:15 and turn on the TV.  Uncle Kevin is already sleeping, so I get my computer out, blog a little, play games a little, and sometime after midnight (or 1 am, I don't remember, it was late) shut everything down and get ready for couch.  Sweet, sweet couch.

I'm Famous!

I have an early rehearsal, and then my wife is coming into town (Hooray!), so a quick story for today.

Yesterday I went to give my friend Claire a ticket to the A Quiet Place dress rehearsal, which is tomorrow at 2 pm.  I had never been to her office, so after a terrifying elevator ride up 57 floors (I'm not really scared of elevators, but that is a lot of floors...) I walked into the reception area and started chatting with the receptionist until Claire could come out and meet me.  She is an awesome receptionist.  First of all, she gave me a Coke, and second of all, well, what else do you need in a receptionist anyway?  Free Coke!

So when Claire came out to get her ticket she introduced me properly to her receptionist friend, and I bid them adieu, because, as I told them, I had a food truck to find, and not much time to find it.  At the mention of blogging about food trucks, the receptionist's eyes widened and she said "Oh my god, YOU'RE Tenor Dad?  Your blog is so funny!"

Yo, I'm famous, beeyotches!

And thanks for showing your co-workers my blog, Claire.

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3

Armed with my new strategy of hitting as many trucks at a time as I could, I headed off to rehearsal, having discovered an intriguing piece of information.  Tavern on the Green, which had closed down following bankruptcy, was reopening last weekend, and they had added an outdoor food court.  Basically that meant food trucks, and it was right on my way to Lincoln Center.  I knew that at least one truck I was looking for was there, because they had tweeted about it, so off I went.

7) Van Leeuwen
I know that I should not eat dessert first, but my lunch came in a box and a bag, and my dessert came in a bowl with a spoon, so I had no choice.  Plus it was melting.  Van Leeuwen is an ice cream truck, but to call it "ice cream" is like calling  caviar "eggs."  I got the pumpkin pie ice cream, which actually tasted like pumpkin and/or pie, not like most pumpkin flavored season items, which generally taste like pumpkin pie spices and sugar.

So far, this is the only truck I have been back to twice.  The second time I got the mint chocolate chip, but it was too dark to take a picture.  I'm glad I went back.   I liked the mint even better than the pumpkin.  Of course, even though this was the first thing I ate that night, it was not the first truck I found.

8) The Rickshaw Dumpling Bar Truck
Found first, but eaten second, these were some good dumplings.  I got the chicken and thai basil dumplings, as recommended by the list, and then I got a little salad thingy over there with a ginger dressing of some sort.  Like I said at the beginning of all this, this is not a food blog.

The food was very yummy, that is my final review, and I can't say where I've had better dumplings.  I was very happy to have found two of my trucks sitting next to each other in central park, and I had a good lunch.  But after the next day out, I decided to rethink my strategy.


9) Frites 'N' Meats
I found two more trucks parked in the same area, and took off walking for another eclectic lunch.  I got another grass fed angus burger from the Frites 'N' Meats truck, and by golly, it was delicious.  I liked it even better than my burger from La Cense Beef truck.  Two thumbs way up for this burger!

But here was the problem.  It completely filled me up.  I started walking to the next truck wondering how I was even going to eat another food item.  And of course I really couldn't.  I made a new rule: No two meal trucks in one meal.  It was not fair to the second truck.  Also, it was kind of a waste of money.  This would not stop me from pairing a dumpling truck with an ice cream truck, as worked out so well the day before, but I just can't eat two giant burgers in a row.  Maybe back in college....


10) Moshe's Falafel
Anyway, full of burger, I reached my second truck of the day.  I had never had a falafel before.  I didn't even know what a falafel was.  Actually, now that I've had one, I still don't know what a falafel is.  What I got was a pita bread filled with lettuce, tomato, some sort of sauce, and fried balls of something or other.  I guess that was the falafel part?  Or is the whole sandwich called a falafel?  I have no idea.

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It was pretty good, but as I mentioned, I was too full to really enjoy it.  I got through about a third of it, having eaten one of my three balls of fried, and had to toss the rest.  From now on, one truck at a time.  That's 15 trucks left, and 30 days to do it.  No problem, right?

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7

Broadway Reviews

Here are my personal reviews of all the shows currently running on Broadway:

A Little Night Music - Haven't seen it.


The Addams Family - Haven't seen it, but I sure hope it has at least one MC Hammer song in it.

American Idiot - Haven't seen it, but my friend Katie saw it and said it was not very good, so I guess, depending on whether or not you trust Katie, you can, well, just make up your own mind.

Billy Elliot - Haven't seen it, but I did see the movie, which I hated.  I couldn't understand anything they were saying until about 2/3 of the way through, but mostly it was boring dancing.  I would assume the musical is similar, but maybe easier to understand?

Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson - Haven't seen it.

Brief Encounter - Haven't seen it.

Chicago - Haven't seen it, but I did see the movie, AND I saw the stage production in DC about 43,000 years ago, and it was pretty good, so this one is a good bet!

Driving Miss Daisy - Haven't seen it, nor have I seen the movie.  This one's a rental.

Fela! - Haven't seen it, but someone from the A Quiet Place cast went and said it was incredible, but if you look up the actual definition of incredible, that could go either way.

In the Heights - Haven't seen it.

Jersey Boys - Haven't seen it, but I have the soundtrack on my iPod.  I do love oldies.  (Don't tell my parents that they are oldies)

La Bete - Haven't seen it.

La Cage Aux Folles - Haven't seen it, but I saw the movie The Birdcage which was really funny.  Hey, wait a minute!  Why are all these shows based on movies?  Hmmmm.....

The Lion King - I rest my case.

Lombardi - Haven't seen it.

Mamma Mia! - Haven't seen it, although I have seen both the movie and the stage show in DC, so I probably could say I have seen it and not be lying too much.  So let's just say that I've seen it.  Here is my review: When the best part of the show is the dance party megamix at the end, your show may have a problem.

Mary Poppins - Stop it movies!

Memphis - Haven't seen it, but at least it is not based on a movie.

The Merchant of Venice - Haven't seen it.  Who wrote it?

Million Dollar Quartet - Haven't seen it.

Mrs. Warren's Profession - Haven't seen it, but it sounds dirty.  Two thumbs up.

Next to Normal - Haven't seen it.

The Phantom of the Opera - Haven't seen it, but I saw the show in Baltimore a few years ago, and the Phantom seemed kind of wussy.  Hopefully this one has a manlier Phantom.

The Pitmen Painters - Haven't seen it.

Promises, Promises - Haven't seen it.

Rain: A Tribute to the Beatles - Haven't seen it.  Why is it called rain?  Did the Beatles write a lot of songs about the rain?  It should be called Reign.

Rock of Ages - Haven't seen it, but a bunch of people told me it was awesome.

The Scottsboro Boys - Haven't seen it.

Time Stands Still - Haven't seen it.

West Side Story - Haven't seen it, but again, I saw the movie.  Can we stop making shows based on movies please!  Wait, the what came first?  What?  Well can we stop making movies based on shows then!?  Actually, I like movies based on shows.  Ok, carry on.

Wicked - At last!  I show on Broadway that I actually saw on Broadway!  Who cares that none of the same people are in it anymore and that I saw it 6 years ago?!  I saw it, and here is my review!  It was awesome!  I had gotten the soundtrack first, but didn't really get into it until I saw the show.  After the show I was playing the soundtrack non-stop all the way back home and man, when she comes flying out on her broomstick - magical awesomeness!  I highly recommend this show to anyone who likes things that are awesome!  Phew!

Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown - Haven't seen it.

The Social Network

When I first got to New York, my voice teacher Mark told me we should go see a movie.  The Social Network had just come out, so he invited me over to see it.  But when I got there, he said we needed to take a walk first because we were too fat.  Ok, fine, that seemed true, so we walked for two hours through central park, and then when it was time for the movie, he realized he needed to buy plane tickets.  So we didn't go.

We said that we would go two nights later, but when I showed up for that one, he said that our agent, Sarah, really wanted to go too, and could we wait another few nights so she could come.  Ok, that sounded reasonable, so we didn't go.  The next time we were supposed to go I had learned my lesson and called first.  It was cancelled again, so I just stayed home.

The fourth time we were going to go, Sarah got sick, and the fifth time she had some friends over from Germany, so she couldn't make it.  What I was to discover though, was that Mark and Sarah had then gone to see it without me on a night I had rehearsal.  Wonderful.  But they both really wanted to see it again, so we had to wait.  Blah.

The seventh time we went to see The Social Network, we went to see Legends of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole, which was actually a very good movie, but by this time I was ready to go see the stupid facebook movie alone.  I guess there had been a scheduling miscommunication that evening or something.

Last night, Mark and Sarah and I finally saw The Social Network.  It was a great movie, but one of those films that reinforced my growing hatred of capitalism.  When your whole system is based on money, it becomes okay to screw people over based on "it's not personal, it's just business."  Is that really a justification for the horrible things that corporations and other people do to the little guy?  I guess, being raised as a Christian, I was taught that we should treat other people the way that we would like to be treated and that one of our top priorities should be helping those less fortunate than ourselves.  Not very capitalistic, I know.

Also, would it have hurt the movie to thrown in some gratuitous nudity?  Discuss.

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2

Bill Bryson is one of my favorite authors, but the first book I read of his made me mad.  I didn't know who he was at the time (a fabulous travel writer, among other things), and I picked up "A Walk in the Woods" because I thought it was the story of a man who walked the whole Appalachian Trail.  In fact, it was a very funny and well written account of his attempt to walk the whole trail.  SPOILER ALERT: He didn't make it.  This was very upsetting to me.  I felt ripped off.  What was the point then?


Of course the point was the journey, and I know that now, but it still doesn't change the fact that when someone says they are going to do something, I want them to finish it.  I realized that as soon as I had blogged about finding some of the food trucks on my list, I was going to have to actually try and find them all, lest I disappoint both of my regular readers.


I mentioned in Part 1 of this series that many food trucks were far away and only open for lunch, and thus would be impossible to get to.  Luckily, I had a morning off this week, and I went a-questing.


4) Jianetto's Pizza

I waded through a bunch of Cookie Monsters to get to midtown, where a lot of the trucks hang out.  The first one I found was the Jianetto's Pizza truck.  I knew that if I was going to get through multiple trucks, I was going to have to ration myself, so I just got one slice of pizza. 

It was really good, and I wished I could have gotten more, but I had more to find.  Luckily, the next truck was on the very next block!


5) La Cense Beef Burger Truck

The beef at this truck is 100% grass fed, organic beef.  If you have never had grass fed beef, go have some.  Right now.  I will wait for you.  Ok, are you back?  Was it not amazing?  I have tried organic beef before, and not noticed much difference in the taste department, but every time I have ever had grass fed beef, the difference is night and day.  Dear farms, stop feeding the cows corn!  Corn makes cows taste bad.  Love, Tenor Dad.

So the burger was amazing, of course, but I still didn't feel full, so I headed off to another truck.  The non-full feeling left me quickly as I walked, and by the time I got to the next truck I didn't know if I could eat anything else, but I was there, so, what are you going to do, right?


6) Mini Picanteria El Guayaquileño
Here I faced my first challenge with the rules I had set for myself.  I had no problem getting the recommended items at the previous trucks (pizza? cheeseburger?  yes please!), but the item the list suggested from this truck was the fish soup.  I don't eat fish.  I suppose I do eat tuna fish with enough mayo in it, but other than that, I don't do fish.  I hate the taste, and I hate the smell.  On the other hand, I also pride myself on being willing to try anything once, even though I don't like a lot of things.  So I got the fish soup.

You know what?  It was actually really good!  I was so full I only had a few bites, and then had to run to rehearsal.  I was going to reheat it and have more later, but after eight hours of rehearsal, it occurred to me that it might not be okay to eat anymore, so I didn't finish it.  I did like the flavor though.  I never found any fish in it, and it reminded me of tomato soup a bit.  I probably would not order it again, but man, if I am liking fish soup, you know that is some good soup.

That is six out of twenty five food trucks, and I can't guarantee that I will find them all, but I am going to try my best.  I have one more month left in this city.  Wish me lunch!

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7

Controlling the Cookie Monster Population

This city has a problem.  It's not just the bedbugs anymore, now it's the Cookie Monsters.  It's also the Elmos, but mostly the Cookie Monsters.  People, please have your Cookie Monsters spayed or neutered.  There are so many of them wandering the streets now, that it's hard to even walk down the sidewalk without tripping over one.

Yesterday, I didn't have rehearsal until the afternoon, which meant I was free during lunch to pursue my food truck quest, which I will fill you all in on another time (probably tomorrow).  First I stopped by the bank to get some cash with which to purchase said food truck items, and then I started walked down Broadway towards midtown.  It was around Times Square when I saw my first Cookie Monster.

He was standing on the corner with his friend Elmo, each of them holding a fuzzy, worn out Christmas stocking in which they were collecting money from tourists in exchange for having a picture taken with the oversized muppets.  This made me smile as I recalled the first time we took Ruby to Times Square and we saw an Elmo (maybe the same Elmo?) and went to meet him.  The problem was, that Elmo did not speak in an Elmo-y voice.  If you have ever seen Elmo, which you have, then you know that his speaking voice is very childlike, if that child has been doing speed and sucking helium.  That Elmo, however, spoke with a voice more like James Earl Jones, if that James Earl Jones has been gargling gravel and choking people with the force.  This terrified Ruby and she started crying, and now we have a hilarious story to tell about little Ruby and Frighten-Me-Elmo.

I didn't think that there would be more to my story than that, but as I approached the corner, I noticed something odd.  There appeared to be a second Cookie Monster and a second Elmo standing on the same street corner.  At first I thought, what a hilarious turf war fight that would be to watch, but, sadly, it didn't happen.  They didn't seem to mind, or even notice each other.  Personally, if I were a kid, I think it would destroy the magic just a tad to see two of the same of my favorite characters standing there.  What would I say to Ruby?  "Oh no, that one there is Cookie Monster, and over there is his, um, brother...Scone Monster."

I thought it was a funny enough sight, that I crossed the street and took a picture.

That was weird enough, but then, I'm not kidding you, on the NEXT block, there was ANOTHER Cookie Monster and Elmo!  I though I must have gotten turned around, but no, there they were, Elmo and Cookie number three!

That was definitely weird, but I knew we really had a problem, when, just one block later, I saw this:

This poor Cookie Monster had lost his Elmo.  Or perhaps it was the Cookie Monsters who were more of a problem than the Elmos.  Maybe rampant Cookie Monster breeding had gotten out of control and now there were few options left.  I'm not saying we should exterminate them, but we should probably find them good homes, and if you are a parent who does not want to answer the tough questions about why there are twenty three Cookie Monsters running around Times Square, I'm just saying, avoid Times Square.

I did actually see one more Cookie Monster, but I was in too much of a hurry at this point to find food trucks and make it back to my rehearsal to take a picture.  And besides, this last one was with Minnie Mouse, and I don't mess with rodents in New York City.

Haiku Parables

Well, my Limerick Parables were a big hit it seems, so since I am bored today, I thought I would translate them into haiku form, for those of you who think limericks are too bawdy and gauche.  Here are much classier (and, thankfully, shorter) versions of the wisdom of Jesus.

1) Guy gets beaten up
    No one wants to help.  But wait!
    Good Samaritan.

2) Sleeping with the pigs
    Maybe Dad will hire me...
    Whoa!  Surprise Party!

3) Ninety-seven sheep
    Ninety-eight, ninety-nine... Hey!
    Where's Sir Fluffs-A-Lot?

4) Warm autumn evening
    Harvest banquet.  No one came.
    Time to get new friends.

5) Big expensive pearl
    Wait, you sold your house for it?
    Can't live in a pearl....

6) Garden full of seeds
    Enemy plants lots of weeds.
    That guy is a jerk.

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 1

This is not a food blog.  Yes, I know there are pictures of food on it, but don't expect any words like "waft" or "mingled with" or "bouquet" in this blog.  This is a scavenger hunt blog.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I were watching "The Great Food Truck Race," which was a show in which food trucks were on a race.  It was an okay show, but boy did it make me hungry.  Hungry for food from a truck.

Once I arrived in New York, it occurred to me that they probably have a lot of great food trucks here, so I did a quick search and found several lists, ranking the best food trucks in New York.  I chose this list because it has a lot of pretty pictures on it.  So list on web, web on phone, and phone in hand, I went out one morning looking for rehearsal.  I was seriously not looking for any food trucks.  But I found one!

1) Wafels and Dinges

Luckily it was morning and I was hungry for breakfast, because I walked right by the Wafels and Dinges truck!  And I only recognized it because of the picture!  Lucky me.  I know it sounds like Beavis and Butthead named the truck (shut up, dingus.  heh heh), but man, there is nothing like a hot waffle out of a truck on your way to work.  And if said waffle is smothered in Nutella?  All the better.  As Ruby would say, Yum-a-rum!

So I had accidentally found my first food truck.  So far so good.  I had the waffle with nutella, because that's what I wanted, but it was also what the list had recommended.  At this point I made a new rule for my scavenger hunt: I would try one of the recommended items from the list at every truck.  But finding these trucks was not as easy as I thought.  A lot of them are only open in the business hour-ish times, and not located near Lincoln Center.  As I am near Lincoln Center every day during those hours, it looked like my chances of finding the trucks were slim.  But then, when Simone dropped me off on the way to Vermont, we stumbled upon another truck!

2) Street Sweets
Once again, I recognized the blue and orange truck from the picture on my list.  So glad I chose the one with the pictures!  If you know my wife, you know she is not a hard sell on either delicious sweets, or random city-wide scavenger hunts, so we ran to the truck and got what the list told us to get: Pumpkin Whoopie Pies.  Now, I know you may not believe this, but these too, were Yum-a-rum!

With two delicious trucks under my belt, I felt empowered to seek out another truck.  As I mentioned earlier,  many of the trucks seemed beyond my reach, but then I found one with TWO locations!  One downtown, but one only 13 blocks from where I was staying!  After rehearsal one evening, I decided to venture north and, lo and behold, just where their website said they would be, sat the third truck.

3) Super Tacos
Now here I faced a dilemma.  The rules demanded that I purchase and consume a Tlacoyo, but that sounded foreign and gastronomically terrifying to me.  I compromised with myself and bought two things.  First the tlacoyo, and second, the spiced beef sandwich, which I thought I would like better.  Boy am I dumb.  I didn't even finish the sandwich.  I mean, it was good and all, but ZOMG the tlacoyo was like eating pure awesome.  It sure looks like a mess, but oh what a delicious mess it was.

 

 So I have now found three out of the 25 Best Food Trucks in New York City.  It's a really fun way to explore a new place, and I have learned to trust the list.  If I can find three more, you'll read it here first.

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 2 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 3 

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 4

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 5

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 6

The Food Trucks of New York - Part 7

My Skinny Jeans

My wife has advised me to write this blog entry as the rant of a cranky old man, since (she says) that is what I am when it comes to fashion and shopping. Instead, I will just rant as usual and you can decide how old and cranky I am.

The Gap has this new deal where if you bring in any pair of old jeans, you get 30% off of new jeans. As I mentioned previously, my pants are all ripped up, so I decided to try this out.

Now, I generally buy jeans from Costco for $20, but I figured with the discount, I could get a pair of branded jeans for a similar price. How much can jeans cost, right? $30? $40? No! $60! OMG! I could get three pairs of jeans for that price! Even with the discount they were $40! Ugh. I have never paid that much for any piece of clothing, but fine. I am in New York. It's expensive. Fine.

So I go to look at jeans and find a nice looking pair, and there is a tag on them that says "distressed." Upon further reading, it says that the jeans are designed to rip and fray. Are you kidding me?! I'm trading in my old jeans BECAUSE they are ripped and frayed, and now you want me to pay three times the price for jeans that you are going to destroy on purpose?! And that's fashion?! That's like selling me a microwave with a notice saying it is designed to break in three months! (My wife says it is not like that at all)

But in the end, I was very happy with my purchase, because I fit into a size lower than what I've been wearing. I guess I can put up with some shopping to be the size I was in college again, as long as you dang kids stay off my lawn. Although the jeans fit a lot better BEFORE lunch...

The Homeless Man and the Genie

One day a homeless man was going through some trash when he discovered an old lamp. As he tossed it aside, it rubbed up against his sleeve and a genie appeared. The man stared in disbelief as the genie offered him three wishes. The man thought for a moment and then spoke.

"Every day I sit on the same corner, passed by the same people," he said. "They all walk past with their damn iPods and headphones, pretending like they don't hear or see me. I wish that nobody would wear headphones on that corner ever again."

The genie nodded his head and said "What you desire has come to be." The next day, the man sat on his corner as usual and watched the people go by. Not a single person was wearing headphones or listening to music. But when the man asked the passersby for their spare change, people turned their heads and averted their eyes. No one stopped to help.

The man pulled out the lamp again and called forth the genie. "Everyone is still ignoring me. I wish that no one would ever ignore me when I speak to them ever again!"

The genie nodded his head and said "What you desire has come to be." The genie disappeared back into the lamp, and the man began speaking to the people walking by. As he asked for money, he heard many excuses, but still got no money. Some people shouted at him angrily, some directed him to a shelter, and others said they had no change to give.

By the time the sun started to set, the man was furious. He pulled the lamp out one last time and summoned the genie. "I still have no money!" shouted the man. "For my last wish I wish that everyone that walked by me would feel sorry for me and give me as much money as they could!"

The genie nodded his head and said "What you desire has come to be." Suddenly, the man's hat started filling with money as the people passed him, and not just change, but large bills. It was the most money the man had ever seen.

"Thank you genie," said the man. "And where will you go now?"

"I will go where I am needed, but before I go, I must ask you one question," replied the genie. "You could have just wished to no longer be poor. Why did you spend your wishes the way you did?"

"Well," answered the man, "why should I have to change who I am?" and sat back down on his corner.

New York Comic Con

Yesterday I went to New York Comic Con, the second biggest comic book and pop culture convention in the country (after San Diego of course). I had a good time, but people kept hitting me with their wings and tails. People. If you are planning on wearing large extra appendages into a crowded area, you should probably practice first. Try wearing your items to the grocery store to start, and slowly move up to, say, IKEA on a weekend afternoon.

The first thing that caught my eye was the line to get into the convention. It was easily twenty three parsecs long, wrapping around building almost twice. But waiting in line is half the fun! Where else can you see a man dressed as Boba Fett playing the Star Wars theme song on an accordion for tips? And who could forget the questionably sane man in front of me who kept challenging people to light saber duels. What's that? You don't have your five foot light saber with working lights and sound with you? That's okay, he brought two!

Costume watching is always one of the best parts of a convention. Nothing beats the sight of a bunch of weirdos walking around in bizarre outfits (gotta get me a costume for next time...). I saw a whole family of X-Men, Mario and Luigi, tons of dudes dressed as Sailor Moon (is that a thing?) and two little kids dressed as Kick-Ass and Hit Girl, who I am praying have not seen the movie.

I did find that my priorities had changed at this convention. I was most excited about the panels and discussions. There was a great panel with Caroll Spinney (Big Bird & Oscar!) as well as Mr. McFeely, Garry Gnu, Bear in the Big Blue House, and baby Snuffalupagus. It was awesome, and definitely the highlight of my day.

I still remember my first convention, and the sheer wonder of the convention floor. My favorite part of that con, lo those many years ago, was seeing the vast collection of rare comic books, toys, bootleg videos, and pretty much anything else you could want, all gathered in one place for me to buy. This was stuff that you couldn't get anywhere else! But this time, much of that magic was gone. Now we have the internet, and eBay. Every retailer there had a website offering exactly what they were selling in front of me.

I decided that I wanted to get Ruby a present, and that I wanted it to be a Blue Toad from the New Super Mario Brothers Wii. He is her favorite character and she always plays him when we play. I looked through the shops and booths for three hours. I searched through Comic Con proper as well as the Anime Festival (anime peeps love them some Mario), but was unsuccessful. I saw tons of Red Toads and a few Green Toads, but no Blue Toads. When I got home I ordered one from amazon.com.

The Mayor of Safeway

I was once the mayor of Safeway.  For those of you not familiar with the ins and outs of Foursquare, I will assume that you are not interested in becoming familiar with the ins and outs of Foursquare.  Suffice it to say that if you go somewhere more than anyone else, you become the mayor.  And boy did I go to Safeway.

When I started playing Foursquare, Safeway had another mayor.  This didn't bother me.  Most places had mayors that were not me, and it's a game.  Games have rules and other players, and that's what makes them fun.  As time went by, I took the title of mayor from its previous holder, and eventually it was taken back.  This did not bother me at all.  Some weeks he would go to Safeway more than I would, and sometimes it was the other way around.  It was always fun to take the title back, but I certainly would not begrudge him his title if in fact he was at Safeway more than me.

But then came Deborah C.  A third player had entered our little back and forth, which should have made it more exciting.  But she was cheating.  Now I can't prove it, but here I will make my case.  She took the title from me, and I was not concerned.  I waited a few days, and then had to go pick up something from the store.  Foursquare informed me that I was three days away from becoming mayor.  That was odd, because that meant Deborah C. had checked in every single day that week.  Oh well.  I didn't need much from the store that week, and the next time I went by, it said I was NINE check-ins away from being mayor.  She had checked into Safeway every single day for almost a month.

That meant, to me, that either she worked there, or she was cheating.  Or, I guess, just really loved Safeway?  So I made a point of going there every day, for bread, or milk, or SOMEthing.  I could never catch up.  Still she checked in every day.  So I gave up.  But then a few weeks later, the numbers started going back down.  She stopped checking in.  After checking in every day for over two months, Deborah C. ceased "visiting" the Safeway.  Within a week or two, I had claimed the title of mayor again.  The very next morning, at 6:00 am, she checked into the Safeway again and took the title back.  To me, this was the last straw, and proof that she was cheating.  I checked in from home, and took it back, having resorted to cheating myself.  I then checked in every day, to make sure she could not wrongfully steal the title.

Obviously, all of this is ridiculous, and I was waaaaaay to into this, to the point of insanity.  But I wanted to tell you all of that to get to my real point.  I am in New York now, and my first week here Deborah C. took the title back, and I checked in from New York City, hundreds of miles from Safeway, to steal the title back.  But then it really hit me; I am not going back to that Safeway anymore.  I don't live in Baltimore, my family is in Vermont now.  I just don't want to let it go just yet.  If I can still be mayor of Safeway, maybe it will mean that a part of me is still there.  But of course, that's not true.


Last night Deborah C. took back the title of Mayor of Safeway.  And I think, this time, she can keep it.

You Can't Blog About People Who Read Your Blog

So I was talking to my friend today. Let's just call him "Jerk." I told Jerk that I was going to blog about him today, and say that he was a jerk. But he told me I could not do this, because he, in fact, reads my blog. Jerk has a good point.

The problem with blog gossip is that it is published on your blog. That means that anyone can read it, including people that are annoying, wrong about something, or otherwise bothersome. So if you want to blog about one of those people, it is rude to mention their names. And by rude, I mean they can sue you.

This is why many bloggers and autobiographers change people's names, and in some cases, their own names (I'm looking at you, Andrea Bocelli), when they write. But in some cases, even this is not enough. In some instances, the people you are dissing might know you are talking about them, even if you give them a fake name. Take, for example, this passage: "One time this woman gave birth to me, let's call her 'Clarabell.' Anyway, Clarabell is super annoying." The writing there contains clues that I am actually referring to Meryl Streep.

So a word to the wise blogger from a guy who's been doing this for well over a month now: if you are going to blog about a real person in a possibly negative light, make sure to not only change their name, but also the things they did and said. It's like my friend Jerk says, "All sandwiches should contain pears."

Bedbugs

You may or may not have heard this, but apparently New York is infested with bedbugs. These are horrible little creatures that feed on human flesh, and can sense heat and carbon dioxide, so they come at you when you are sleeping. They live in wood, mattresses, electronics, and pretty much anywhere they want. They can climb through outlets, along the wires, in between apartments, so if one person has them, the whole building is next.

They are in movie theaters and hotels, and there is no escaping them. The authorities are telling us to wear raincoats to the movies and to wash everything we own in super hot water. Also, bedbugs can live for years without food, so even old closed up places could be infested.

Obviously we have a lot to learn from this clearly superior species. I would love the ability to go for two years without having to eat, and being able to live practically anywhere could come in very handy I would think. Maybe instead of always trying to kill them, we should be sending tiny diplomats to meet with them and try to discover their secrets. Are there any bugs that we are on good terms with? Maybe butterflies. But, maybe they are too big. Oh, I know, ladybugs! Let's send a delegation of ladybugs to negotiate a truce with the bedbugs. We could build them an embassy full of beds and unproductive humans to eat (members of congress, Derek Jeter, etc.). I'm sure that together we can forge a lasting peace between New Yorkers and bedbugs. And if not, I guess we can just call the exterminators.

The Three Rules of Singing Opera

As a popular and extremely famous opera singer, I am sure that all of you would like to know my secret. How can you do what you do, you are thinking as you read this. Well, I will tell you, so that we can be famous opera singers together. That is just how nice of a guy I am. When learning an opera I always follow three basic rules, and they have always gotten me through any rehearsal, no matter the show.

1) KNOW YOUR MOTIVATION
Your motivation is "I like singing.". It doesn't matter what your character's motivation is. You are not a character, you are a famous opera singer, and you like singing. As you sing your various roles, going through your head should always be: "I like singing! Sing-Sing-Singing!". Take, for instance, the famous "Toreador" aria. The words are: "Toréador, en garde ! Toréador ! Toréador !". This loosely translates to: "Toreador, en garde! Toreador! Toreador!". That is not helpful, so what you should pretend the words are, is "I like singing. Singy singy sing. I like to sing, sing everything!". If you are singing a happy song, it should be a joyous proclamation of your love of singing. If you are doing a sad scene, you should be thinking, "How sad that I love singing so much, for I will never make any money, and I will often have rehearsals on important national holidays, such as my birthday, and the Academy Awards."

2) LEARN YOUR SOLOS FIRST
If you are singing in an ensemble, chances are your colleagues will have learned their parts, so why should you waste your time learning music that no one will be able to hear anyway? In a big ensemble there is so much going on, that as long as you are singing a note in the chord, no one will notice anything wrong. Singing notes not in the chord are also permissible. These are called passing tones, or, if they really sound bad, accidentals. But your solo you should learn very well. This is where you can get the most applause, so it's very important not to sing any accidentals in these solo sections.

3) WHEN IN DOUBT, ASK A BLOCKING QUESTION
If you find yourself in a rehearsal in which you are expected to sing from memory (often a "staging" rehearsal), it is quite probable that you will forget most of your music. This is easily covered up by asking a blocking question. Let's say, for example, that you have forgotten the name of your girlfriend, Norina. You could make the embarrassing gaffe of singing "Che adanni miei conguira. Perder N-na, num, ummm, perder no wiener?". Instead, you should sing the correct line, "Che adanni miei conguira. Perder, wait, should I be facing stage left or stage right at this precise moment?". Then the director will check their notes, giving you time to remember that it is time for a break.

With these time-tested operatic techniques you absolutely cannot fail to become the next Luciano Pava, hold on, should I be using italics for aria lyrics, or not?